So after my emotional melt down before husband came home I decided that I didn't feel like my doctor's office (not my doctor-she's great! But unfortunately I have the middle man nurses to go through) was supporting me when I expressed my desire to stop taking Clomid so I asked for the information about the fertility specialist that they would refer me to if I didn't ovulate this next go around.
I took matters into my own hands and contacted them myself. Holy cow! I haven't even been there and I already feel so comfortable with them. I liked my last doctor but the Utah Fertility Center is WONDERFUL! I've only spoken with people on the phone but I already feel supported. They truly are advocating to find the best way to give us what we want...a baby. The nurses spent a good 30 minutes with me on the phone asking me questions, letting me explain what I know I do/don't feel comfortable with, then they explained how their center works and what they feel is important. By the end of the phone call I had a consultation scheduled for this next Wednesday, all the paperwork I would need to have filled out beforehand, directions on how to transfer my medical records, and an idea of how our appointment would go.
They emphasized that they believe fertility isn't only MY or HUSBAND'S problem but that it was OUR struggle and that they ask that both members of the couple be at the appointments and be on the same page throughout the entire process. They told me about how we'll meet with the doctor at the consultation, they'll review our medical records, do an ultrasound, and then layout EVERY possible route we could take to having a baby. How awesome is that?? My last doctor was so supportive and helpful but their office wasn't on the same page. This place as a whole is on the ball. I'm thrilled to know what all our options are upfront. They don't want to waste time nor do they want to do anything that we are not comfortable with. Meaning if we say we aren't comfortable with doing Clomid again, Clomid is no longer an option.
I also took it upon myself to finally call LDS Family Services to learn more about their adoption process. I've researched things on the internet and gotten as far as I could without calling but yesterday I decided to just do it. I got a lot of great information and we have a better understanding of what the adoption process will entail. They hold Adoption Orientation meetings on the first Wednesday of every month so we'll have to wait until October to get even more information. This all works out perfectly though because we can meet with the fertility specialist, get a better idea of what our options are medically and then from there we can attend the Adoption Orientation and then make a decision about where we want to go.
Husband and I talked a lot on Friday about what we wanted to do in regards to moving forward. He's so good to me and helps me come to grips with things in such a supportive way. We decided that we're taking it one step/day at a time. We'll go to our appointment, see what it has to offer, and then take the next day as it comes.
Basically, we're going to just keep moving forward. When I first found out I didn't ovulate I was (and still am a bit) so sad. I thought we had taken a million steps backward when in reality we hadn't. It was just a closed road and now we're taking a detour. We're going to keep asking God for the direction we need and when options come up we're going to make a decision take it to the Lord and if we don't feel like we're being told to stop we're going to move that way.
It's kind of like a crazy car trip where you come to an intersection, say "Left or right?", look both ways and go whichever ones looks nice. Sometimes what looks nice is completely lame and other times you find paradise.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
How do you heal a broken heart?
Today I found out that I didn't ovulate again. My heart hurts. I've never been filled with so much sadness and disappointment.
This month the doctor increased my Clomid prescription to 100 mg. The highest level doctors permit is 150 mg but my husband and I made the decision that we couldn't do Clomid anymore. With the way my body and mind were responding to it at 100 mg I can't even imagine what it would be like at 150 mg. At 100 mg I felt so out of control and nothing like myself. I hated who I was, what I was doing, and how I was treating my husband.
The doctor asked that I have a Day 21 Blood Test done to check my progesterone levels and ultimately see if I had ovulated this time around. My blood was taken on Monday, Labor Day, and I hadn't heard anything from anyone since. I decided that I couldn't be patient anymore so I called the doctor, left a message, and waited to be called back. The nurse called as I was walking from my car to my office at work. She simply said, "I'm sorry we haven't called you sooner. Your results showed that you didn't ovulate. The doctor wants to increase your Clomid treatments to 150 mg. If after that you don't ovulate again we will refer you to a fertility specialist."It was so a matter of fact for her. But for me, my world came crashing down. My eyes immediately filled with tears. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't react. My heart broke.
