Triple Check

It's been about 2 months since our last appointment. The appointment where our options were minimized. Where our options grew further away. It sucked. That day my doctor wrote me out some prescriptions, 1 being for Provera. Provera kicks start the menstrual cycle. I take these tiny pills for 10 days and then my body hemorrhages for 10 more days. Its pure bliss. Incredible what something so small can do to you. Anyways, I took the prescription, got it filled, and was supposed to start taking it that day. I didn't do it. Something Dr. C said was holding me back.

When she told us that my follicles were no where to be seen she also said, "There's a small possibility you released an egg but its not likely. I have no explanation why your follicles would be gone." POSSIBILITY. She said "...a small possibility..." which in mind translated into "Well, even the smallest possibility can be equal to a miracle." So, I didn't take the medicine. I didn't want to jeopardize what could be our miracle even if it wasn't likely.

Well here we are 2 months later and tonight I took another pregnancy test. That little bottle of medicine has been haunting me. Screaming at me to start taking it so when we are ready to get things going again we won't have to do something I could be doing while we wait. But I couldn't start taking it without knowing FOR SURE that I was acting as a baby factory. So I took my third pregnancy test in 2 months just to triple check.

It was negative. Am I surprised? No. Disappointed? Every time. Do I have peace of mind? Yes. I know its weird and none of this probably makes sense but I had to see it before I could start taking the medicine. I had to know. I had to see it. Now I feel okay about taking the medicine. It's strange right? I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew. But I couldn't take the medicine. I was hoping I was wrong. I really wish I was wrong. I think that's why I had to take another test. Just to see it. Just to make sure.