My mom came to the Infertility Awareness Week a couple weeks ago (which I still haven't written about....ugh!) and because Dr. Conway was there speaking my mom was able to meet her. My mom is a bit involved in my life so I think it was a relief for her to hear my actual doctor talk about infertility and even answer questions my mom had about our case specifically. I think it made it more real for my mom. Not that my mom didn't believe us or anything but having the words come out of a doctor's mouth is a little bit more of a reality than your daughter trying to explain things with degree deemed upon her via Grey's Anatomy.... One thing my mom asked that hit me hard and really made to start to think about how this is effecting her is "Do you know if PCOS is a genetic thing? Did she get this from me?" It made me start to wonder if my mom was feeling like this was her fault and if it she be something I worry about for when I have babies. Unfortunately, there's no explanation as to why PCOS happens and who it happens to. Which I'm almost grateful for. I would hate to have to worry about passing it on to my baby girls and I would die if my mom ever had to feel like our infertility was her fault. (By the way if you don't know my mother she is AMAZING. We adore her and she would do anything for her babies. I can't wait until she's a grandma!)
After that night I started thinking about how things may be effecting our other family members. Amanda, my sister-in-law, came to mind first and I asked her she would share her thoughts about our infertility. How it was effecting her and her family. Matt and Amanda are very close and we've become best friends since I married her brother. We adore her little babies and I will tell you right now that I have THE cutest niece and nephew. I appreciate her willingness to share her experience and what she thinks about the whole lack of cousins issue....While infertility has the biggest impact on the couple experiencing it, it doesn't mean that others aren't effected.
When my brother called me to tell me about their struggle
with infertility I went through a few different emotions. I will list them and
explain them below. No judging!
Relief: I was so
relieved that they finally told us. I had assumed for a while that this was one
of their struggles since I knew they weren’t stopping a baby from coming. I had
already been praying and fasting for them and finally I could show them the
support I wanted to show without being rudely in their business. I was relieved
that I could ask questions now. Not because I wanted to be nosey and be in
their business (like when I blog stalk people sometimes) but because I really
care about them and love them and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Disappointment:
When we visited for Christmas I had seen some shots in their bathroom that I
accurately assumed were infertility treatments. When he first called I thought
it was good news that a baby was coming to their family. I was disappointed
first for them, of course, because I know they are wonderful and will be the
best parents, but I was also disappointed for me as selfish as that is. I want
nieces and nephews to spoil! Specifically from them since they are my favorite
of the marrieds ;) I also was hoping that their kids would be close in age to
my oldest (almost 3) because he adores Uncle Matt Matt and Aunt Mar Mar. I was
hoping it would be a way to keep us connected. See, like I said, selfish, but at
least I thought of them first, right?
Guilt: Let’s face
it. My trial is not infertility and it makes me sad that someone, anyone has to
go through that. Let alone my own brother and sister-in-law. I feel guilty
because I am 23 and have 2 kids close together and will probably have more
children soon. My husband and I plan to have a lot and it makes me feel guilty
that we can. I think I wasn’t given that trial because I couldn’t have handled
it. I don’t even pretend to understand how it feels. It took us 7 months to get
pregnant with our second and that was only because I was breastfeeding. I got
pregnant 2 weeks after I stopped nursing. I almost went crazy for about 4 of
those months. That is not right. How many years have people struggled to have
kids? How many years has my own family? And I was worried about a few months. I
had this guilt before I even knew about Matthew and Marissa because of some
friends I have who struggle with this same trial. And I feel guilty whenever my
kids drive me crazy. I can honestly say I have never once been one of those
moms who wish they could just stop being a mother for a day. I have heard that
before and have been shocked. I can see their viewpoint, but I have never felt
that way. Ever. I am grateful for my children, but it does get crazy sometimes
and I feel guilty, because if these children had gone to Matthew and Marissa
instead would they have had better parents? My 2 year old is Matt’s biggest
fan. Really. How much happier could they have been?
Sadness: Who
isn’t sad when they hear that someone they love can’t have kids? For crying out
loud, I cry reading random strangers’ blogs about it, but put my family’s name
in there and it makes me sorrowful. I don’t feel sorry for them. It may seem
like that, but deep down I don’t. My deep down gut feeling is that this is a
wonderful trial for them. I’m not going through it so I doubt I would feel that
way if it was me. But I can see how it can really bring them closer to God. I
already saw that in Marissa’s blog. When I found out about it I sat down and
read it straight through. I could see the changes in their lives already just
through her words. But I still feel sad. I know I would be sad, so I feel sad
for them. I don’t always know what to say, but I know how to feel in order to
have the most empathy I can for someone who isn’t experiencing that trial.
Awkward: Ok. I’m
not going to lie. This is something I have felt. Not because I look at them
differently or because it’s a “taboo topic”. I don’t think those things at all,
but because I don’t always know what to say and I don’t know if I will
accidently hurt their feelings or say something dumb on a particularly hard day
for them. I hope they would tell me to stop being dumb if I did do that, but
what if they think I don’t sincerely care? I really do and it’s hard to know if
I am handling it in the ways that they need.
Hopeful: I know
they can have sweet babies. In my mind it’s not a matter of if, but a matter of
when. I don’t know if it’s the will of God that they do. But I do know that He
can make it possible that they do. I know that many people don’t have children
at all, even through adoption, but in my mind, I think it is His will. I have
faith that it is. I have hope that it is. It may not be my trial, but I want to
shoulder some of their burden even if it’s just by praying for them and
thinking about them. One thing I have come to learn over the years is the power
of hope. Hope is powerful, beautiful, and strong. And I have hope for them and
I can’t wait for my nieces and nephews to get here!
Love: My love has
increased for them. I love that they are so strong. I love that they are
willing to help so many other people even through a very difficult trial. I
love that they trusted us with this information and that they have not resented
us for having children. Our children are
left to them in our will if something should happen to us. If I trust them that
much, then I know they will be the best parents. I love that this will happen
one day and I pray that that “one day” is very soon. They truly deserve it.
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