I want a baby. I wanna baby bad.

Bet you hadn't guessed by now that I want a baby...

I swear thats all I think about.

It used to be more of "If we get to have a baby.." but now its "When the baby gets here..." I'm a lot more positive than I used to be. But there's still that a little part of me that thinks IF.

IF is doubt. IF is bad news bears for me. IF messes with my head and confuses my heart.
WILL is faith. WILL pushes past IF. WILL is what we're fighting for.

We WILL have a baby. I'm not exactly completely sure when but we will. And I will want that little runt as badly then as I do right now.

Mixed emotions

Today Jill called from Pound the Pavement to share what she called "bad news".

We found out last week that Dr. Foulk from Utah Fertility Center donated a free IVF cycle to raffle off at the race. When we first found out we were excited (Still excited! Can't get over it really! An IVF cycle for free...that's like $15,000 just handed to you. Amazing!). We thought "Oh this is so great because what if our names are drawn? That would be so incredible!" and then our thoughts went to "Well, if we do get drawn we won't need as much of the money from the registrations so then what do we do? We could ask if it could be donated to someone else? We'll have to talk to Jill and see." and then a couple days later "Would that be super weird and selfish if we got drawn and then had the money from the registrations? Would it be offensive to other infertile couples? I don't want people to think we're greedy and selfish. We've already been given so much."

We were confused and feeling kind of selfish. This whole experience from being selected to the online fundraiser thing and now getting ready for the race has just been so surreal and strange. We aren't used to nor do we do well with being on the receiving end so this kind of just added to it. Jill called today because after speaking with Dr. Foulk and the PPP board they decided that the purpose of the IVF giveaway is to help get more people to the race (which means more registration fee $$ for the couples) and to help those struggling with infertility come out of the woodwork in hopes of something that would help them have a miracle. Plus LDSFS hasn't donated adoption fees so its not really fair to the other couple being sponsored. With that all in mind it was decided that the sponsored couples (that's us) would not be eligible to win the donated IVF cycle.

I'll be honest I was a little disappointed at first. It was another opportunity to get that baby we want so badly in our arms and now it was gone, so disappointment is expected right? (Or am I that selfish?) After about 30 seconds of that feeling I felt such peace. No more worrying about what to do with all the hypothetical money, the greedy feelings, or what I would do when I burst into tears in front of all those people. And to top it off someone else is going to be able to have a miracle!! Can't beat that!

I really feel like "the stars are aligning" for us. Our baby(maybe babies) will be here soon. We're so close. And I know that "the stars are aligning" for someone else too and with that donated IVF cycle their baby will be here sooner than they think. It's exciting! All of it is. August 3rd cannot get here soon enough. Don't forget to register for the race! $30 at www.poundthepavementforparenthood.com 

Another Perspective

Its easy for me being in the think of dealing with infertility to remember others and how they are dealing with our infertility. Sometimes I wish it was only Matt and I that have to deal with our infertility but it effects a lot of people around us. Family and close friends especially.

My mom came to the Infertility Awareness Week a couple weeks ago (which I still haven't written about....ugh!) and because Dr. Conway was there speaking my mom was able to meet her. My mom is a bit involved in my life so I think it was a relief for her to hear my actual doctor talk about infertility and even answer questions my mom had about our case specifically. I think it made it more real for my mom. Not that my mom didn't believe us or anything but having the words come out of a doctor's mouth is a little bit more of a reality than your daughter trying to explain things with degree deemed upon her via Grey's Anatomy.... One thing my mom asked that hit me hard and really made to start to think about how this is effecting her is "Do you know if PCOS is a genetic thing? Did she get this from me?" It made me start to wonder if my mom was feeling like this was her fault and if it she be something I worry about for when I have babies. Unfortunately, there's no explanation as to why PCOS happens and who it happens to. Which I'm almost grateful for. I would hate to have to worry about passing it on to my baby girls and I would die if my mom ever had to feel like our infertility was her fault. (By the way if you don't know my mother she is AMAZING. We adore her and she would do anything for her babies. I can't wait until she's a grandma!)

