I finally pushed the "Send" button

AHHHHHH!!! Now people know. Can't take it back. Can't change our minds. 

I wrote the email to send to our close family and friends last week when we first heard back from PPP. I've read it over and over and over again. Multiple times a day. I did my best to listen to the Spirit to find that balance between too much information and not enough information. Plus I have no idea what people want to know and not know. 

What if people don't understand? What if they are weirded out or uncomfortable around us? That would be the worst. I don't want things to be different and I don't want anyone to feel bad for us. It may not make sense for me to say that but everyone has their hard things and this is ours so in my mind there isn't any reason for things to change. That's a thought for another day I suppose. 

Either way I've pressed "Send" and it's out there. I'm already feeling awkward. Tomorrow is going to be a real treat. I get weird when I'm talking to people anyway so this is going to be a real comedy. 

Wish me luck. 

The ball is rollin!

I just sent in our picture and bio to Pound the Pavement for Parenthood. I'm still on cloud 9 about this and so excited about moving forward! Things are starting to feel more and more real. It's nice to have something to work towards.
This is the picture we're using...

It's my favorite picture of us so I use it for everything. Our dear friend Kara Fugal took it for us when we were engaged. I LOVE it! 

And this is our bio....Enjoy!

Matt and I have been trying to start our family since May 2010. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was about 16. I took birth control pills off and on to help regulate the symptoms of PCOS but until we were actively trying to conceive there was no way to know how everything would play out. 

In May 2012, after 2 years of own efforts and hoping "the stars would align" we began Clomid. My body still didn't respond after 3 cycles at the highest dosage and we made the decision to see a specialist at the Utah Fertility Center. From there we began a cycle of Fermara which I didn't respond to either. In anticipation of finding something that would kick things into gear we tried Fermara again at the highest dosage in combination with FSH shots. I finally responded in November 2012 but although the treatment was successful it did not result in pregnancy. 

Confident that I would respond again we began the treatment a second time. Sadly, my body was slow to respond and it resulted in a month of daily shots and a pill cocktail. Confident that my follicles had developed to the necessary degree we went to our appointment on December 20, 2012 only to find out that my follicles had disappeared with no explanation. Our hearts were heavy and our hope had diminished. That day in consultation with our doctor it was decided that the next step would be to move forward with IVF. 

After that appointment we decided to take a break to regroup and prepare for our future physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. During that time we've continued to grow in our love for one another and our faith in the Lord. Our hearts are full of hope and we're officially back on the baby makin' band wagon!

We're excited to see what the future brings and are so grateful for programs like Pound the Pavement for Parenthood that are so willing to help miracles happen in others' lives. Special thanks to the board of Pound the Pavement for Parenthood and the many others supporting us in our quest to have children! For more information please feel free to follow our blog atwww.projectmanatee.blogspot.com. 

Freaking out.

Now I'm freaking out. So excited about our race with PPP but I'm freaking out now. Why? Because we've got to go public and we've got to do it fast. PPP is waiting to announce who they've selected for the race in July until we've had a chance to tell those we need to about our infertility. 

I'm okay to tell people and I'm okay to talk about it. But it's a little strange and difficult finding a way to start the conversation. And I feel bad for those we have to tell. No one knows what to say to that. 

For example, we started by telling our parents. I called my Dad....

Me: "Hey Dad, are you busy?" 

Dad: "No. What do you need?"

Me: "Well...I need to talk to you about something."

Dad: "You're pregnant!"

Me: "Ummmmm...no. Its quite the opposite actually." 

Dad: "You can't get pregnant?" 

BINGO. And then the conversation continued and it was fine. He encouraged me to have faith and continue praying for children and that he would pray for me to. But, still...it's just a strange thing to have to talk about. 

And now we have to tell the masses. How do you suppose I do that? Email? Facebook? Mass text? Say, "Hey everybody check out this link." and send them back here to the blog? I don't know what to do! And to top that off we need to fundraise more money than just what we could get from the race so how do you do that? And when do you do that? I already have a hard time asking for help. I'm much too prideful. If anything throughout this whole process I've learned the importance of humility. Infertility has been an incredibly humbling experience and the love and support we've already experienced is overwhelming. We truly have been blessed by the love of so many. But to ask people for even their spare change is going to be a trial. I almost think I would be more comfortable standing on the corner outside of a McDonalds with a sign that says "Put a baby in my blessing! Anything will help." But now reading that it could definitely go any sorts of directions. You get what I mean though. 