In a diligent effort to keep myself composed and to prevent gasps for air from interrupting our conversation I explained to her that my last experience wasn't something I wanted to relive. I asked if there was anything we could do and she told no. That the way my body reacted would only get worse with an increased dosage.
This made my heartache even worse. I got off the phone, controlled my emotions with everything inside me, walked into my office, shut the door, and cried.
Right before the nurse called I had been texting husband. The following conversation happened:
Husband: I love you! How are you feeling today?
Me: I love you too. I feel okay. My stomach still feels kind of upset but not a normal upset.
Husband: What do you mean?
Me: I don't know. I can't explain it.
Husband: Maybe it's upset because a baby is making it upset.
Me: Wouldn't that be nice!
Husband: Yes ma'm!
Phone rings to bear heart wrenching news.
What timing right? I then sent a text to husband that said "Doctor called. I didn't ovulate." He immediately dropped what he was doing and called. But I couldn't even answer. I was walking to my office and I knew if I heard his voice I would lose it and losing it in front of stranger is one thing but in front of people I know who don't know any of this was something I couldn't do.
Once I could get myself together for more than 30 seconds I went to the bathroom, cleaned the streaks of make up off my face, walked into my boss's office and said I wasn't feeling well. She proceeded to tell me I looked awful and that I should get some rest.
I went home. There I cried. I called my Mom and cried some more. She was so good just to listen. I love that she doesn't pretend to know how I feel but tells me that she loves me.
All day I cried off and on. Husband came straight home after school to be with me. He's been strong throughout this whole thing. Optimistic and faith-filled. But when I had talked to him on the phone earlier I could tell he was a bit disappointed. By the time he got home though he was back to his encouraging and supportive self. He held me and let me cry to him. I told him how mad I was. How confused I was. How my heart was broken over a baby that I didn't even have and one that I now knew I was never even close to carrying. I told him how when we both felt so strongly that we shouldn't take Clomid anymore, my hope, although I tried to bridle it, was up there pretty high. I thought that this was it. We shouldn't be taking Clomid anymore because we wouldn't need to. We would be pregnant. But then when the nurse said, "..you didn't ovulate." I felt like part of me died. I was so frustrated and confused. All of my faith and hope disappeared.
Husband and I talked things out. We're making a new plan. We're going to rebuild our faith and hope. We're starting to put the pieces of my heart back together.
This month the doctor increased my Clomid prescription to 100 mg. The highest level doctors permit is 150 mg but my husband and I made the decision that we couldn't do Clomid anymore. With the way my body and mind were responding to it at 100 mg I can't even imagine what it would be like at 150 mg. At 100 mg I felt so out of control and nothing like myself. I hated who I was, what I was doing, and how I was treating my husband.
The doctor asked that I have a Day 21 Blood Test done to check my progesterone levels and ultimately see if I had ovulated this time around. My blood was taken on Monday, Labor Day, and I hadn't heard anything from anyone since. I decided that I couldn't be patient anymore so I called the doctor, left a message, and waited to be called back. The nurse called as I was walking from my car to my office at work. She simply said, "I'm sorry we haven't called you sooner. Your results showed that you didn't ovulate. The doctor wants to increase your Clomid treatments to 150 mg. If after that you don't ovulate again we will refer you to a fertility specialist."It was so a matter of fact for her. But for me, my world came crashing down. My eyes immediately filled with tears. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't react. My heart broke.
In a diligent effort to keep myself composed and to prevent gasps for air from interrupting our conversation I explained to her that my last experience wasn't something I wanted to relive. I asked if there was anything we could do and she told no. That the way my body reacted would only get worse with an increased dosage.
This made my heartache even worse. I got off the phone, controlled my emotions with everything inside me, walked into my office, shut the door, and cried.
Right before the nurse called I had been texting husband. The following conversation happened:
Husband: I love you! How are you feeling today?
Me: I love you too. I feel okay. My stomach still feels kind of upset but not a normal upset.
Husband: What do you mean?
Me: I don't know. I can't explain it.
Husband: Maybe it's upset because a baby is making it upset.
Me: Wouldn't that be nice!
Husband: Yes ma'm!