After that night I started thinking about how things may be effecting our other family members. Amanda, my sister-in-law, came to mind first and I asked her she would share her thoughts about our infertility. How it was effecting her and her family. Matt and Amanda are very close and we've become best friends since I married her brother. We adore her little babies and I will tell you right now that I have THE cutest niece and nephew. I appreciate her willingness to share her experience and what she thinks about the whole lack of cousins issue....While infertility has the biggest impact on the couple experiencing it, it doesn't mean that others aren't effected.

When my brother called me to tell me about their struggle with infertility I went through a few different emotions. I will list them and explain them below. No judging!

Relief: I was so relieved that they finally told us. I had assumed for a while that this was one of their struggles since I knew they weren’t stopping a baby from coming. I had already been praying and fasting for them and finally I could show them the support I wanted to show without being rudely in their business. I was relieved that I could ask questions now. Not because I wanted to be nosey and be in their business (like when I blog stalk people sometimes) but because I really care about them and love them and want to know what is going on in their lives.

Disappointment: When we visited for Christmas I had seen some shots in their bathroom that I accurately assumed were infertility treatments. When he first called I thought it was good news that a baby was coming to their family. I was disappointed first for them, of course, because I know they are wonderful and will be the best parents, but I was also disappointed for me as selfish as that is. I want nieces and nephews to spoil! Specifically from them since they are my favorite of the marrieds ;) I also was hoping that their kids would be close in age to my oldest (almost 3) because he adores Uncle Matt Matt and Aunt Mar Mar. I was hoping it would be a way to keep us connected. See, like I said, selfish, but at least I thought of them first, right?

Guilt: Let’s face it. My trial is not infertility and it makes me sad that someone, anyone has to go through that. Let alone my own brother and sister-in-law. I feel guilty because I am 23 and have 2 kids close together and will probably have more children soon. My husband and I plan to have a lot and it makes me feel guilty that we can. I think I wasn’t given that trial because I couldn’t have handled it. I don’t even pretend to understand how it feels. It took us 7 months to get pregnant with our second and that was only because I was breastfeeding. I got pregnant 2 weeks after I stopped nursing. I almost went crazy for about 4 of those months. That is not right. How many years have people struggled to have kids? How many years has my own family? And I was worried about a few months. I had this guilt before I even knew about Matthew and Marissa because of some friends I have who struggle with this same trial. And I feel guilty whenever my kids drive me crazy. I can honestly say I have never once been one of those moms who wish they could just stop being a mother for a day. I have heard that before and have been shocked. I can see their viewpoint, but I have never felt that way. Ever. I am grateful for my children, but it does get crazy sometimes and I feel guilty, because if these children had gone to Matthew and Marissa instead would they have had better parents? My 2 year old is Matt’s biggest fan. Really. How much happier could they have been?

Sadness: Who isn’t sad when they hear that someone they love can’t have kids? For crying out loud, I cry reading random strangers’ blogs about it, but put my family’s name in there and it makes me sorrowful. I don’t feel sorry for them. It may seem like that, but deep down I don’t. My deep down gut feeling is that this is a wonderful trial for them. I’m not going through it so I doubt I would feel that way if it was me. But I can see how it can really bring them closer to God. I already saw that in Marissa’s blog. When I found out about it I sat down and read it straight through. I could see the changes in their lives already just through her words. But I still feel sad. I know I would be sad, so I feel sad for them. I don’t always know what to say, but I know how to feel in order to have the most empathy I can for someone who isn’t experiencing that trial.

Awkward: Ok. I’m not going to lie. This is something I have felt. Not because I look at them differently or because it’s a “taboo topic”. I don’t think those things at all, but because I don’t always know what to say and I don’t know if I will accidently hurt their feelings or say something dumb on a particularly hard day for them. I hope they would tell me to stop being dumb if I did do that, but what if they think I don’t sincerely care? I really do and it’s hard to know if I am handling it in the ways that they need.

Hopeful: I know they can have sweet babies. In my mind it’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when. I don’t know if it’s the will of God that they do. But I do know that He can make it possible that they do. I know that many people don’t have children at all, even through adoption, but in my mind, I think it is His will. I have faith that it is. I have hope that it is. It may not be my trial, but I want to shoulder some of their burden even if it’s just by praying for them and thinking about them. One thing I have come to learn over the years is the power of hope. Hope is powerful, beautiful, and strong. And I have hope for them and I can’t wait for my nieces and nephews to get here!

