Holy M.I.A.!

Holy bologna! It's been awhile since I've posted on our blog! Things have been crazy with work. A LOT of traveling without (or SUPER slow) internet.
Let's see...what's new??

1) Our race with Pound the Pavement for Parenthood has been confirmed! We've got the official date AUGUST 3rd at the Vineyard Sports Park in Orem, Utah. We're thrilled! August cannot get here soon enough. We're hoping to reach out to as many people as possible. Not just because it helps us move forward with starting our family but because the more that come the more people are familiar with infertility. Also, it would be so great to have people that are going through infertility be there and get connected with others so they have the support they need. So many live with infertility in silence and now that we've shared our story with others it's completely changed our outlook. It's a blessing for others to know. If you haven't registered for the race yet make sure you get  your early registration in ASAP. OHHHHHHH!!! I forgot to mention the best part of the race is that Utah Fertility Center (the doctor's office we go to) has donated an IVF cycle for a drawing on the day of!! Isn't that awesome!???!?!

2) We found out we won't have to do ICSI. (Yay!) ICSI is wear they insert the sperm directly into the egg with a needle to increase chances of fertilization. They do that when there is male factor infertility. Our doctor was concerned about a semen analysis that Matt did a year ago and so he just got to provide another "sample" a couple weeks ago and all is well. That saves us $1,700.00 so that's quite the blessing.

3) We also had a consultation with our doctor and have decided to do IVF at the end of the summer. We're SOOOOOOOOOO excited!! We can't believe that it's so close. We've been waiting for this for what seems like FOREVER. It's such a great feeling to have a plan and have it get closer and closer.

4) Infertility Awareness Night was great! I'll write more about that in another post.

5) I'm still wanting to share the stories of others that are going through infertility. Sharing your story can empower others so if you or someone you know wants to share we would love to! You can use your name, a sudoname, or even have it posted it anonymously. Send it my way...marissaking4110@gmail.com.

Ever wonder why?

WHY?

Why now? Why them? Why did this happen? Why isn't this happening? Why not me? Why? Why? Why? 

That's the question on my mind. Poor little Derek is laying in a hospital bed with his stomach swelling and in pain because at age 2 he has a tumor growing on his kidneys, spotting on his lung, and wrapped around his organs. And all I can think is why? Why Derek? Why Jay and Kara? It just doesn't make sense and I'm not sure it ever will. And if you think about it nothing ever really makes sense. 

We go about life experiencing different things, growing in our beliefs, making mistakes, doing good, and honestly when things happen it doesn't make sense. I am a believer in God and a bigger plan that I can't understand at this time because I can't see the "big picture". And so I have faith that regardless of what happens while we're on earth each experience allows us to learn and grow. I don't believe that God gives us trials or hardships but I believe that He doesn't prevent bad things from happening to us if He knows that we will be able to endure them and have the strength to overcome them. 

I write to help myself process, understand, and feel whats happening around me and right now as I watch my dear friends Jay and Kara go through this horrible nightmare with their son I'm thinking "I would never be able to do this." and my heart aches for them. And even though I believe every word I wrote in the paragraph before I still can't help but think "WHY?? Why Jay and Kara?". Infertility is nothing compared to this experience. I feel selfish for wanting a baby when they are at Derek's bedside watching their baby fight for his life. Why do they have to do this?! 

When we first started sharing about our infertility we had conversations with friends and family about it  and they've said things like "If we had to go through infertility I don't think I could do it." or "We feel guilty because we can have kids." or "We've never had something hard like this happen. It scares me for what could happen to us." At first I didn't know how to process comments like those. I wasn't offended or anything and I knew that sincerity was behind them all but I never knew how to respond to them and I think others feel the same when we try to sympathize with their troubles. It's comforting to know that people want to feel for you. That they try so hard to understand what you're experiencing and feeling. But in reality we can't know or fully feel what they are. 

Everyone has THEIR hard thing. The things that come up that you look at and think to yourself "I couldn't do it.", "This couldn't have happened to anyone stronger.", or "My life is great. Why do bad things have to happen to them? Why haven't they happened to me?".  We're just different. For example, infertility is something that is hard for us but we're doing it. Others probably couldn't do it but I probably couldn't do their hard thing. Does that make sense? 

God knows each of us. He knows what we can and can't do. And that's why I believe my hard thing is going to be different than your hard thing. And if you think about it we've each done something hard but now that its over we're okay and we don't think of it as a hard thing, more so just something we did. But others hear about or look at that hard thing that you've done and think "Holy crap. No way could I have ever survived that." And chances are they're probably right...thats why it was your hard thing....and not theirs. 