Phone rings to bear heart wrenching news.
What timing right? I then sent a text to husband that said "Doctor called. I didn't ovulate." He immediately dropped what he was doing and called. But I couldn't even answer. I was walking to my office and I knew if I heard his voice I would lose it and losing it in front of stranger is one thing but in front of people I know who don't know any of this was something I couldn't do.
Once I could get myself together for more than 30 seconds I went to the bathroom, cleaned the streaks of make up off my face, walked into my boss's office and said I wasn't feeling well. She proceeded to tell me I looked awful and that I should get some rest.
I went home. There I cried. I called my Mom and cried some more. She was so good just to listen. I love that she doesn't pretend to know how I feel but tells me that she loves me.
All day I cried off and on. Husband came straight home after school to be with me. He's been strong throughout this whole thing. Optimistic and faith-filled. But when I had talked to him on the phone earlier I could tell he was a bit disappointed. By the time he got home though he was back to his encouraging and supportive self. He held me and let me cry to him. I told him how mad I was. How confused I was. How my heart was broken over a baby that I didn't even have and one that I now knew I was never even close to carrying. I told him how when we both felt so strongly that we shouldn't take Clomid anymore, my hope, although I tried to bridle it, was up there pretty high. I thought that this was it. We shouldn't be taking Clomid anymore because we wouldn't need to. We would be pregnant. But then when the nurse said, "..you didn't ovulate." I felt like part of me died. I was so frustrated and confused. All of my faith and hope disappeared.
Husband and I talked things out. We're making a new plan. We're going to rebuild our faith and hope. We're starting to put the pieces of my heart back together.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
No one mourns the wicked
My birthday is coming up and my dear father and mother in law bought us tickets to my FAVORITE broadway show...WICKED. I LOVE IT!! Obsessed really. I could watch it and listen to the music over and over. I've seen it multiple times however the hubs never has. I was especially excited for this night out to share something I love with him.
Sadly...I had an episode that deterred from the excitement. The added hormones courtesy of the Clomid I've been taking have made me CRAAAAZY. Husband said something early in the afternoon that "hurt" my feelings and then when I was just getting over that he literally turned the wrong direction and I went bonkers. I have never been so upset/enraged/mad/sad in my life. And the worst part I KNEW that it was completely irrational and ridiculous but I could not do a thing about it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't do anything. So I ran into the bedroom and cried my eyes out. Husband is so good to me and waited until I was ready to talk about it. We then proceeded to have some mini arguments because again my ability to make what I was feeling logical in any way was not possible. So I cried some more and finally, amongst the sobs and tears, I was honest with myself and then with husband.
I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That I was terrified that if I couldn't handle what this medicine was doing to me then how could I ever do what may come next? I told him how I was afraid that this was my sacrifice and that I couldn't give anymore so God wouldn't be able to bless us.
I was finally honest with my fear...That I wouldn't be able to do any of it. That this was the end.
Then I told him that I couldn't take Clomid anymore. That I did everything that I could do with this medicine and that I would try anything else but no more Clomid. I told him about how I wanted a baby more than anything and that I did all I could up to this point but I couldn't take Clomid again. I was sobbing by this point. Sobbing because I had been fighting this feeling in hopes that I was just being a wuss and that I could muster up the strength to believe I could take the medicine again if I needed to. Sobbing because I was finally able to say out loud what I had been thinking and feeling. Once I said it out loud it became real. I felt like I was failure but at the same time I felt so much better. And husband already knew that we needed to stop. He didn't need me to tell him.
We both felt the confirmation of the Spirit in our decision and I felt more relief than I had in months. We've been praying for the direction of God in our efforts to have a baby and we believe that this has been an answer to our prayers. We decided that we won't be pursuing anything that involves Clomid. And I tell you what, I will not miss it.
To cut the story short husband wiped my tears, gave me a pep talk, and we got ready to go. We made it to our seats 2 minutes before the curtain opened and enjoyed the delightful entertainment of the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch. The hubs loved it. He is beginning to enjoy the goodness of the theater.