Love: My love has increased for them. I love that they are so strong. I love that they are willing to help so many other people even through a very difficult trial. I love that they trusted us with this information and that they have not resented us for having children.  Our children are left to them in our will if something should happen to us. If I trust them that much, then I know they will be the best parents. I love that this will happen one day and I pray that that “one day” is very soon. They truly deserve it.

Holy M.I.A.!

Holy bologna! It's been awhile since I've posted on our blog! Things have been crazy with work. A LOT of traveling without (or SUPER slow) internet.
Let's see...what's new??

1) Our race with Pound the Pavement for Parenthood has been confirmed! We've got the official date AUGUST 3rd at the Vineyard Sports Park in Orem, Utah. We're thrilled! August cannot get here soon enough. We're hoping to reach out to as many people as possible. Not just because it helps us move forward with starting our family but because the more that come the more people are familiar with infertility. Also, it would be so great to have people that are going through infertility be there and get connected with others so they have the support they need. So many live with infertility in silence and now that we've shared our story with others it's completely changed our outlook. It's a blessing for others to know. If you haven't registered for the race yet make sure you get  your early registration in ASAP. OHHHHHHH!!! I forgot to mention the best part of the race is that Utah Fertility Center (the doctor's office we go to) has donated an IVF cycle for a drawing on the day of!! Isn't that awesome!???!?!

2) We found out we won't have to do ICSI. (Yay!) ICSI is wear they insert the sperm directly into the egg with a needle to increase chances of fertilization. They do that when there is male factor infertility. Our doctor was concerned about a semen analysis that Matt did a year ago and so he just got to provide another "sample" a couple weeks ago and all is well. That saves us $1,700.00 so that's quite the blessing.

3) We also had a consultation with our doctor and have decided to do IVF at the end of the summer. We're SOOOOOOOOOO excited!! We can't believe that it's so close. We've been waiting for this for what seems like FOREVER. It's such a great feeling to have a plan and have it get closer and closer.

4) Infertility Awareness Night was great! I'll write more about that in another post.

5) I'm still wanting to share the stories of others that are going through infertility. Sharing your story can empower others so if you or someone you know wants to share we would love to! You can use your name, a sudoname, or even have it posted it anonymously. Send it my way...marissaking4110@gmail.com.

Ever wonder why?

WHY?

Why now? Why them? Why did this happen? Why isn't this happening? Why not me? Why? Why? Why? 

That's the question on my mind. Poor little Derek is laying in a hospital bed with his stomach swelling and in pain because at age 2 he has a tumor growing on his kidneys, spotting on his lung, and wrapped around his organs. And all I can think is why? Why Derek? Why Jay and Kara? It just doesn't make sense and I'm not sure it ever will. And if you think about it nothing ever really makes sense. 

We go about life experiencing different things, growing in our beliefs, making mistakes, doing good, and honestly when things happen it doesn't make sense. I am a believer in God and a bigger plan that I can't understand at this time because I can't see the "big picture". And so I have faith that regardless of what happens while we're on earth each experience allows us to learn and grow. I don't believe that God gives us trials or hardships but I believe that He doesn't prevent bad things from happening to us if He knows that we will be able to endure them and have the strength to overcome them. 

I write to help myself process, understand, and feel whats happening around me and right now as I watch my dear friends Jay and Kara go through this horrible nightmare with their son I'm thinking "I would never be able to do this." and my heart aches for them. And even though I believe every word I wrote in the paragraph before I still can't help but think "WHY?? Why Jay and Kara?". Infertility is nothing compared to this experience. I feel selfish for wanting a baby when they are at Derek's bedside watching their baby fight for his life. Why do they have to do this?! 

When we first started sharing about our infertility we had conversations with friends and family about it  and they've said things like "If we had to go through infertility I don't think I could do it." or "We feel guilty because we can have kids." or "We've never had something hard like this happen. It scares me for what could happen to us." At first I didn't know how to process comments like those. I wasn't offended or anything and I knew that sincerity was behind them all but I never knew how to respond to them and I think others feel the same when we try to sympathize with their troubles. It's comforting to know that people want to feel for you. That they try so hard to understand what you're experiencing and feeling. But in reality we can't know or fully feel what they are. 

