The waiting game.

Well I made it home in time. The day after I got there I emailed my supervisors and told them that for personal reasons that I needed to leave no later than Saturday morning. I apologized and offered to pay for the expenses out of my pocket but that there was no way I could stay at the conference. They were really supportive and offered their sympathies to whatever was going on and to do what I needed. I was grateful for that. With no explanation it would be really easy to not be understanding and persistent in knowing why. It was definitely a tender mercy and I'm thankful for their kindness. 

Saturday morning I took the HCG trigger shot to force the eggs to release from the follicle and then we had to have timed intercourse, meaning you have sex 12 hours and 24 hours after you take the trigger shot. I was home Saturday night. We did our thing and now we wait. 

That all happened last week so we have another week before we know if it worked. I'll go into the doctor to have blood work done to see if I'm pregnant. I bought literally 10 pregnancy tests despite Matt's cautionary requests because I want so badly to see a positive test! I've seen more negative tests than I can count. But, I have to control myself. I'm excited we've made progress! This is the closest we've ever been. At the same time though I'm TERRIFIED of getting too excited and then not being pregnant.

Let the baby making begin!

Unfortunately, I didn't respond to the full dosage of Femara. It was a sad and hard day. My doctor sat us down and we went through our options again. Shots or IVF is what it came down to. She reminded us of the risk of having multiples if we did the shots but that we could do a little experimenting with it if we wanted. We would do the lowest dosage of the shots to see if I respond and increase it slowly until I have two or three follicles mature. Normally, when doctors prescribe the shots they do full dosage and it opens up seven or eight follicles. If you have a lot of healthy eggs thats when you have 3+ babies at once. If you have a low egg count then this is good way to get pregnant because even though you several follicles open they won't necessarily have the eggs to release. Thankfully I have a lot of healthy eggs but it makes this treatment risky. It was a tough decision but we decided to try the shots at a low dosage. It's a little expensive but not nearly as expensive as IVF and we felt good about the decision.

I started shots that day and five days later I went back in. We-us and the doctor- weren't expecting to see any results. Matt and I were just trying to keep our hopes down. It's less disappointing that way. The doctor however thought the dosage was too low to start seeing anything. We were all pleasantly surprised!! I responded and had 3 mature follicles! It seriously was a miracle! My doctor is convinced that I have never had a follicle mature so she was more excited then we were! 

I'll have to take a trigger shot in a couple days that will release my eggs, then the hubs and I do the baby makin' dance and we wait. 

We're really excited about this! However we do have a bit of a problem...I'm flying to Florida tomorrow for work. I'm supposed to take my trigger shot on Saturday. I'm not supposed to get back until Monday. No one at work knows about our infertility. Haven't quite figured that one out yet.....

People treat you differently

So lately I've been having a pity party and I've only invited myself.  I've been struggling with the way the very few people that know about our infertility have been treating me. Maybe I'm just self conscious but I just feel like every time someone wants to know about how things are going that they tip toe around it. I'm totally fine talking about it but I want to be asked directly. I get sheepish/nervous/indirect/awkward "How are you?" or "Are you doing okay?".  It's just weird and makes me feel like something is wrong. I mean there is something wrong but not like that type of wrong. Does that make sense? It's almost like that awkward feeling when someone's relative or close friend dies and you aren't sure how to talk to them. It's just weird.

On top of it all I have a ridiculous fear of telling people about our situation. It could be for a number of reasons but the way people respond is one of the big reasons. People act different. Hardly anyone knows but I have a few close friends that do and each fall into one of the categories from this video clip. We watch How I Met Your Mother religiously and this part hit much too close to home. (PS-She thought she was pregnant but found out she wasn't so now she's "celebrating".)

I have a friend that always wants to go out to eat and pays for it. Or they bring me treats. One asks questions that are a little ahead of where I'm at and I'm never quite sure how to respond without feeling dumb. Another will seriously start crying when I talk about it. Plus, at one point she was literally following me around waiting for the "perfect" moment to ask me about things. I kind of freaked out at her at that point. I couldn't handle it.

I do not want to be treated differently. Yes, the whole situation totally stinks, but that is the life we have right now. I'm okay. Husband is okay. Some days are hard but we're doing just fine. Should I not be fine? Should I be just as worried and concerned as my friends are? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm totally fine talking about it. If you ask directly I will tell what I want to tell you or what I feel comfortable sharing.

Close...but no cigar.

I had my ultrasound today and I was SOOOO confident that all would be well and we could start treatments today. I've had this box of drugs sitting at our apartment forever and I want to start using them. Look at this stuff! It's ridiculous how much it entails. This is only ONE treatment....

Anyways, I go to my appointment where the doctor stuck that magical ultrasound wand up my stuff and unfortunately, my lining is just not ready. I'm learning more and more as we go along. When you finish your period the lining of your uterus should measure at a 7 or below. 7 what? Yeah...I don't know either. To my disappointment I am measuring at 12. That's what people measure at BEFORE their period. So what I want to know is WHAT THE HECK HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THE LAST 19 DAYS??? I asked Dr. C (that is what she will now be known as PS...) about it and she said that there is a good chance that all those times I was having light periods over the last few months I was actually just having heavy spotting because of the hormones from the Clomid. I hate Clomid. Hence the 19 day period. Apparently things were pretty thick up in there which would explain the appearance of polyps and the concern with abnormal cells. At least we know things aren't pre cancerous AND this ultrasound was free courtesy of Dr. C. I was just there a week ago so I think she was feeling bad for me. I'll take the sympathy. Doctor bills are expensive. 

So what now? Well, I started a regimen of more pills. These ones are going to kick start my body into period mode. I'll take the Provera for the 10 days and then about 5-7 days after that I should start my period AGAIN. Delightful right? I shouldn't really complain. It's a blessing to even have this type of medical assistance to make it possible to have a baby. 

No cancer...whoo!

So, my biopsy results came back today. Dr. Conway called to give me the good news. She said that now that is ruled out we can get going on some treatments. She went on to say that when I start my period again we'll begin with some drugs (she didn't really say it in those words). I told her about how today was the first day that aunt flow hasn't come to visit and it took her back for a second. I think she was a little stunned because 19 days ago is when I had started my period. Because of that she asked if I could come in today or tomorrow for another ultrasound. The ultrasound is to check my uterus to see if it's ready to get doped up and implant a baby! My down with that! Bring on the drugs!! My appointment is tomorrow so we will see how it goes..sending positive vibes into the universe.

My first biopsy

I had my water ultrasound today. It wasn't as bad as the fallopian tube test but I still wouldn't go straight to it being a party. Good news-no polyps. Bad news-there was still some weird growths going on so Dr. Conway did a biopsy of my uterine cells. That was lovely. She scrapped out my insides so everything is smooth now but she's sending those little cells to the lab. She's pretty confident that they aren't cancerous but they could be pre-cancerous. So we'll see what happens..
Oh and I've been on my period for 12 days now. It's super light now so I'm hoping this is the end.

Happy happy birthday

I have the best husband. He always makes things so special. Today is my birthday and I had to spend it away from home. I was gone for work but when I came home I couldn't have been more excited. He decorated with a bunch of printed papers that said "It's your birthday." like in The Office.

He made my favorite cherry chip cake and had presents for me. The most special part of my birthday was this necklace. It's to remind me to have hope in our dream of having kids of our own.

Isn't he the best?? I love him. Love love love him. We spent the evening with some friends watching football. Well, the guys watched football and the ladies played with the little ones and talked for awhile.  It was a simple but wonderful birthday. Here's to my 27th year. How about a year of miracles? I think so.