How do you heal a broken heart?

Today I found out that I didn't ovulate again. My heart hurts. I've never been filled with so much sadness and disappointment.

This month the doctor increased my Clomid prescription to 100 mg. The highest level doctors permit is 150 mg but my husband and I made the decision that we couldn't do Clomid anymore. With the way my body and mind were responding to it at 100 mg I can't even imagine what it would be like at 150 mg. At 100 mg I felt so out of control and nothing like myself. I hated who I was, what I was doing, and how I was treating my husband.

The doctor asked that I have a Day 21 Blood Test done to check my progesterone levels and ultimately see if I had ovulated this time around. My blood was taken on Monday, Labor Day, and I hadn't heard anything from anyone since. I decided that I couldn't be patient anymore so I called the doctor, left a message, and waited to be called back. The nurse called as I was walking from my car to my office at work. She simply said, "I'm sorry we haven't called you sooner. Your results showed that you didn't ovulate. The doctor wants to increase your Clomid treatments to 150 mg. If after that you don't ovulate again we will refer you to a fertility specialist."It was so a matter of fact for her. But for me, my world came crashing down. My eyes immediately filled with tears. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't react. My heart broke.

In a diligent effort to keep myself composed and to prevent gasps for air from interrupting our conversation I explained to her that my last experience wasn't something I wanted to relive. I asked if there was anything we could do and she told no. That the way my body reacted would only get worse with an increased dosage.

This made my heartache even worse. I got off the phone, controlled my emotions with everything inside me, walked into my office, shut the door, and cried.

Right before the nurse called I had been texting husband. The following conversation happened:

Husband: I love you! How are you feeling today?
Me: I love you too. I feel okay. My stomach still feels kind of upset but not a normal upset.
Husband: What do you mean?
Me: I don't know. I can't explain it.
Husband: Maybe it's upset because a baby is making it upset.
Me: Wouldn't that be nice!
Husband: Yes ma'm!
Phone rings to bear heart wrenching news.

What timing right? I then sent a text to husband that said "Doctor called. I didn't ovulate." He immediately dropped what he was doing and called. But I couldn't even answer. I was walking to my office and I knew if I heard his voice I would lose it and losing it in front of stranger is one thing but in front of people I know who don't know any of this was something I couldn't do.

Once I could get myself together for more than 30 seconds I went to the bathroom, cleaned the streaks of make up off my face, walked into my boss's office and said I wasn't feeling well. She proceeded to tell me I looked awful and that I should get some rest.

I went home. There I cried. I called my Mom and cried some more. She was so good just to listen. I love that she doesn't pretend to know how I feel but tells me that she loves me.

All day I cried off and on. Husband came straight home after school to be with me. He's been strong throughout this whole thing. Optimistic and faith-filled. But when I had talked to him on the phone earlier I could tell he was a bit disappointed. By the time he got home though he was back to his encouraging and supportive self. He held me and let me cry to him. I told him how mad I was. How confused I was. How my heart was broken over a baby that I didn't even have and one that I now knew I was never even close to carrying. I told him how when we both felt so strongly that we shouldn't take Clomid anymore, my hope, although I tried to bridle it, was up there pretty high. I thought that this was it. We shouldn't be taking Clomid anymore because we wouldn't need to. We would be pregnant. But then when the nurse said, "..you didn't ovulate." I felt like part of me died. I was so frustrated and confused. All of my faith and hope disappeared.

Husband and I talked things out. We're making a new plan. We're going to rebuild our faith and hope. We're starting to put the pieces of my heart back together.