Everyone has THEIR hard thing. The things that come up that you look at and think to yourself "I couldn't do it.", "This couldn't have happened to anyone stronger.", or "My life is great. Why do bad things have to happen to them? Why haven't they happened to me?".  We're just different. For example, infertility is something that is hard for us but we're doing it. Others probably couldn't do it but I probably couldn't do their hard thing. Does that make sense? 

God knows each of us. He knows what we can and can't do. And that's why I believe my hard thing is going to be different than your hard thing. And if you think about it we've each done something hard but now that its over we're okay and we don't think of it as a hard thing, more so just something we did. But others hear about or look at that hard thing that you've done and think "Holy crap. No way could I have ever survived that." And chances are they're probably right...thats why it was your hard thing....and not theirs. 

Sadly, Derek having cancer is Jay and Kara's hard thing and as much I wish it wasn't it doesn't change the fact that it is. But I'm grateful to know that God knows them. That He is with them. And that if God honestly believed that they couldn't do this, that they couldn't come out even better than they already are when all is said and done, that He wouldn't allow it to happen. 

The Fugal's are strong. They can do this. Please continue to pray for them. Pray for strength, courage, and direction. 

Team Derek

Our hearts are heavy right now. Our dear friends are suddenly struggling with something that we can't quite comprehend.

Sunday night we had dinner with some friends, nothing out of the ordinary-we do this probably at least once a month, and Derek, the two year old son of friend's Jay and Kara, was acting a little strange. Not super weird but Kara was concerned because he kept asking to go to the bathroom and then nothing would happen. We all thought maybe he had a UTI or was just adjusting to potty training or something. Come Monday he seemed fine but on Tuesday after dinner he threw up...A LOT. Like 12 times in a fairly short period of time. They called the on call nurse for their pediatrician and she said to bring him in in the morning. So they did. The flu and strep have both been going around so it honestly could have been a number of things. The doctor decided that Derek's symptoms were abnormally abnormal so they sent them to the ER next door. The ER did a cat scan and before you knew it Kara and her baby boy were in an ambulance on their way to Primary Children's Medical Center.  Since yesterday afternoon Derek has had a biopsy and a pick line put in his chest so that his upcoming chemotherapy treatments will be easier on him rather than putting an IV in each time. The doctors found that Derek has a tumor growing on his kidney's but has also continued to grow around his other organs and is now pushing up on his lungs. Derek's team of doctors are collaborating on what approach would be best due to its unusual nature of growing around so many organs. They could go in and remove the tumor now risking internal bleeding and other complications or put Derek on chemotherapy for a few weeks in attempt to shrink the tumor and then removing it. Either way Derek is in for chemotherapy for some time regardless of when the tumor is removed. Also the doctors are concerned that the tumor has burst and is currently bleeding and unfortunately the scans that have been done can't tell them for sure either way.

The hard (but inspiring) part is watching two of our best friends endure such an overwhelming experience. Until Wednesday life was just fine and now its been flipped upside down and makes zero sense. Jay and Kara have been amazing though. They are strong, positive, and simply moving forward one moment at a time. Its incredible. Their baby boy is their focus but the love and respect they have for each other is beyond apparent. They're a unit and every decision is made together. It's beautiful.

For us none of it feels real. This little boy that Matt teases, that we watch play superheroes, that we would do anything for is in the hospital with a tumor. A tumor?! It doesn't make sense. He's a baby. And although I'm not his mother, in fact not a mother to anyone, my heart is overwhelmed and my mind confused. I can't imagine what Kara is feeling and I pray I never will. I love Derek but the relationship he has with his mother goes beyond my comprehension.

Please pray for Derek and for his parents. Ask God to bless them with comfort, peace, and the clarity of mind they need as they move forward and care for Derek. He's a champ. And although he's in pain, tired, and confused he's still absolutely adorable and a joy to be around. He's polite, patient, and cute as ever.

If you want to stay updated on Derek's progress follow this Facebook page: Team Derek.