Sadly, Derek having cancer is Jay and Kara's hard thing and as much I wish it wasn't it doesn't change the fact that it is. But I'm grateful to know that God knows them. That He is with them. And that if God honestly believed that they couldn't do this, that they couldn't come out even better than they already are when all is said and done, that He wouldn't allow it to happen. 

The Fugal's are strong. They can do this. Please continue to pray for them. Pray for strength, courage, and direction. 

Team Derek

Our hearts are heavy right now. Our dear friends are suddenly struggling with something that we can't quite comprehend.

Sunday night we had dinner with some friends, nothing out of the ordinary-we do this probably at least once a month, and Derek, the two year old son of friend's Jay and Kara, was acting a little strange. Not super weird but Kara was concerned because he kept asking to go to the bathroom and then nothing would happen. We all thought maybe he had a UTI or was just adjusting to potty training or something. Come Monday he seemed fine but on Tuesday after dinner he threw up...A LOT. Like 12 times in a fairly short period of time. They called the on call nurse for their pediatrician and she said to bring him in in the morning. So they did. The flu and strep have both been going around so it honestly could have been a number of things. The doctor decided that Derek's symptoms were abnormally abnormal so they sent them to the ER next door. The ER did a cat scan and before you knew it Kara and her baby boy were in an ambulance on their way to Primary Children's Medical Center.  Since yesterday afternoon Derek has had a biopsy and a pick line put in his chest so that his upcoming chemotherapy treatments will be easier on him rather than putting an IV in each time. The doctors found that Derek has a tumor growing on his kidney's but has also continued to grow around his other organs and is now pushing up on his lungs. Derek's team of doctors are collaborating on what approach would be best due to its unusual nature of growing around so many organs. They could go in and remove the tumor now risking internal bleeding and other complications or put Derek on chemotherapy for a few weeks in attempt to shrink the tumor and then removing it. Either way Derek is in for chemotherapy for some time regardless of when the tumor is removed. Also the doctors are concerned that the tumor has burst and is currently bleeding and unfortunately the scans that have been done can't tell them for sure either way.

The hard (but inspiring) part is watching two of our best friends endure such an overwhelming experience. Until Wednesday life was just fine and now its been flipped upside down and makes zero sense. Jay and Kara have been amazing though. They are strong, positive, and simply moving forward one moment at a time. Its incredible. Their baby boy is their focus but the love and respect they have for each other is beyond apparent. They're a unit and every decision is made together. It's beautiful.

For us none of it feels real. This little boy that Matt teases, that we watch play superheroes, that we would do anything for is in the hospital with a tumor. A tumor?! It doesn't make sense. He's a baby. And although I'm not his mother, in fact not a mother to anyone, my heart is overwhelmed and my mind confused. I can't imagine what Kara is feeling and I pray I never will. I love Derek but the relationship he has with his mother goes beyond my comprehension.

Please pray for Derek and for his parents. Ask God to bless them with comfort, peace, and the clarity of mind they need as they move forward and care for Derek. He's a champ. And although he's in pain, tired, and confused he's still absolutely adorable and a joy to be around. He's polite, patient, and cute as ever.

If you want to stay updated on Derek's progress follow this Facebook page: Team Derek.

Infertility Awareness Night

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood is hosting a wonderful evening focused on informing and inspiring the community on infertility. It's being co-sponsored by the Utah Fertility Center, the Reproductive Care Center, LDS Family Services, and the UVU Community Health Club. All wonderful organizations wanting to help and educate others. Doctors from both centers will be speaking about infertility and different treatments, and LDSFC will be sharing information about adoption and the experiences people have had with that. AND on top of that a couple that just recently did IVF are going to be sharing their story and talk about the real life experience they've had. I'm excited! And I'm nervous....I'm nervous about people not coming. A lot of people are probably annoyed or confused as to why I've been posting, writing, and emailing about infertility so much. I'm doing it because it's a part of me. It's our reality and sadly its the reality for a lot of people out there. The even bigger downer of that is we don't know who all those people are. Infertility is such a weird thing. It's sometime humiliating so sharing it with others isn't always on the top of the public service announcement list, if you get what I mean.
So I'm pushing for people to come to this because its important for us all to be informed but it will also give hope to those that haven't reached out to anyone yet. So please come. Please be there with us. Please ask questions. If anything come hear the stories of others and share yours with them.