Sadly...I had an episode that deterred from the excitement. The added hormones courtesy of the Clomid I've been taking have made me CRAAAAZY. Husband said something early in the afternoon that "hurt" my feelings and then when I was just getting over that he literally turned the wrong direction and I went bonkers. I have never been so upset/enraged/mad/sad in my life. And the worst part I KNEW that it was completely irrational and ridiculous but I could not do a thing about it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't do anything. So I ran into the bedroom and cried my eyes out. Husband is so good to me and waited until I was ready to talk about it. We then proceeded to have some mini arguments because again my ability to make what I was feeling logical in any way was not possible. So I cried some more and finally, amongst the sobs and tears, I was honest with myself and then with husband.
I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That I was terrified that if I couldn't handle what this medicine was doing to me then how could I ever do what may come next? I told him how I was afraid that this was my sacrifice and that I couldn't give anymore so God wouldn't be able to bless us.
I was finally honest with my fear...That I wouldn't be able to do any of it. That this was the end.
Then I told him that I couldn't take Clomid anymore. That I did everything that I could do with this medicine and that I would try anything else but no more Clomid. I told him about how I wanted a baby more than anything and that I did all I could up to this point but I couldn't take Clomid again. I was sobbing by this point. Sobbing because I had been fighting this feeling in hopes that I was just being a wuss and that I could muster up the strength to believe I could take the medicine again if I needed to. Sobbing because I was finally able to say out loud what I had been thinking and feeling. Once I said it out loud it became real. I felt like I was failure but at the same time I felt so much better. And husband already knew that we needed to stop. He didn't need me to tell him.
We both felt the confirmation of the Spirit in our decision and I felt more relief than I had in months. We've been praying for the direction of God in our efforts to have a baby and we believe that this has been an answer to our prayers. We decided that we won't be pursuing anything that involves Clomid. And I tell you what, I will not miss it.
To cut the story short husband wiped my tears, gave me a pep talk, and we got ready to go. We made it to our seats 2 minutes before the curtain opened and enjoyed the delightful entertainment of the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch. The hubs loved it. He is beginning to enjoy the goodness of the theater.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Time with others seems to heal
Tonight we were able to spend some time with our close friends and their small families. We have a group of friends that get together ever month to do something. It's so great and we love when we are all able to hang out. The other two couples we hang out with both have two little ones all under four. They are adorable and we absolutely love them.
We're so blessed to have such amazing friends who are so supportive of our situation. Not that they wouldn't be or have done anything rude or insensitive in the past it's just a huge relief to have people in your life that may not understand fully what you're experiencing but are so loving and considerate. They don't get awkward when we talk about it, they don't avoid topics like pregnancy or their plans to have another baby. It's just so nice that they treat us like we're normal. Life isn't on hold because we're infertile. Life is just taking a different route. We'll get there when it's time to get there.
We especially appreciate that they trust us with their children. Sometimes I can't help but have thoughts and feelings about God not being able to trust me with His children and thats why we're infertile. It doesn't make logical sense but they are real feelings and emotions. But, to know that your close friends and family would trust you with their little ones helps heal the heartache you feel knowing you may not have your know. It helps push away those thoughts and feelings that eat away at you. Those negative feelings that would consume you if you let them.
We love spending time with our friends and their kids. Their sweet little spirits are so uplifting. They give us hope. For some people its really hard to be around the people they're close to and their babies but for us its such a blessing. We love their energy, their curiosity, their creativity. In fact one of the two year olds was sitting in my lap drawing on a piece of paper and my heart melted. He was so proud of himself.
It makes me so excited for my own family. We're so grateful for the friends we have been blessed with. They truly are a God send.
We're so blessed to have such amazing friends who are so supportive of our situation. Not that they wouldn't be or have done anything rude or insensitive in the past it's just a huge relief to have people in your life that may not understand fully what you're experiencing but are so loving and considerate. They don't get awkward when we talk about it, they don't avoid topics like pregnancy or their plans to have another baby. It's just so nice that they treat us like we're normal. Life isn't on hold because we're infertile. Life is just taking a different route. We'll get there when it's time to get there.
