I never over-think.

I haven't written for a long time. Well at least not publicly. I want to be honest about my feelings so here it is...I'm struggling. And a lot of the struggles have been brought on by yours truly. I have a slight tendency to do what Matt calls "over-think" things. Turn nothing into something and the only one that can really see it is myself.

For one thing, work is really stressful right now and I have a feeling its going to get worse before it gets better. There are a lot of things happening and changing. A lot of unknowns really. Because of that I'm starting to question the timing of our plans. Should we reschedule things? Should we reconsider whether or not to grow our family until Matt's done with school and then I can stay at home? When we get pregnant is it going to add extra stress to my work? When we have babies projects are still going to need to get done...will they be done well? Is the stress of work going to affect my pregnancy? What if we get pregnant, I get too stressed out because of work, and then we lose the baby?

Number two, social media is going to be the death of me. I hate the internet and social media sometimes. People get addicted to it or so wrapped up in it that your confidence is based off how many "likes" you get and right now I'm feeling like one of those people. The internet is an amazing tool. Absolutely amazing and so much good can come from it. But when I post something about the race and only 3 people like it I start to panic. I get anxious and start thinking that people are annoyed with me talking about our infertility or about the race. Then those thoughts start shifting into the idea that if people are annoyed they aren't going to come to the race because they're so sick of me and then we aren't going to raise enough money to do IVF and we'll have to wait another three years to have babies. And before I know it I'm staring at my phone waiting for the little number to appear on my Facebook app telling me someone has liked the post.

Now times the intensity of those questions by 100 and read them really really fast over and over and you'll have a tiny glimpse into my brain. My over-thinking brain. My emotional, over-thinking brain.

The thing that is frustrating (yet comforting) is that even though I'm thinking all of that, my heart and spirit are telling me something else...
"All will be well."
"If you are working hard and being honest you have nothing to worry about."
"Work is work. It will always be there and you will always wonder so just do your best and trust that it will work out."
"Whether you are there or not, the projects will get taken care of."
"Its okay if something gets done by someone else. That's why you have co-workers."
"Social media is a horrible way to judge the outcome of the race. Only a handful of people see those posts and chances are they just don't want to get a billion notifications that come when others like it."
"The love of others can't be measures by how many likes you get."
"People will come. Be patient and faith filled."
"You, Matt and several others have worked hard to raise the money you need to do this. The Lord will bless you for that and you will have what you need."
"You faithfully keep the commandments and do what is asked of you. That is all that is expected."

And each of those thoughts are confirmed by the Holy Ghost so I know they're true. But then fear and doubt sneak right on in and I get all flustered and frustrated because things are conflicting and when it comes to the over-thinking piece of me I get all worked up and irritated with myself and sometimes all the worries win.

I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of doubting. But no matter how hard I try not to, it still comes and it starts all over again.

How do I turn off my over-thinking, emotional brain? How do I not worry about these things? How have I let myself become so enthralled in things like social media?

I hate Father's Day.

For a lot of women that are experiencing infertility, Mother's Day can be something almost unbearable to live through.

You go to church and everything is focused on mothers-the talks, the lessons, everything. But you aren't one and you can't help but think you may never be one in this life. You watch all the little kids run out of primary with their homemade cards or pictures for their moms and those women swoop their children up, tell them thank you and that they love them, and the child beams because they're so proud of their gift. And your heart aches to have your own little own to pick up and squeeze. You overhear conversations or watch Facebook blow up about how great their husbands are for bringing them breakfast in bed and flowers because as a mom you fix breakfast for your family everyday and you deserve a day off. But being infertile and only having your husband around who is perfectly capable of pouring his box of cereal you start to wonder if you'll ever have anyone else to care for.

There's no need to keep going with other examples. Its pretty obvious that Mother's Day can be a bit rough and it makes sense why some women choose to stay at home and skip out on church or anything else for that matter. It's a day you just want to forget and ignore.

Honestly, I've never had a problem with Mother's Day. Sure, I'll think about how fun it will be to have a fridge filled with horrible scribbles that I've been told are Matt and I holding hands or forcing my kid to sit at the table until they've eaten five more bites of their food. But, for now I don't have that and thats okay. I will someday and when that time comes I will celebrate motherhood.

The thing I hate is Father's Day. I hate that we aren't able to celebrate Matt being a Dad to someone. I hate that I have all those thoughts about not being a mom focused on the possibility that my husband may not be a Dad anytime soon. I hate that I can't give him a baby. I hate that he doesn't have his own little ones to scoop up and cuddle the way he does with our friends' babies and our niece and nephew. I hate that my body is the primary cause of our infertility and that he has to endure this trial because of me. I hate Father's Day.

However, we have been blessed with amazing people in our lives and made the day bearable. Two of our dear friends sent beautiful messages to Matt this year and both brought peace to my heart. One from one of our students that we've grown a bit attached to sent a message thanking Matt for being a worthy priesthood holder and giving her a blessing months ago when she was sick. She told him that he had been more of a father to her than her dad had in 22 years and that memory is sacred to her. Another came from one of our best friends telling Matt how grateful she was that he was such a wonderful father figure to her children. She told him how much she appreciated the way he played and cared for her kids and that he was going to be a great dad someday.

With infertility a lot of the focus is on the woman because she is unable to be a mother but, the man is just as important because he is unable to be a father. His feelings and thoughts are equally important and they are often overlooked. Those messages were answers to my prayers. I'm so thankful for the thought and love that were behind them. I'm grateful that Matt was able to hear from someone else that he will be a wonderful father. Those messages made Father's Day a little easier for me to get through.