Shared Heartache

I have a dear friend, Lauren. I love her. We've experienced things together that I can't ever fully explain. We've seen miracles happen. We've laughed together. We've cried. We've felt anger. And we've experienced joy together. Unfortunately, we've felt the heartache of the unknown together. 

Lauren and I got married just 2 weeks apart and we both started to grow our families around the same time as well. Sadly, we both struggled during that time. I struggled with infertility and she with multiple miscarriages. We both felt such sadness and confusion. We both wondered why our bodies weren't doing what we believed they were suppose to. It's not something I wish we shared in common but I have found comfort in having a dear friend understand a piece of my heartache. Lauren was never diagnosed with infertility but she does know the pain of the disappointment that comes when you're unable to have a baby. I love and admire her as a woman. And I'm grateful for her example of taking control of her situation and making the choices she knew she needed to get baby Linden here. Another reason I love and respect Lauren is because she recognizes the gift she's been given. After much loss she has had a successful pregnancy and because of the road she's walked she's grown in her gratitude and appreciation of being a mother. Below is her story. 

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Josh and I got married on March 13, 2010, just a few short months after our courtship and engagement (5 months total...). We knew we had been blessed to be in the right place at the right time, but that's a story for another time. After we were married about 3 months, we felt like it would be good to start our family. We got pregnant after about 6 months of trying. We were eager to go to our first appointment at 10 weeks. We waited for what seemed like an eternity before our names were called to go meet our doctor. I peed in my cup and waited in the room for the doctor to come in and do our first ultrasound. We weren't familiar with what should be on an ultrasound screen, so we just waited to hear from the doctor. She asked, "Are you sure about the date of your last period?" I calmly responded, "Yep, pretty sure," and she was just quiet a few more moments. After she continued looking around she stopped and told us that she was 90% positive that I had had a miscarriage. Um, what?? She then showed us on the screen this little circle that was called a yolk sac. We had conceived and the egg had implanted into my uterine lining, but then the growth stopped. There was never even a heart beat. I remember being very calm and kind of confused. I held my composure as we went to the car, reviewing the instructions the doctor gave me about taking these pills to discharge the sac and placenta, etc, not knowing what to think. As Josh and I walked to the car, that's when the tears hit. What had happened?! 

That night was horrible. I took those pills and basically had a mini-labor, except without any type of pain medication because I threw it all up. Finally everything worked itself out and the healing process began. I felt comforted and knew that the next time around things would be different. We were told to wait 2 cycles before trying again. We obeyed, but it was taking us longer than we expected to get pregnant again. I went in for some testing to see if things were ok. As far as the ultrasounds of my ovaries and uterus went, I was fine. The only thing that was found was a tiny fibroid (a malignant tumor) that was about 3 cm big. The doctor told me that was absolutely nothing to be concerned with, so I wasn't. We got pregnant again 6 months after the first miscarriage. 

I called and asked if I would be able to get an early ultrasound to calm my fears and worries about the baby. We went in around 6 weeks and were blessed to see and hear a tiny heartbeat! It was amazing and we were sure that things would be great. I was nauseous and feeling pretty gross, which I was told was a good sign. We went in for our first "official" appointment at 10 weeks again. The Dr. did her routine check and again we were looking at an ultrasound. We saw that tiny little baby and could see a heart beat. The Dr. said that the baby was measuring a week smaller than my dates were, but that it wasn't unusual due to ovulation times, etc. We were again comforted and felt that all was well. 

We decided to be part of a study that was for first time moms, I can't remember the name. The day before the first appointment, (October 27th, my 25th birthday) I was at work and started bleeding. I knew it was a bad sign. I called the doctor and asked about bleeding and what I should do. The nurse I spoke with told me bleeding was not a good sign and she scheduled me an ultrasound at the outpatient building that afternoon. I already knew we would not be receiving good news. We waited FOREVER with me having the most full bladder I've ever had and we finally were called back. The technician did the ultrasound, and by now, we knew what to look for. There wasn't a heartbeat. All the technician said was "Sorry." I fell apart, crying and truly asking, "Why was this happening again?!" I didn't understand. We had to go back to the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse, not even my doctor (I never heard from her one time throughout my second miscarriage), to get the pills to discharge everything again. It didn't matter, my body had finally registered that something was wrong and was discharging things on it's own. 

The second miscarriage was must more difficult. Emotionally, physically, it was just exhausting. I was scared and sad and felt like I would never be able to carry a baby full-term. I couldn't stop thinking, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY??" I had had enough with that doctor and didn't feel like she even cared about me as a patient, much less as a person, so I was in the market for a new OBGYN. I was referred to Doctor Robert Later. My life was changed.

Around Christmastime my family came to visit from Texas. I was so glad, I had endured 2 miscarriages without my mama and needed her. When the time came for them to leave, I was so sad. I hugged my dad and he reassured me that things would be ok, definitely referring to me having a baby. I started to cry as this had been about 2 months after my last miscarriage. My dad offered to give me a blessing. I accepted. I know that I was healed and I got pregnant RIGHT away! I felt emotionally better and whole again. The first day of that last period was December 28th, 2011. A day that I will never forget. 

I made an appointment with my new doctor. I had some light bleeding at about 6 weeks and of course prepared for the worst. I called and the nurse said it could just be implantation bleeding, but that if I wanted, I could come in for an early appointment. I opted out, trying to have the hope that things would be ok. I made it to my 10 week appointment. I waited in the waiting room for about 4 minutes, which was AMAZING and was ushered into my Doctor's personal office. I was already so impressed with this place. Dr. Later then proceeded to ask me about my health history and asked about my miscarriages. I could tell he cared and that he was 100% on Team Lauren and Josh and Baby DeVard. He told me that, more often than not, miscarriages are coincidental, but that there is sometimes clotting in the uterine lining and that's when the placenta detaches and your body discharges the pregnancy. So--he prescribed me or ordered me to get baby aspirin (low dose aspirin) to take every day of my pregnancy. I LOVED that we met and he was already helping me. Josh arrived to the appointment after work and we then moved rooms for the ultrasound. The nurse was so nice and we were able to see our tiny little peanut. Healthy heart beat and the sizing was right on track. Dr. Later told me he wanted to see me in 2 weeks, as opposed to the usual 4, just to make sure things were looking right. I LOVED him for that. 

After I hit the 20 week mark, I was finally comforted and felt that things would truly be ok this time. I started to show and eventually felt the little kicks and bubbles of our baby. We found out it would be a girl and were beyond excited. On September 29, 2012, Linden entered our lives. She was a miracle to us and continues to be every day. I went in for my 6 week follow-up appointment and Dr. Later told me that I had a tipped uterus. He said that back in the day, if you had a tipped uterus, you wouldn't be able to have a viable pregnancy. Sure proved them wrong. 

As I sit here, typing our story, I feel so grateful for our miracle and hope and pray that those of you reading this that are struggling with infertility. I can't tell you that you'll get pregnant tomorrow, if ever, but I can tell you (and I know this is cliche' and something that you get sick of hearing) that God knows all. We all have our trials, but he sees the bigger picture and we CAN trust and have faith and hope in that. Something that I've promised myself and want to promise all of you is that I will NEVER publicly complain about my child. I know how painful that can be when you see those that have been blessed with children, curse or complain about them. I pray for you and I hope that through miracles of God and modern medicine that you'll be blessed with your own miracle of a child, whether they be your flesh and blood or someone else's.

-Lauren