Infertility Awareness Night

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood is hosting a wonderful evening focused on informing and inspiring the community on infertility. It's being co-sponsored by the Utah Fertility Center, the Reproductive Care Center, LDS Family Services, and the UVU Community Health Club. All wonderful organizations wanting to help and educate others. Doctors from both centers will be speaking about infertility and different treatments, and LDSFC will be sharing information about adoption and the experiences people have had with that. AND on top of that a couple that just recently did IVF are going to be sharing their story and talk about the real life experience they've had. I'm excited! And I'm nervous....I'm nervous about people not coming. A lot of people are probably annoyed or confused as to why I've been posting, writing, and emailing about infertility so much. I'm doing it because it's a part of me. It's our reality and sadly its the reality for a lot of people out there. The even bigger downer of that is we don't know who all those people are. Infertility is such a weird thing. It's sometime humiliating so sharing it with others isn't always on the top of the public service announcement list, if you get what I mean.
So I'm pushing for people to come to this because its important for us all to be informed but it will also give hope to those that haven't reached out to anyone yet. So please come. Please be there with us. Please ask questions. If anything come hear the stories of others and share yours with them.

Shared Heartache

I have a dear friend, Lauren. I love her. We've experienced things together that I can't ever fully explain. We've seen miracles happen. We've laughed together. We've cried. We've felt anger. And we've experienced joy together. Unfortunately, we've felt the heartache of the unknown together. 

Lauren and I got married just 2 weeks apart and we both started to grow our families around the same time as well. Sadly, we both struggled during that time. I struggled with infertility and she with multiple miscarriages. We both felt such sadness and confusion. We both wondered why our bodies weren't doing what we believed they were suppose to. It's not something I wish we shared in common but I have found comfort in having a dear friend understand a piece of my heartache. Lauren was never diagnosed with infertility but she does know the pain of the disappointment that comes when you're unable to have a baby. I love and admire her as a woman. And I'm grateful for her example of taking control of her situation and making the choices she knew she needed to get baby Linden here. Another reason I love and respect Lauren is because she recognizes the gift she's been given. After much loss she has had a successful pregnancy and because of the road she's walked she's grown in her gratitude and appreciation of being a mother. Below is her story. 

*******************************

Josh and I got married on March 13, 2010, just a few short months after our courtship and engagement (5 months total...). We knew we had been blessed to be in the right place at the right time, but that's a story for another time. After we were married about 3 months, we felt like it would be good to start our family. We got pregnant after about 6 months of trying. We were eager to go to our first appointment at 10 weeks. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before our names were called to go meet our doctor. I peed in my cup and waited in the room for the doctor to come in and do our first ultrasound. We weren't familiar with what should be on an ultrasound screen, so we just waited to hear from the doctor. She asked, "Are you sure about the date of your last period?" I calmly responded, "Yep, pretty sure," and she was just quiet a few more moments. After she continued looking around she stopped and told us that she was 90% positive that I had had a miscarriage. Um, what?? She then showed us on the screen this little circle that was called a yolk sac. We had conceived and the egg had implanted into my uterine lining, but then the growth stopped. There was never even a heart beat. I remember being very calm and kind of confused. I held my composure as we went to the car, reviewing the instructions the doctor gave me about taking these pills to discharge the sac and placenta, etc, not knowing what to think. As Josh and I walked to the car, that's when the tears hit. What had happened?! 

That night was horrible. I took those pills and basically had a mini-labor, except without any type of pain medication because I threw it all up. Finally everything worked itself out and the healing process began. I felt comforted and knew that the next time around things would be different. We were told to wait 2 cycles before trying again. We obeyed, but it was taking us longer than we expected to get pregnant again. I went in for some testing to see if things were ok. As far as the ultrasounds of my ovaries and uterus went, I was fine. The only thing that was found was a tiny fibroid (a malignant tumor) that was about 3 cm big. The doctor told me that was absolutely nothing to be concerned with, so I wasn't. We got pregnant again 6 months after the first miscarriage. 

I called and asked if I would be able to get an early ultrasound to calm my fears and worries about the baby. We went in around 6 weeks and were blessed to see and hear a tiny heartbeat! It was amazing and we were sure that things would be great. I was nauseous and feeling pretty gross, which I was told was a good sign. We went in for our first "official" appointment at 10 weeks again. The Dr. did her routine check and again we were looking at an ultrasound. We saw that tiny little baby and could see a heart beat. The Dr. said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than my dates were, but that it wasn't unusual due to ovulation times, etc. We were again comforted and felt that all was well. 

