A hard night

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with emotion that you literally feel like you might break? Like everything around and inside of you will shatter?

I don't know how to explain the feelings I'm having but, last night was a hard night. The emotions of all of this, the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, stress, frustration, and failure just got to me.

And for a moment I felt like I was going to break.
I wanted to quit.
Be done with it all.
Decide that we just weren't going to have a baby and not move forward.

I was lying in bed next to the husband and all the thoughts and emotions were pressing down me. Almost suffocating me. I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. I started to sob and explain to husband that I didn't think I could do it anymore. That if I felt like this when we had just started that I just couldn't handle what it was going to feel like if we had to get involved in bigger things.

I really was unsure of our decision to persist at expanding our family. Of providing a home to one of God's children. To be a mother and father. I started to think that things would be a whole lot easier if we just said no more and accepted that it would only be us. Just him and I. No babies. No children. No one but the two of us.

Fortunately, I am very blessed and I have an amazing husband. He let me cry and say what I needed to say. He let me explain to him that I didn't think I could do it anymore. And then he did something that I am very grateful for. He put his arms around me, hugged me, looked me in the eyes and said that I could do it. He promised everything would be alright and that no matter what happens he will always stand by me. That he wouldn't let me give up. That we would push through this together and that we would have a family no matter what we needed to do to get there. His eyes are strong and full of faith. I wish I had his faith. I wish I didn't doubt. Sometimes I wonder if he has a heart because he's so confident that we'll be parents. It's almost like a doubt or fear has never crossed his mind. He helps me to believe. He helps me remember who I am and what we can do together. He's going to be an incredible father.