Shared Heartache

I have a dear friend, Lauren. I love her. We've experienced things together that I can't ever fully explain. We've seen miracles happen. We've laughed together. We've cried. We've felt anger. And we've experienced joy together. Unfortunately, we've felt the heartache of the unknown together. 

Lauren and I got married just 2 weeks apart and we both started to grow our families around the same time as well. Sadly, we both struggled during that time. I struggled with infertility and she with multiple miscarriages. We both felt such sadness and confusion. We both wondered why our bodies weren't doing what we believed they were suppose to. It's not something I wish we shared in common but I have found comfort in having a dear friend understand a piece of my heartache. Lauren was never diagnosed with infertility but she does know the pain of the disappointment that comes when you're unable to have a baby. I love and admire her as a woman. And I'm grateful for her example of taking control of her situation and making the choices she knew she needed to get baby Linden here. Another reason I love and respect Lauren is because she recognizes the gift she's been given. After much loss she has had a successful pregnancy and because of the road she's walked she's grown in her gratitude and appreciation of being a mother. Below is her story. 

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Josh and I got married on March 13, 2010, just a few short months after our courtship and engagement (5 months total...). We knew we had been blessed to be in the right place at the right time, but that's a story for another time. After we were married about 3 months, we felt like it would be good to start our family. We got pregnant after about 6 months of trying. We were eager to go to our first appointment at 10 weeks. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before our names were called to go meet our doctor. I peed in my cup and waited in the room for the doctor to come in and do our first ultrasound. We weren't familiar with what should be on an ultrasound screen, so we just waited to hear from the doctor. She asked, "Are you sure about the date of your last period?" I calmly responded, "Yep, pretty sure," and she was just quiet a few more moments. After she continued looking around she stopped and told us that she was 90% positive that I had had a miscarriage. Um, what?? She then showed us on the screen this little circle that was called a yolk sac. We had conceived and the egg had implanted into my uterine lining, but then the growth stopped. There was never even a heart beat. I remember being very calm and kind of confused. I held my composure as we went to the car, reviewing the instructions the doctor gave me about taking these pills to discharge the sac and placenta, etc, not knowing what to think. As Josh and I walked to the car, that's when the tears hit. What had happened?! 

That night was horrible. I took those pills and basically had a mini-labor, except without any type of pain medication because I threw it all up. Finally everything worked itself out and the healing process began. I felt comforted and knew that the next time around things would be different. We were told to wait 2 cycles before trying again. We obeyed, but it was taking us longer than we expected to get pregnant again. I went in for some testing to see if things were ok. As far as the ultrasounds of my ovaries and uterus went, I was fine. The only thing that was found was a tiny fibroid (a malignant tumor) that was about 3 cm big. The doctor told me that was absolutely nothing to be concerned with, so I wasn't. We got pregnant again 6 months after the first miscarriage. 

I called and asked if I would be able to get an early ultrasound to calm my fears and worries about the baby. We went in around 6 weeks and were blessed to see and hear a tiny heartbeat! It was amazing and we were sure that things would be great. I was nauseous and feeling pretty gross, which I was told was a good sign. We went in for our first "official" appointment at 10 weeks again. The Dr. did her routine check and again we were looking at an ultrasound. We saw that tiny little baby and could see a heart beat. The Dr. said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than my dates were, but that it wasn't unusual due to ovulation times, etc. We were again comforted and felt that all was well. 

We decided to be part of a study that was for first time moms, I can't remember the name. The day before the first appointment, (October 27th, my 25th birthday) I was at work and started bleeding. I knew it was a bad sign. I called the doctor and asked about bleeding and what I should do. The nurse I spoke with told me bleeding was not a good sign and she scheduled me an ultrasound at the outpatient building that afternoon. I already knew we would not be receiving good news. We waited FOREVER with me having the most full bladder I've ever had and we finally were called back. The technician did the ultrasound, and by now, we knew what to look for. There wasn't a heartbeat. All the technician said was "Sorry." I fell apart, crying and truly asking, "Why was this happening again?!" I didn't understand. We had to go back to the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse, not even my doctor (I never heard from her one time throughout my second miscarriage), to get the pills to discharge everything again. It didn't matter, my body had finally registered that something was wrong and was discharging things on it's own. 

The second miscarriage was must more difficult. Emotionally, physically, it was just exhausting. I was scared and sad and felt like I would never be able to carry a baby full-term. I couldn't stop thinking, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY??" I had had enough with that doctor and didn't feel like she even cared about me as a patient, much less as a person, so I was in the market for a new OBGYN. I was referred to Doctor Robert Later. My life was changed.

