I'm so awkward.

Well we had our interview tonight. Matt says it went well. I say that I'm an awkward weirdo. You always think of what you should have said after the fact! I'm pretty sure I just rambled on and on about who knows what giving too much information about things people don't want to know. I was so nervous. UGH! Hopefully the kindness of others with their thoughts and prayers will be reciprocated with a miracle to counteract my awful impression.

Regardless of whether or not we're selected it was such a blessing to even be thought of and consider for this generous opportunity. To hear Jill and Shelly's stories was the perfect way to begin our journey again. It was so great to talk to other women who have experienced what we're going through and to be lifted by their faith and encouragement. And their examples make me speechless. Things have not gone the way they hoped in their pursuit of children but they continue to support and help others. They've experienced great and mighty miracles in their lives and I have no doubt it is because of their efforts to help others. 

Pound the Pavement is making their final decisions on Wednesday and we'll know by then if we were picked as a sponsored couple. 

Fingers are crossed and hopes are high!

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood-We got an interview!

Back in the day when we first begin seeking medical assistant to have a baby I started researching infertility, treatments, cost, etc. To say I went on a Google binge is an understatement. Well like most people who go crazy researching medical avenues I became overwhelmed with the potential expenses that we could face. Thousands and thousands of dollars! Because I dove into understanding our insurance policy and potential secondary insurance policies I knew that our insurance coverage wasn't going to be helpful in any direction we went. From there I started a quest to find organizations that help with the cost of fertility treatments. There are a few out there but not many. I'm not surprised really. Fertility is such a personal and sacred thing that comes with some much emotion that people do not talk about it yet alone have medical assistance programs. That's a rant for another day...anyways that's when I started think about how our trial of infertility may be for a bigger purpose outside of us. I started thinking of ways that we could raise the money we need but something that could help others as well. The organizations I had found I didn't connect with. I'm not sure why but it didn't jive. I knew of an elder that served in Matt's hometown that struggled with infertility and I started following his wife's blog. She shared her experience and they now have beautiful twin boys that came to them through the means of IVF. They couldn't afford it either but were blessed to participate in a small, local organization called Pound the Pavement for Parenthood (PPP). PPP plans and hosts 5K races where they sponsor couples trying to pay for fertility treatments. All the money from registration fees they give to the couples that are sponsored. It's an amazing program and as soon as I read about it I knew I had to get involved. At the time we weren't even sure we need help funding our treatments because we were in just the beginning stages. We just got involved because of how drawn to it we were and we wanted to help others in any way we could. We helped with publicity, donating items to a silent auction, and making signs for the day. Nothing huge and we didn't think much of it. Well, here we are over 6 months later and PPP opened their application for sponsorship. Because we know we'll need to do IVF to put a baby in my belly we decided to submit an application just to see. We might as well do everything we can right? We put it in hoping for the best but not expecting much. However, we received the better! We were selected for an interview! Our interview is tomorrow and we're so excited! 1) I'm excited to spend time with these wonderful women that have done so much for others and hear their stories. 

2) We having an interview!!!! That puts us so much closer to our dream than we ever imagined!

3 months have passed

It's been 3 months since we received that heartbreaking news our last fertility treatment didn't work. As I look back on that prayerful decision we made to take a break for a bit my heart is full. I thought it was going to be hard to do nothing for 3 months. At the beginning of  those first 2 years before we started treatments I always had an itch to have a baby but it was always "It'll come. It'll come. Just be patient. For some people it takes time for it to happen." Towards the end of the second year I was dying. It consumed everything about me. My thoughts. My actions. For heavens sake I was no where close to having a baby but I would walk the baby isles at the store looking around like I had something to buy. I would even put off taking a pregnancy test because I knew I wasn't pregnant but the thought that I could be was better than knowing for sure I wasn't. Denial. It was straight up denial. I was like the lady on Glee. You know the one at the very beginning of the series before it went super trashy. The only thing I was missing was a fake pregnant belly to strap on each day. Maybe I wasn't that bad but it was still hard. I thought these last 3 months were going to be like that and in a way I was dreading it. I'd rather be doing something to achieve our goal rather than sit around and hope for it to happen. None the less we felt strongly we should and it has been wonderful blessing.
The last 3 months have flown by and have been filled with peace. Don't get me wrong EVERYDAY we think about and pray for the children we will have one day. But we've grown over these 3 months in ways we wouldn't have otherwise. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are stronger and better. We needed to take a step back and focus on us again. Regardless of whether or not we have children here on earth Matt and I are a family. Just because we do not have children does not mean we are not a family.
Because we consciously took that time away from our infertility it made that time easier but we decided that come our anniversary in April we would begin again. So needless to say I've got the baby itch again. We're ready to start pursuing the avenues we need to grow our family. We're excited, full of hope, and full of faith.