We especially appreciate that they trust us with their children. Sometimes I can't help but have thoughts and feelings about God not being able to trust me with His children and thats why we're infertile. It doesn't make logical sense but they are real feelings and emotions. But, to know that your close friends and family would trust you with their little ones helps heal the heartache you feel knowing you may not have your know. It helps push away those thoughts and feelings that eat away at you. Those negative feelings that would consume you if you let them.
We love spending time with our friends and their kids. Their sweet little spirits are so uplifting. They give us hope. For some people its really hard to be around the people they're close to and their babies but for us its such a blessing. We love their energy, their curiosity, their creativity. In fact one of the two year olds was sitting in my lap drawing on a piece of paper and my heart melted. He was so proud of himself.
It makes me so excited for my own family. We're so grateful for the friends we have been blessed with. They truly are a God send.
Since we last spoke
So, it's been awhile since I posted last and a lot has happened since. Last week I finished my third round of Clomid. The doc doubled the dose and requested a blood text Day 21 of my cycle to see if I ovulated assuming that I don't get pregnant this time around. I'm hoping for NO blood work. At least not to check my ovulation.
With this last round of Clomid my body's reaction to the horomones has been pretty intense. I'm super irritable. Poor husband could smile at me and somehow he's done something wrong and I'm angry. I can't control it either. That's whats most frustrating. I know I'm being completely irrational but I'm mad and thats all that seems to matter.
Along with the mood swings I'm having some serious hot flashes. Again, I can be perfectly fine one second and the next its like a fire started next me and I can't get away from the heat. It's miserable. It happens the most in the afternoon and in the evening...when I'm trying to go to bed. Sleeping is the pits. I hate the heat anyway but throw in the hot flash and I swear I could kill. It definitely doesn't help the irritability thing I got going on.
I'm trying to be hopeful that this time around I ovulate and we get pregnant. I don't think I can handle another round of Clomid. It's hard. I don't like who I am when I'm on it. And it's even more frustrating when nothing comes of the craziness.
With this last round of Clomid my body's reaction to the horomones has been pretty intense. I'm super irritable. Poor husband could smile at me and somehow he's done something wrong and I'm angry. I can't control it either. That's whats most frustrating. I know I'm being completely irrational but I'm mad and thats all that seems to matter.
Along with the mood swings I'm having some serious hot flashes. Again, I can be perfectly fine one second and the next its like a fire started next me and I can't get away from the heat. It's miserable. It happens the most in the afternoon and in the evening...when I'm trying to go to bed. Sleeping is the pits. I hate the heat anyway but throw in the hot flash and I swear I could kill. It definitely doesn't help the irritability thing I got going on.
I'm trying to be hopeful that this time around I ovulate and we get pregnant. I don't think I can handle another round of Clomid. It's hard. I don't like who I am when I'm on it. And it's even more frustrating when nothing comes of the craziness.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I'm spent.
So two days ago I thought I was doing really well at this being patient thing...
Well, that's over. I'm sick of being patient.
Well, that's over. I'm sick of being patient.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Face challenges with courage
I spend a portion of my Sundays paroozing the internet reading the blogs of friends. Today I stumbled upon a short little post that simply had a link to this article. My favorite part was this..
Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."
I've been focusing on my attitude lately and striving to push through heartache and the moments where I want to punch someone in the face or just cry because I feel bad for my self. Honestly, I can say I'm doing pretty good. I'm starting to wonder if the Clomid I've been taking makes me more sensitive than I thought. I'm trying to stay busy and involved in church, work, and hopefully some organizations that try to provide support to those that are struggling with infertility. I've found if I can be focused on others I don't have time to focus on myself and our hardship.
We're going to keep moving forward and have courage.
Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."
I've been focusing on my attitude lately and striving to push through heartache and the moments where I want to punch someone in the face or just cry because I feel bad for my self. Honestly, I can say I'm doing pretty good. I'm starting to wonder if the Clomid I've been taking makes me more sensitive than I thought. I'm trying to stay busy and involved in church, work, and hopefully some organizations that try to provide support to those that are struggling with infertility. I've found if I can be focused on others I don't have time to focus on myself and our hardship.
We're going to keep moving forward and have courage.
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