Ever wonder why?

WHY?

Why now? Why them? Why did this happen? Why isn't this happening? Why not me? Why? Why? Why? 

That's the question on my mind. Poor little Derek is laying in a hospital bed with his stomach swelling and in pain because at age 2 he has a tumor growing on his kidneys, spotting on his lung, and wrapped around his organs. And all I can think is why? Why Derek? Why Jay and Kara? It just doesn't make sense and I'm not sure it ever will. And if you think about it nothing ever really makes sense. 

We go about life experiencing different things, growing in our beliefs, making mistakes, doing good, and honestly when things happen it doesn't make sense. I am a believer in God and a bigger plan that I can't understand at this time because I can't see the "big picture". And so I have faith that regardless of what happens while we're on earth each experience allows us to learn and grow. I don't believe that God gives us trials or hardships but I believe that He doesn't prevent bad things from happening to us if He knows that we will be able to endure them and have the strength to overcome them. 

I write to help myself process, understand, and feel whats happening around me and right now as I watch my dear friends Jay and Kara go through this horrible nightmare with their son I'm thinking "I would never be able to do this." and my heart aches for them. And even though I believe every word I wrote in the paragraph before I still can't help but think "WHY?? Why Jay and Kara?". Infertility is nothing compared to this experience. I feel selfish for wanting a baby when they are at Derek's bedside watching their baby fight for his life. Why do they have to do this?! 

When we first started sharing about our infertility we had conversations with friends and family about it  and they've said things like "If we had to go through infertility I don't think I could do it." or "We feel guilty because we can have kids." or "We've never had something hard like this happen. It scares me for what could happen to us." At first I didn't know how to process comments like those. I wasn't offended or anything and I knew that sincerity was behind them all but I never knew how to respond to them and I think others feel the same when we try to sympathize with their troubles. It's comforting to know that people want to feel for you. That they try so hard to understand what you're experiencing and feeling. But in reality we can't know or fully feel what they are. 

Everyone has THEIR hard thing. The things that come up that you look at and think to yourself "I couldn't do it.", "This couldn't have happened to anyone stronger.", or "My life is great. Why do bad things have to happen to them? Why haven't they happened to me?".  We're just different. For example, infertility is something that is hard for us but we're doing it. Others probably couldn't do it but I probably couldn't do their hard thing. Does that make sense? 

God knows each of us. He knows what we can and can't do. And that's why I believe my hard thing is going to be different than your hard thing. And if you think about it we've each done something hard but now that its over we're okay and we don't think of it as a hard thing, more so just something we did. But others hear about or look at that hard thing that you've done and think "Holy crap. No way could I have ever survived that." And chances are they're probably right...thats why it was your hard thing....and not theirs. 

Sadly, Derek having cancer is Jay and Kara's hard thing and as much I wish it wasn't it doesn't change the fact that it is. But I'm grateful to know that God knows them. That He is with them. And that if God honestly believed that they couldn't do this, that they couldn't come out even better than they already are when all is said and done, that He wouldn't allow it to happen. 

The Fugal's are strong. They can do this. Please continue to pray for them. Pray for strength, courage, and direction.