Triple Check

It's been about 2 months since our last appointment. The appointment where our options were minimized. Where our options grew further away. It sucked. That day my doctor wrote me out some prescriptions, 1 being for Provera. Provera kicks start the menstrual cycle. I take these tiny pills for 10 days and then my body hemorrhages for 10 more days. Its pure bliss. Incredible what something so small can do to you. Anyways, I took the prescription, got it filled, and was supposed to start taking it that day. I didn't do it. Something Dr. C said was holding me back.

When she told us that my follicles were no where to be seen she also said, "There's a small possibility you released an egg but its not likely. I have no explanation why your follicles would be gone." POSSIBILITY. She said "...a small possibility..." which in mind translated into "Well, even the smallest possibility can be equal to a miracle." So, I didn't take the medicine. I didn't want to jeopardize what could be our miracle even if it wasn't likely.

Well here we are 2 months later and tonight I took another pregnancy test. That little bottle of medicine has been haunting me. Screaming at me to start taking it so when we are ready to get things going again we won't have to do something I could be doing while we wait. But I couldn't start taking it without knowing FOR SURE that I was acting as a baby factory. So I took my third pregnancy test in 2 months just to triple check.

It was negative. Am I surprised? No. Disappointed? Every time. Do I have peace of mind? Yes. I know its weird and none of this probably makes sense but I had to see it before I could start taking the medicine. I had to know. I had to see it. Now I feel okay about taking the medicine. It's strange right? I knew I wasn't pregnant. I knew. But I couldn't take the medicine. I was hoping I was wrong. I really wish I was wrong. I think that's why I had to take another test. Just to see it. Just to make sure. 

Today

I can't wait for the day I can hold a baby...our baby...in my arms and tell them about how important they are to us. And to God.
We've fought so hard to have a baby here on earth with us and there are times I wonder if it will ever happen in this life. It may be pessimistic to think those thoughts or have those doubts but they are real and we have to deal with them.
I have faith, I really do. Some days I don't feel like I do. But today, today I have faith. Today, I'm not ready to accept the thought or idea that we may never have children of our own. Young spirits that we've been trusted with to teach and protect. I'm not ready to accept that. I'm not ready to stop fighting for that day where I get to rock our baby and tell them about how much we love them.
I'm not ready to give up.
I'm not ready to stop believing in miracles.
Today I have faith.
Today I believe.

Today was a bad day.

Today didn't go well. The doctor couldn't see any follicles this time. Last week we had 2 that we're at 10 and 11 but now they're gone. And there is no explanation. I feel so lost and confused right now. So frustrated and angry. I have so many thoughts going around in my mind. 

I look back at the last three weeks and think about the amount of medicine I took...its crazy. I remember at one point it was 8 pills a day plus a shot. It was nuts. In the beginning I was so nervous to mix the shots but after a couple times I got it down easy peasy and was popping those needles in my stomach like it was nothin. We didn't do ovulation tests because with PCOS your hormones are all over the place so you can get false positives. The doctor said if we wanted to do it we could but she was okay either way. We opted out and I don't have any regrets about it. I don't think it would have helped us know if it was happening or not. 

Because I didn't respond in the way we had hoped we're taking a break for a few months. We're going to focus on becoming healthier physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially for a bit. We've taken a big hit in all those areas over the last year and we need to step back a bit. 

I think taking a break will be good for me emotionally too. The last two weeks have been the hardest ones and I just don't know how much more I can handle right now. I need some time to muster up some more hope I suppose. 

Have you ever had a trial where you start to struggle to even pray? Lately I just dread praying with Matt when its my turn to pray. I'm fine on my own for personal prayers but family prayer just about pushes me over the edge. I just start sobbing. My heart aches and pleading to the Lord on our behalf takes a lot out of me. I want to grow our family with Matt. Praying with him is so sacred to me and I think thats why I become so emotional. 

Week 3

We're still going strong on shots! This was week 3 of them. It's beena a LONG and EXEPNSIVE month! I'm just not responding as quickly this time around so it's drawn things out quite a bit. We go in on Thursday to see if my follicles are where they need to be and ready to release those little eggs. If they are we're going to do an IUI. We've waited so long for any type of response that we want to be as aggresive as we can. 
The first week I didn't respond it was really hard. I've never been that upset and emotional over our infertility than I was then. I just didn't understand why I would respond last month and not at all this time. I think in mind we had finally figured something out and we just needed to do it a couple times for us to get pregnant. 
I just sobbed to my doctor and the nurses and asked why it wasn't working. They said that women with PCOS won't ever find the silver bullet. Because our horomones are all over the place all of the time there is never a guarantee. I already knew that but that time I finally understood and things have been a lot better. I've been a lot more patient. So now we're keeping our fingers crossed for Thursday!!