Since we last spoke

So, it's been awhile since I posted last and a lot has happened since. Last week I finished my third round of Clomid. The doc doubled the dose and requested a blood text Day 21 of my cycle to see if I ovulated assuming that I don't get pregnant this time around. I'm hoping for NO blood work. At least not to check my ovulation.
With this last round of Clomid my body's reaction to the horomones has been pretty intense. I'm super irritable. Poor husband could smile at me and somehow he's done something wrong and I'm angry. I can't control it either. That's whats most frustrating. I know I'm being completely irrational but I'm mad and thats all that seems to matter.
Along with the mood swings I'm having some serious hot flashes. Again, I can be perfectly fine one second and the next its like a fire started next me and I can't get away from the heat. It's miserable. It happens the most in the afternoon and in the evening...when I'm trying to go to bed. Sleeping is the pits. I hate the heat anyway but throw in the hot flash and I swear I could kill. It definitely doesn't help the irritability thing I got going on.
I'm trying to be hopeful that this time around I ovulate and we get pregnant. I don't think I can handle another round of Clomid. It's hard. I don't like who I am when I'm on it. And it's even more frustrating when nothing comes of the craziness.

I'm spent.

So two days ago I thought I was doing really well at this being patient thing...

Well, that's over. I'm sick of being patient.

Face challenges with courage

I spend a portion of my Sundays paroozing the internet reading the blogs of friends. Today I stumbled upon a short little post that simply had a link to this article. My favorite part was this..

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."

I've been focusing on my attitude lately and striving to push through heartache and the moments where I want to punch someone in the face or just cry because I feel bad for my self. Honestly, I can say I'm doing pretty good. I'm starting to wonder if the Clomid I've been taking makes me more sensitive than I thought. I'm trying to stay busy and involved in church, work, and hopefully some organizations that try to provide support to those that are struggling with infertility. I've found if I can be focused on others I don't have time to focus on myself and our hardship.

We're going to keep moving forward and have courage.

There's always someone in the same boat

Last night I was able to get together with some old friends. Mind you these ladies are some of the GREATEST people in the world. I love them. We've known each other since we were young and every year we get together for dinner and hours of catching up. We pick up right where we left off. We talk, we laugh, sometimes we cry. They're those people you'll always love even if you aren't able to see them often.

This year has been rocky for each of us. All in different ways, for the most part that is.

As we were catching up I noticed that one friend was wearing a necklace similar to one my husband recently bought me. When the others in our company went to the bathroom I asked her what was going on. She told me about how they've been trying to have another baby for about a year and half, she's done Clomid, had 2 failed IUI's, is getting ready to try IUI 2 more times, and if that doesn't work they'll do IVF. If IVF fails then they are done. I'm not sure if they'll look into adoption or not...people only go to the bathroom for so long...so our conversation was cut short.

I don't blame her for not bringing anything up when we were all talking. For heaven sakes I didn't say anything either. When harassed about not having babies yet I gave my standard.."One day...one day..." or "Hahaha! We'll see ladies!" or "When the time is right we'll have a little one." type of responses. I'm such a wuss. I know it's bad to assume people don't understand but most of the time they don't. They just feel bad for you. Or tell you "When it's time it'll happen." or "Don't worry everything will work out.". I don't want to hear that stuff. I know they just try to be nice and offer compassion but I already know those things. I don't want anyone feeling bad for me. Support? Yes. Sympathy? No. Don't ask me the difference either. I don't know how to explain it.

Anyways, bad things happen to people. Out of 4 friends 2 are infertile, 1 had to deliver her dead baby, and the other has to haul her 2 babies under 2 across the country multiple times a year. Life is hard. That's just how it goes. But nonetheless my heart hurts for each of them. In different ways.

In the words of dead baby friend, "We're all stronger than we think. When the hard things come we get through it. You never know how much you can handle until you're doing it."

To my infertile friend, I love you and you're in our prayers. We know what you're family is experiencing and it's hard.

PS-The other 2 friends in my prayers too...

Never give up

A friend created this and posted it on Facebook. So I stole it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it. It's how I feel about our babies. You know? The ones that don't exist quite yet....

It's easy to give up. It's easy to quit. But you have to keep going. You have to choose to push through. I don't go a day without thinking about the babies that haven't come to us yet. I haven't had any visions or dreams about what my babies look like or that I've held them. I've never even had an experience where I could feel them with me. You always here about stories like that but I haven't had one of those.

What I do know is that I want to be a mother. I believe that God will this happen. So, I can't give up.

Not quite sure what is happening

Yesterday I think I started my period. I say I think because it was just some heavy spotting that I didn't think anything of until it happened again today..twice. My last period started on July 18 and ended on the 25th. Which means this one is super early and didn't even give my body a chance to ovulate after taking Clomid this round.
I wish this wasn't frustrating and I hope that this is just random spotting. What makes it even more frustrating is that my temperature jumped yesterday and stayed consistent today, which usually hints at ovulation. But if I'm starting my period that means...no chance.
I called the doctor and left a voicemail so I should hear back tomorrow and I'm not sure what will happen. If I am in fact starting my period then that means I will need to start Clomid again tomorrow. A lot of people struggle with taking Clomid because its such a hormone charge that they are irritable, emotional, fatigued, etc. and they don't like who they are when they're on it. I have been a little irritable and emotional but not so overwhelming that I want to stop taking it. If anything I just want to see something happen. It's not likely that'll I will get pregnant after 4-5 times of taking it so we'll see what happens if we get to that point.
What I am grateful for is a husband that is beyond supportive. He's in sync with me and sensitive to what I'm experiencing. If he was anything else I don't think I could handle it. Grateful that he knows when I'm crazy it's not a permanent thing.

It was a good attempt

My Mom and I went downtown tonight to try and get tickets to show that wasn't even playing tonight! Take this tip- Before you travel across town to see a show, check the listings to make sure its playing that night. 

Regardless, it was nice to spend time with my Mom talking and catching up on life. We don't spend much time together and don't talk nearly as often as we should. Its amazing how life gets so busy that time passes faster than you realize. It doesn't help that we live about 40 minutes apart.

My Mom is the only person from my family (and my husband's for that matter..) that knows about our situation. She's so supportive and wants a grand-baby badly. Especially because we plan to move in two years for grad school. I'm grateful it doesn't matter to her if the baby comes to us biologically or through adoption. She just wants us to be able to have a family and have the experiences that she's had. 

She's such a good listener and so encouraging. But not in the over the top kind of way thats completely unrealistic and basically annoying. She's realistic but optimistic. It's easy to talk to her about my concerns, fears, hopes, and experiences. I really appreciate that she doesn't pretend to know whats going on or how all of this works. She asks questions and really strives to understand and become educated. She's a good Mom. I'll go to a show that isn't showing with her any day.