Triple Check

It's been about 2 months since our last appointment. The appointment where our options were minimized. Where our options grew further away. It sucked. That day my doctor wrote me out some prescriptions, 1 being for Provera. Provera kicks start the menstrual cycle. I take these tiny pills for 10 days and then my body hemorrhages for 10 more days. Its pure bliss. Incredible what something so small can do to you. Anyways, I took the prescription, got it filled, and was supposed to start taking it that day. I didn't do it. Something Dr. C said was holding me back.

When she told us that my follicles were no where to be seen she also said, "There's a small possibility you released an egg but its not likely. I have no explanation why your follicles would be gone." POSSIBILITY. She said "...a small possibility..." which in mind translated into "Well, even the smallest possibility can be equal to a miracle." So, I didn't take the medicine. I didn't want to jeopardize what could be our miracle even if it wasn't likely.

Well here we are 2 months later and tonight I took another pregnancy test. That little bottle of medicine has been haunting me. Screaming at me to start taking it so when we are ready to get things going again we won't have to do something I could be doing while we wait. But I couldn't start taking it without knowing FOR SURE that I was acting as a baby factory. So I took my third pregnancy test in 2 months just to triple check.

It was negative. Am I surprised? No. Disappointed? Every time. Do I have peace of mind? Yes. I know its weird and none of this probably makes sense but I had to see it before I could start taking the medicine. I had to know. I had to see it. Now I feel okay about taking the medicine. It's strange right? I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew. But I couldn't take the medicine. I was hoping I was wrong. I really wish I was wrong. I think that's why I had to take another test. Just to see it. Just to make sure. 

Today

I can't wait for the day I can hold a baby...our baby...in my arms and tell them about how important they are to us. And to God.
We've fought so hard to have a baby here on earth with us and there are times I wonder if it will ever happen in this life. It may be pessimistic to think those thoughts or have those doubts but they are real and we have to deal with them.
I have faith, I really do. Some days I don't feel like I do. But today, today I have faith. Today, I'm not ready to accept the thought or idea that we may never have children of our own. Young spirits that we've been trusted with to teach and protect. I'm not ready to accept that. I'm not ready to stop fighting for that day where I get to rock our baby and tell them about how much we love them.
I'm not ready to give up.
I'm not ready to stop believing in miracles.
Today I have faith.
Today I believe.

Today was a bad day.

Today didn't go well. The doctor couldn't see any follicles this time. Last week we had 2 that we're at 10 and 11 but now they're gone. And there is no explanation. I feel so lost and confused right now. So frustrated and angry. I have so many thoughts going around in my mind. 

I look back at the last three weeks and think about the amount of medicine I took...its crazy. I remember at one point it was 8 pills a day plus a shot. It was nuts. In the beginning I was so nervous to mix the shots but after a couple times I got it down easy peasy and was popping those needles in my stomach like it was nothin. We didn't do ovulation tests because with PCOS your hormones are all over the place so you can get false positives. The doctor said if we wanted to do it we could but she was okay either way. We opted out and I don't have any regrets about it. I don't think it would have helped us know if it was happening or not. 

Because I didn't respond in the way we had hoped we're taking a break for a few months. We're going to focus on becoming healthier physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially for a bit. We've taken a big hit in all those areas over the last year and we need to step back a bit. 

I think taking a break will be good for me emotionally too. The last two weeks have been the hardest ones and I just don't know how much more I can handle right now. I need some time to muster up some more hope I suppose. 

Have you ever had a trial where you start to struggle to even pray? Lately I just dread praying with Matt when its my turn to pray. I'm fine on my own for personal prayers but family prayer just about pushes me over the edge. I just start sobbing. My heart aches and pleading to the Lord on our behalf takes a lot out of me. I want to grow our family with Matt. Praying with him is so sacred to me and I think thats why I become so emotional. 

Week 3

We're still going strong on shots! This was week 3 of them. It's beena a LONG and EXEPNSIVE month! I'm just not responding as quickly this time around so it's drawn things out quite a bit. We go in on Thursday to see if my follicles are where they need to be and ready to release those little eggs. If they are we're going to do an IUI. We've waited so long for any type of response that we want to be as aggresive as we can. 
The first week I didn't respond it was really hard. I've never been that upset and emotional over our infertility than I was then. I just didn't understand why I would respond last month and not at all this time. I think in mind we had finally figured something out and we just needed to do it a couple times for us to get pregnant. 
I just sobbed to my doctor and the nurses and asked why it wasn't working. They said that women with PCOS won't ever find the silver bullet. Because our horomones are all over the place all of the time there is never a guarantee. I already knew that but that time I finally understood and things have been a lot better. I've been a lot more patient. So now we're keeping our fingers crossed for Thursday!!