Around Christmastime my family came to visit from Texas. I was so glad, I had endured 2 miscarriages without my mama and needed her. When the time came for them to leave, I was so sad. I hugged my dad and he reassured me that things would be ok, definitely referring to me having a baby. I started to cry as this had been about 2 months after my last miscarriage. My dad offered to give me a blessing. I accepted. I know that I was healed and I got pregnant RIGHT away! I felt emotionally better and whole again. The first day of that last period was December 28th, 2011. A day that I will never forget. 

I made an appointment with my new doctor. I had some light bleeding at about 6 weeks and of course prepared for the worst. I called and the nurse said it could just be implantation bleeding, but that if I wanted, I could come in for an early appointment. I opted out, trying to have the hope that things would be ok. I made it to my 10 week appointment. I waited in the waiting room for about 4 minutes, which was AMAZING and was ushered into my Doctor's personal office. I was already so impressed with this place. Dr. Later then proceeded to ask me about my health history and asked about my miscarriages. I could tell he cared and that he was 100% on Team Lauren and Josh and Baby DeVard. He told me that, more often than not, miscarriages are coincidental, but that there is sometimes clotting in the uterine lining and that's when the placenta detaches and your body discharges the pregnancy. So--he prescribed me or ordered me to get baby aspirin (low dose aspirin) to take every day of my pregnancy. I LOVED that we met and he was already helping me. Josh arrived to the appointment after work and we then moved rooms for the ultrasound. The nurse was so nice and we were able to see our tiny little peanut. Healthy heart beat and the sizing was right on track. Dr. Later told me he wanted to see me in 2 weeks, as opposed to the usual 4, just to make sure things were looking right. I LOVED him for that. 

After I hit the 20 week mark, I was finally comforted and felt that things would truly be ok this time. I started to show and eventually felt the little kicks and bubbles of our baby. We found out it would be a girl and were beyond excited. On September 29, 2012, Linden entered our lives. She was a miracle to us and continues to be every day. I went in for my 6 week follow-up appointment and Dr. Later told me that I had a tipped uterus. He said that back in the day, if you had a tipped uterus, you wouldn't be able to have a viable pregnancy. Sure proved them wrong. 

As I sit here, typing our story, I feel so grateful for our miracle and hope and pray that those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility. I can't tell you that you'll get pregnant tomorrow, if ever, but I can tell you (and I know this is cliche' and something that you get sick of hearing) that God knows all. We all have our trials, but he sees the bigger picture and we CAN trust and have faith and hope in that. Something that I've promised myself and want to promise all of you is that I will NEVER publicly complain about my child. I know how painful that can be when you see those that have been blessed with children, curse or complain about them. I pray for you and I hope that through miracles of God and modern medicine that you'll be blessed with your own miracle of a child, whether they be your flesh and blood or someone else's.

-Lauren

4 Little Miracles

The Larson's hold a special place in my heart. Courtney and I became friends in college and without knowing then we shared something very sacred in common. When we began really trying to figure out what was going on Courtney announced their miracle babies. I put myself out there and sent her a message on Facebook. I made a bold assumption and asked if her babies came "naturally". This sounds strange and almost horrible but I hoped that they weren't. I needed a friend. I needed someone that understood my heartache. Courtney was so open with their situation and built my faith. I was able to ask questions, share my feelings, and she knew what I was experiencing. The Larson family has given us hope, support, and love. We pray for their miracle babies everyday and are so grateful that they were willing to share their story.

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I tried my best to keep myself from crying as our fertility Dr. explained to my husband and I that I had PCOS. I had never even heard of PCOS before and was shocked to find out that having kids was not going to be easy. I left that appointment feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I was already so tired of people asking why Cameron and I didn’t have kids yet. It is amazing how often that question gets asked as soon as you get married. For someone that is struggling with infertility it is a dagger in the heart.

I was disappointed in myself all the time. I was upset that my body was failing at getting pregnant. I was mad at myself for not being as excited as I should be about family and friends getting pregnant. I was embarrassed that this was happening to me. I was blessed with the most amazing husband who lifted me up during the really hard times.

We underwent three rounds of IUI before we were successful. Our first round we tried Clomid and my body did not respond. The next two rounds we tried the Follistim shots. After my first two rounds I developed cysts and had to wait a few months before we could try again. Each round I was monitored very closely and went in twice a week to check egg growth. We never saw four eggs.

