Monday, June 17, 2013

I hate Father's Day.

For a lot of women that are experiencing infertility, Mother's Day can be something almost unbearable to live through.

You go to church and everything is focused on mothers-the talks, the lessons, everything. But you aren't one and you can't help but think you may never be one in this life. You watch all the little kids run out of primary with their homemade cards or pictures for their moms and those women swoop their children up, tell them thank you and that they love them, and the child beams because they're so proud of their gift. And your heart aches to have your own little own to pick up and squeeze. You overhear conversations or watch Facebook blow up about how great their husbands are for bringing them breakfast in bed and flowers because as a mom you fix breakfast for your family everyday and you deserve a day off. But being infertile and only having your husband around who is perfectly capable of pouring his box of cereal you start to wonder if you'll ever have anyone else to care for.

There's no need to keep going with other examples. Its pretty obvious that Mother's Day can be a bit rough and it makes sense why some women choose to stay at home and skip out on church or anything else for that matter. It's a day you just want to forget and ignore.

Honestly, I've never had a problem with Mother's Day. Sure, I'll think about how fun it will be to have a fridge filled with horrible scribbles that I've been told are Matt and I holding hands or forcing my kid to sit at the table until they've eaten five more bites of their food. But, for now I don't have that and thats okay. I will someday and when that time comes I will celebrate motherhood.

The thing I hate is Father's Day. I hate that we aren't able to celebrate Matt being a Dad to someone. I hate that I have all those thoughts about not being a mom focused on the possibility that my husband may not be a Dad anytime soon. I hate that I can't give him a baby. I hate that he doesn't have his own little ones to scoop up and cuddle the way he does with our friends' babies and our niece and nephew. I hate that my body is the primary cause of our infertility and that he has to endure this trial because of me. I hate Father's Day.

However, we have been blessed with amazing people in our lives and made the day bearable. Two of our dear friends sent beautiful messages to Matt this year and both brought peace to my heart. One from one of our students that we've grown a bit attached to sent a message thanking Matt for being a worthy priesthood holder and giving her a blessing months ago when she was sick. She told him that he had been more of a father to her than her dad had in 22 years and that memory is sacred to her. Another came from one of our best friends telling Matt how grateful she was that he was such a wonderful father figure to her children. She told him how much she appreciated the way he played and cared for her kids and that he was going to be a great dad someday.

With infertility a lot of the focus is on the woman because she is unable to be a mother but, the man is just as important because he is unable to be a father. His feelings and thoughts are equally important and they are often overlooked. Those messages were answers to my prayers. I'm so thankful for the thought and love that were behind them. I'm grateful that Matt was able to hear from someone else that he will be a wonderful father. Those messages made Father's Day a little easier for me to get through.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you don't mind that I found your blog through the Pound the Pavement website. But I just wanted to leave a little comment and say that I am right there with you. We are in the infertility boat also and Father's Day and knowing that I am not able to give my husband what he deserves the most is one of the hardest parts for me as well. It's so reassuring to know that I am not alone in my struggles (unfortunately there are WAY too many of us!) But best of luck on your race and hopefully, maybe, I will be able to have to chance to meet you there. -Heidi Merrill

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