The waiting game.

Well I made it home in time. The day after I got there I emailed my supervisors and told them that for personal reasons that I needed to leave no later than Saturday morning. I apologized and offered to pay for the expenses out of my pocket but that there was no way I could stay at the conference. They were really supportive and offered their sympathies to whatever was going on and to do what I needed. I was grateful for that. With no explanation it would be really easy to not be understanding and persistent in knowing why. It was definitely a tender mercy and I'm thankful for their kindness. 

Saturday morning I took the HCG trigger shot to force the eggs to release from the follicle and then we had to have timed intercourse, meaning you have sex 12 hours and 24 hours after you take the trigger shot. I was home Saturday night. We did our thing and now we wait. 

That all happened last week so we have another week before we know if it worked. I'll go into the doctor to have blood work done to see if I'm pregnant. I bought literally 10 pregnancy tests despite Matt's cautionary requests because I want so badly to see a positive test! I've seen more negative tests than I can count. But, I have to control myself. I'm excited we've made progress! This is the closest we've ever been. At the same time though I'm TERRIFIED of getting too excited and then not being pregnant.

Let the baby making begin!

Unfortunately, I didn't respond to the full dosage of Femara. It was a sad and hard day. My doctor sat us down and we went through our options again. Shots or IVF is what it came down to. She reminded us of the risk of having multiples if we did the shots but that we could do a little experimenting with it if we wanted. We would do the lowest dosage of the shots to see if I respond and increase it slowly until I have two or three follicles mature. Normally, when doctors prescribe the shots they do full dosage and it opens up seven or eight follicles. If you have a lot of healthy eggs thats when you have 3+ babies at once. If you have a low egg count then this is good way to get pregnant because even though you several follicles open they won't necessarily have the eggs to release. Thankfully I have a lot of healthy eggs but it makes this treatment risky. It was a tough decision but we decided to try the shots at a low dosage. It's a little expensive but not nearly as expensive as IVF and we felt good about the decision.

I started shots that day and five days later I went back in. We-us and the doctor- weren't expecting to see any results. Matt and I were just trying to keep our hopes down. It's less disappointing that way. The doctor however thought the dosage was too low to start seeing anything. We were all pleasantly surprised!! I responded and had 3 mature follicles! It seriously was a miracle! My doctor is convinced that I have never had a follicle mature so she was more excited then we were! 

I'll have to take a trigger shot in a couple days that will release my eggs, then the hubs and I do the baby makin' dance and we wait. 

We're really excited about this! However we do have a bit of a problem...I'm flying to Florida tomorrow for work. I'm supposed to take my trigger shot on Saturday. I'm not supposed to get back until Monday. No one at work knows about our infertility. Haven't quite figured that one out yet.....

People treat you differently

So lately I've been having a pity party and I've only invited myself.  I've been struggling with the way the very few people that know about our infertility have been treating me. Maybe I'm just self conscious but I just feel like every time someone wants to know about how things are going that they tip toe around it. I'm totally fine talking about it but I want to be asked directly. I get sheepish/nervous/indirect/awkward "How are you?" or "Are you doing okay?".  It's just weird and makes me feel like something is wrong. I mean there is something wrong but not like that type of wrong. Does that make sense? It's almost like that awkward feeling when someone's relative or close friend dies and you aren't sure how to talk to them. It's just weird.

On top of it all I have a ridiculous fear of telling people about our situation. It could be for a number of reasons but the way people respond is one of the big reasons. People act different. Hardly anyone knows but I have a few close friends that do and each fall into one of the categories from this video clip. We watch How I Met Your Mother religiously and this part hit much too close to home. (PS-She thought she was pregnant but found out she wasn't so now she's "celebrating".)

I have a friend that always wants to go out to eat and pays for it. Or they bring me treats. One asks questions that are a little ahead of where I'm at and I'm never quite sure how to respond without feeling dumb. Another will seriously start crying when I talk about it. Plus, at one point she was literally following me around waiting for the "perfect" moment to ask me about things. I kind of freaked out at her at that point. I couldn't handle it.

I do not want to be treated differently. Yes, the whole situation totally stinks, but that is the life we have right now. I'm okay. Husband is okay. Some days are hard but we're doing just fine. Should I not be fine? Should I be just as worried and concerned as my friends are? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm totally fine talking about it. If you ask directly I will tell what I want to tell you or what I feel comfortable sharing.