Getting involved with something bigger than yourself

Lately I haven't been able to shake the thought that this experience of infertility is happening for a reason. I mean, I believe that everything happens for a reason but I guess more so the thought that this is happening so we can help someone else.  I've been searching and looking on the internet to see if I could find organizations or groups that provide not only emotional support for those struggling with infertility but also financial help. There's pretty much nothing. You would think that for something so expensive that there would be some sort of financial support out there. Did you know that insurance covers pretty much NOTHING? We however are incredibly blessed in the sense that our insurance covers 50% of primary infertility, meaning that they will cover 50% of everything up to the first time we get pregnant. The only downer is that 1) they won't cover anything after that-so when we want to have another baby we're on our own and 2) if our first pregnancy results in a miscarriage the insurance will no longer cover anything. A lot people aren't as lucky as we are when it comes to insurance. Most people are on their own and I have no idea how they do it. That takes me back to what I wanted to talk about. After searching and not finding any programs out there I started to think maybe we're having this experience so that we can create and start an organization that can provide the help that  people are needing it? Well the other night I gave up and started reading the blog of the wife of a missionary that served in my husband's hometown. They struggled for a couple years with infertility. They somehow got involved with an organization called Pound the Pavement for Parenthood and were then connected with a doctor that waived any profit he would gain from doing an IVF with them. Amazing right? He's retired and decided that he wanted to serve his own type of mission here and help young couples begin their families. Anyways, PPP sponsors events such as 5K runs to help raise money for families to pay for IVF or adoption, etc. I emailed them asking for more information and because we have no idea what direction all of this is going to take us we haven't applied for PPP to sponsor us by hosting events in our honor but, we really really really want to get involved.

In the scriptures it says, "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."-Mosiah 7:33

And, "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."-Mosiah 2: 17

Now there's no point in recreating an organization out there that already exists but, being able to work with one and provide resources, publicity, and manpower could make such a huge impact. For one thing it would provide others with the support, emotionally and financially, that they need, it may also lead to an opportunity where we could be recipients of such love and sacrifice but mostly, I really feel strongly that if we can lose ourselves in the Lord's work by serving others we will blessed and delivered from our "bondage". I'm not saying that if we go help put on a 5K here and there that God will give us a baby but, I'm saying that if we can take this experience and be of help to others maybe God will ease the burden a bit. Maybe we'll gain a great understanding of the bigger picture or maybe we won't get lost in our self pity as often or maybe (and this I know will happen) we'll be able to be closer to the Spirit and therefore feel God's love for us stronger than before.

I believe that even though we may not be blessed with a baby immediately or faster than perhaps what is planned for us, that we will have the spiritual strength to press forward and endure to the end. And maybe even find a little joy along the way.

A hard night

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with emotion that you literally feel like you might break? Like everything around and inside of you will shatter?

I don't know how to explain the feelings I'm having but, last night was a hard night. The emotions of all of this, the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, stress, frustration, and failure just got to me.

And for a moment I felt like I was going to break.
I wanted to quit.
Be done with it all.
Decide that we just weren't going to have a baby and not move forward.

I was lying in bed next to the husband and all the thoughts and emotions were pressing down me. Almost suffocating me. I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. I started to sob and explain to husband that I didn't think I could do it anymore. That if I felt like this when we had just started that I just couldn't handle what it was going to feel like if we had to get involved in bigger things.

I really was unsure of our decision to persist at expanding our family. Of providing a home to one of God's children. To be a mother and father. I started to think that things would be a whole lot easier if we just said no more and accepted that it would only be us. Just him and I. No babies. No children. No one but the two of us.

Fortunately, I am very blessed and I have an amazing husband. He let me cry and say what I needed to say. He let me explain to him that I didn't think I could do it anymore. And then he did something that I am very grateful for. He put his arms around me, hugged me, looked me in the eyes and said that I could do it. He promised everything would be alright and that no matter what happens he will always stand by me. That he wouldn't let me give up. That we would push through this together and that we would have a family no matter what we needed to do to get there. His eyes are strong and full of faith. I wish I had his faith. I wish I didn't doubt. Sometimes I wonder if he has a heart because he's so confident that we'll be parents. It's almost like a doubt or fear has never crossed his mind. He helps me to believe. He helps me remember who I am and what we can do together. He's going to be an incredible father.

A positive for every negative

I've discovered that I have a really hard time when other people complain about being a parent. I just want to scream, "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE A PARENT!?!" but I don't.  I just keep it inside and keep it to myself. I understand that being a parent is hard work maybe not to the full extent that actual parents do but I do know that it's hard. Caring for another human being (or multiple humans) is probably the most emotionally, physically, and spiritually taxing thing there is. And while I understand that sometimes it feels better to complain (and that's okay) it just gets hard to listen to. I often wonder if I would be willing to take on all the stress and hardships that these constant haters of parenthood endure just so I can experience being a parent. Being a mother.

Again I don't want anyone to walk away thinking that I don't understand that being a parent is a hard thing all I'm saying is that there must be a better way of expressing your emotions and handling your stress than having such a dark almost regretful attitude towards you kids.

I guess for me it's important to recognize that even though things are hard there are still multiple good moments/memories/experiences/characteristics that out weigh the bad.

Am I wrong there? Is that too far off?

A baby in our home

My husband's sister and family are getting ready to move across the country for graduate school and in effort to help them we offered to host a sleepover for our 2 year old nephew. He's my husbands little side kick and we're going to miss him terribly. Our evening entailed of a couple movies, pizza, a trip to the park, and then a bed time routine. To some this may seem insignificant but to have that young little spirit in our home is such a blessing. Obviously I'm not a parent but to be able to care for someone, watch them learn, see excitement in their eyes, hug them when they cry..it's all remarkable. For some people that are experience infetility it can be hard to be around little kids. It reminds you about how you don't have children. How you may never have children.

For my husband and I (at least at this point) it's almost therapeutic to be around kids. To have other people trust you with their children helps relieve the thoughts that God doesn't trust you with his children. We'll miss having our niece and nephew in our home. Sometimes I really hate change.

Now we wait

Day 7 has come and gone. Now we play the waiting game. We're waiting to see if I ovulate. We use the Basal Body Temperature method to do this. Everyday since May 11, 2012 I've been taking my temp. first thing in the morning. Before I even move I have to stick a thermometer in my mouth, wait for it to beep and then record my temp. in a notebook. Makes for a long morning when you have to pee. Ugh! I hate that part. So, when you ovulate your body temperature goes up about .4-.7 degrees. It spikes, stays consistent for a 5 days or so and then drops back down to normal. Even though I know it takes a week or so after your period ends to start ovulating, every morning I'm hoping it'll just jump. It's a waiting game. A horrible waiting game.

No baby this time

I started my period. Definitely not pregnant this time around. It totally sucks.