We showed up to our first ultrasound so excited. Our dream of being parents was finally coming true. After taking a few moments to look around our Dr. turned to my husband and told him to sit down and stay seated. She turned the screen so we could see and showed us our four babies. The following week I would be driving home from work and start laughing and then immediately start crying. We were shocked. This was not supposed to happen.

I was put on strict bed rest at 19 weeks due to pre-term labor. At 21 weeks I was placed in the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. Four weeks later I delivered four beautiful babies. We became the proud parents of two boys and two girls. Our biggest baby was 1lb 15oz and our smallest was 1lb 5oz. Our babies spent between 121-137 days in the Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, NY. They are our miracle babies. March 11, 2013 we celebrated their first birthday and we have never been prouder.

No one should have to endure infertility. For those that are getting that heartbreaking news, I am so sorry. Even though it feels like it, you are not alone. If you have any questions, feel free to ask (courtneywelchlarson@facebook.com). We are very open and willing to help anyone who is having trouble trying to get pregnant.

-Courtney

Thoughts from The Lowder's

In honor of Infertility Awareness Week I thought it would great to hear the stories of other couples faced with infertility. Amber and her husband Travis are also being sponsored by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood! In fact we are sharing the same race day! After an intense road on their adventure of infertility Amber and Travis were inspired to move towards adoption! They are going to make amazing parents and we are so excited for the little bundle of happiness that will come to their family. Below is their story. It's beautiful and empowering. And here's the link for their family blog...www.travisandber.blogspot.com and the link to their adoption blog www.lowderadoption.blogspot.com. Spread the word and help them find their miracle! 

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Our Road of Infertility...

You never know when this life changing trial is going to choose you. It isn’t in us to expect that you’re going to struggle to bring a child of your own into your home.  We never prevented pregnancy. After about a year of nothing happening we went into the Doctor. All the labs came back normal, which is weird considering I have endometriosis, chronic anovulation, possible PCOS.  It wasn’t a surprise that I had these things wrong with me as they do run in my family and even with my identical twin sister. But I figured that they were able to get pregnant so it was just a matter of trying hard enough and getting in to the doctor.

I was really hopeful after my first appointment. We started out small with Clomid, but didn’t really respond, so we tried Femora and it seemed to regulate me but they couldn’t confirm that I ovulated. So we got more aggressive and did the HCG shot to up our chances. After that didn’t work, we went in and did our first IUI and it didn’t work and neither did the next 2 IUI’s. We went in and gave ourselves a fresh slate by me having a laparoscopy and getting rid of my endometriosis and checking that I didn’t have cervical cancer. Which I didn’t thank goodness.  It helped my periods too so we were hopeful again. So we tried our 4^th IUI and it failed, the next one we couldn’t do because I developed a cyst. That’s when I noticed I was gaining a lot of weight; I became depressed and sad at our situation that all around me it was happening for other women, but not me. So we took it to the next step and tried being as aggressive as we could and did IUI’s with femora, with HCG, with injectable drugs to increase my eggs. We were trying everything suggested to us: yoga…vitamins…herbs….chiropractor. At one point a doctor was telling me to eat more bacon and butter and salt and that cholesterol was a myth!! Like I said we tried everything we could and after 2 more failed attempts, we threw in the towel and our doctor said it was time for IVF. We had done all that we could do. After several different well-known doctors and all the treatments they all recommended; we were left empty handed.  It was a moment I will never forget. The disappointment and hurt at moments seemed to swallow us up. I hate shots and felt like we had pushed past what we ever thought we could do emotionally or financially.

We were devastated, but we pushed through and started to save up for IVF. When we were getting closer, and we were just about to take out a loan for the procedure, all of a sudden it didn’t seem right. We were devastated at these feelings but as the dust settled we started thinking about adoption and a little flame was lit. At first we were hesitant, but we became educated and then the fire within our hearts began.

So now we are in the process of adoption….it is a different kind of hard.

The biggest thing I have learned from doing Infertility is that yes it isn’t fair sometimes how it doesn’t just happen for some people. I think we both definitely went through depression, disappointment and even down right anger, where we felt like we couldn’t keep doing this. Even sometimes to point of just saying we are done trying to bring children into our home. But somehow we are lifted and we keep going.  But I think trying to focus on that we will have children by means of fertility treatments or adoption and sometimes just taking it moment at a time helps. But it is a hard road. But I know we will appreciate those little ones that finally make it to our home. But it definitely is one of the hardest things we have had to go through. But we are doing it and we love being in support groups and we are wide open about our story…so if we can offer anything to anyone…we are here!!!

Love-Amber and Travis