We decided to be part of a study that was for first time moms, I can't remember the name. The day before the first appointment, (October 27th, my 25th birthday) I was at work and started bleeding. I knew it was a bad sign. I called the doctor and asked about bleeding and what I should do. The nurse I spoke with told me bleeding was not a good sign and she scheduled me an ultrasound at the outpatient building that afternoon. I already knew we would not be receiving good news. We waited FOREVER with me having the most full bladder I've ever had and we finally were called back. The technician did the ultrasound, and by now, we knew what to look for. There wasn't a heartbeat. All the technician said was "Sorry." I fell apart, crying and truly asking, "Why was this happening again?!" I didn't understand. We had to go back to the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse, not even my doctor (I never heard from her one time throughout my second miscarriage), to get the pills to discharge everything again. It didn't matter, my body had finally registered that something was wrong and was discharging things on it's own. 

The second miscarriage was must more difficult. Emotionally, physically, it was just exhausting. I was scared and sad and felt like I would never be able to carry a baby full-term. I couldn't stop thinking, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY??" I had had enough with that doctor and didn't feel like she even cared about me as a patient, much less as a person, so I was in the market for a new OBGYN. I was referred to Doctor Robert Later. My life was changed.

Around Christmastime my family came to visit from Texas. I was so glad, I had endured 2 miscarriages without my mama and needed her. When the time came for them to leave, I was so sad. I hugged my dad and he reassured me that things would be ok, definitely referring to me having a baby. I started to cry as this had been about 2 months after my last miscarriage. My dad offered to give me a blessing. I accepted. I know that I was healed and I got pregnant RIGHT away! I felt emotionally better and whole again. The first day of that last period was December 28th, 2011. A day that I will never forget. 

I made an appointment with my new doctor. I had some light bleeding at about 6 weeks and of course prepared for the worst. I called and the nurse said it could just be implantation bleeding, but that if I wanted, I could come in for an early appointment. I opted out, trying to have the hope that things would be ok. I made it to my 10 week appointment. I waited in the waiting room for about 4 minutes, which was AMAZING and was ushered into my Doctor's personal office. I was already so impressed with this place. Dr. Later then proceeded to ask me about my health history and asked about my miscarriages. I could tell he cared and that he was 100% on Team Lauren and Josh and Baby DeVard. He told me that, more often than not, miscarriages are coincidental, but that there is sometimes clotting in the uterine lining and that's when the placenta detaches and your body discharges the pregnancy. So--he prescribed me or ordered me to get baby aspirin (low dose aspirin) to take every day of my pregnancy. I LOVED that we met and he was already helping me. Josh arrived to the appointment after work and we then moved rooms for the ultrasound. The nurse was so nice and we were able to see our tiny little peanut. Healthy heart beat and the sizing was right on track. Dr. Later told me he wanted to see me in 2 weeks, as opposed to the usual 4, just to make sure things were looking right. I LOVED him for that. 

After I hit the 20 week mark, I was finally comforted and felt that things would truly be ok this time. I started to show and eventually felt the little kicks and bubbles of our baby. We found out it would be a girl and were beyond excited. On September 29, 2012, Linden entered our lives. She was a miracle to us and continues to be every day. I went in for my 6 week follow-up appointment and Dr. Later told me that I had a tipped uterus. He said that back in the day, if you had a tipped uterus, you wouldn't be able to have a viable pregnancy. Sure proved them wrong. 

As I sit here, typing our story, I feel so grateful for our miracle and hope and pray that those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility. I can't tell you that you'll get pregnant tomorrow, if ever, but I can tell you (and I know this is cliche' and something that you get sick of hearing) that God knows all. We all have our trials, but he sees the bigger picture and we CAN trust and have faith and hope in that. Something that I've promised myself and want to promise all of you is that I will NEVER publicly complain about my child. I know how painful that can be when you see those that have been blessed with children, curse or complain about them. I pray for you and I hope that through miracles of God and modern medicine that you'll be blessed with your own miracle of a child, whether they be your flesh and blood or someone else's.

-Lauren