Today was a bad day.

Today didn't go well. The doctor couldn't see any follicles this time. Last week we had 2 that we're at 10 and 11 but now they're gone. And there is no explanation. I feel so lost and confused right now. So frustrated and angry. I have so many thoughts going around in my mind. 

I look back at the last three weeks and think about the amount of medicine I took...its crazy. I remember at one point it was 8 pills a day plus a shot. It was nuts. In the beginning I was so nervous to mix the shots but after a couple times I got it down easy peasy and was popping those needles in my stomach like it was nothin. We didn't do ovulation tests because with PCOS your hormones are all over the place so you can get false positives. The doctor said if we wanted to do it we could but she was okay either way. We opted out and I don't have any regrets about it. I don't think it would have helped us know if it was happening or not. 

Because I didn't respond in the way we had hoped we're taking a break for a few months. We're going to focus on becoming healthier physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially for a bit. We've taken a big hit in all those areas over the last year and we need to step back a bit. 

I think taking a break will be good for me emotionally too. The last two weeks have been the hardest ones and I just don't know how much more I can handle right now. I need some time to muster up some more hope I suppose. 

Have you ever had a trial where you start to struggle to even pray? Lately I just dread praying with Matt when its my turn to pray. I'm fine on my own for personal prayers but family prayer just about pushes me over the edge. I just start sobbing. My heart aches and pleading to the Lord on our behalf takes a lot out of me. I want to grow our family with Matt. Praying with him is so sacred to me and I think thats why I become so emotional. 

Week 3

We're still going strong on shots! This was week 3 of them. It's beena a LONG and EXEPNSIVE month! I'm just not responding as quickly this time around so it's drawn things out quite a bit. We go in on Thursday to see if my follicles are where they need to be and ready to release those little eggs. If they are we're going to do an IUI. We've waited so long for any type of response that we want to be as aggresive as we can. 
The first week I didn't respond it was really hard. I've never been that upset and emotional over our infertility than I was then. I just didn't understand why I would respond last month and not at all this time. I think in mind we had finally figured something out and we just needed to do it a couple times for us to get pregnant. 
I just sobbed to my doctor and the nurses and asked why it wasn't working. They said that women with PCOS won't ever find the silver bullet. Because our horomones are all over the place all of the time there is never a guarantee. I already knew that but that time I finally understood and things have been a lot better. I've been a lot more patient. So now we're keeping our fingers crossed for Thursday!!