JULY 13!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark your calendar folks! July 13 we're doing a 5K and you're all invited!!!

We were selected by Pound the Pavement for Parenthood to be 1 of the 5 couples they're sponsoring this year.

We are so overwhelmed with gratitude and humility. What a blessing it is to have this opportunity! It's going to be a lot of hard work and we're going to need a lot help from those around us but I couldn't be more thrilled.

Special thank you to the women of Pound the Pavement! Thank you for having faith in us. Thank you for listening to our story. Thank you for giving us this opportunity to grow our family. Thank you for letting us take part in something much greater than just us. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

I'm so awkward.

Well we had our interview tonight. Matt says it went well. I say that I'm an awkward weirdo. You always think of what you should have said after the fact! I'm pretty sure I just rambled on and on about who knows what giving too much information about things people don't want to know. I was so nervous. UGH! Hopefully the kindness of others with their thoughts and prayers will be reciprocated with a miracle to counteract my awful impression.

Regardless of whether or not we're selected it was such a blessing to even be thought of and consider for this generous opportunity. To hear Jill and Shelly's stories was the perfect way to begin our journey again. It was so great to talk to other women who have experienced what we're going through and to be lifted by their faith and encouragement. And their examples make me speechless. Things have not gone the way they hoped in their pursuit of children but they continue to support and help others. They've experienced great and mighty miracles in their lives and I have no doubt it is because of their efforts to help others. 

Pound the Pavement is making their final decisions on Wednesday and we'll know by then if we were picked as a sponsored couple. 

Fingers are crossed and hopes are high!

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood-We got an interview!

Back in the day when we first begin seeking medical assistant to have a baby I started researching infertility, treatments, cost, etc. To say I went on a Google binge is an understatement. Well like most people who go crazy researching medical avenues I became overwhelmed with the potential expenses that we could face. Thousands and thousands of dollars! Because I dove into understanding our insurance policy and potential secondary insurance policies I knew that our insurance coverage wasn't going to be helpful in any direction we went. From there I started a quest to find organizations that help with the cost of fertility treatments. There are a few out there but not many. I'm not surprised really. Fertility is such a personal and sacred thing that comes with some much emotion that people do not talk about it yet alone have medical assistance programs. That's a rant for another day...anyways that's when I started think about how our trial of infertility may be for a bigger purpose outside of us. I started thinking of ways that we could raise the money we need but something that could help others as well. The organizations I had found I didn't connect with. I'm not sure why but it didn't jive. I knew of an elder that served in Matt's hometown that struggled with infertility and I started following his wife's blog. She shared her experience and they now have beautiful twin boys that came to them through the means of IVF. They couldn't afford it either but were blessed to participate in a small, local organization called Pound the Pavement for Parenthood (PPP). PPP plans and hosts 5K races where they sponsor couples trying to pay for fertility treatments. All the money from registration fees they give to the couples that are sponsored. It's an amazing program and as soon as I read about it I knew I had to get involved. At the time we weren't even sure we need help funding our treatments because we were in just the beginning stages. We just got involved because of how drawn to it we were and we wanted to help others in any way we could. We helped with publicity, donating items to a silent auction, and making signs for the day. Nothing huge and we didn't think much of it. Well, here we are over 6 months later and PPP opened their application for sponsorship. Because we know we'll need to do IVF to put a baby in my belly we decided to submit an application just to see. We might as well do everything we can right? We put it in hoping for the best but not expecting much. However, we received the better! We were selected for an interview! Our interview is tomorrow and we're so excited! 1) I'm excited to spend time with these wonderful women that have done so much for others and hear their stories. 

2) We having an interview!!!! That puts us so much closer to our dream than we ever imagined!

3 months have passed

It's been 3 months since we received that heartbreaking news our last fertility treatment didn't work. As I look back on that prayerful decision we made to take a break for a bit my heart is full. I thought it was going to be hard to do nothing for 3 months. At the beginning of  those first 2 years before we started treatments I always had an itch to have a baby but it was always "It'll come. It'll come. Just be patient. For some people it takes time for it to happen." Towards the end of the second year I was dying. It consumed everything about me. My thoughts. My actions. For heavens sake I was no where close to having a baby but I would walk the baby isles at the store looking around like I had something to buy. I would even put off taking a pregnancy test because I knew I wasn't pregnant but the thought that I could be was better than knowing for sure I wasn't. Denial. It was straight up denial. I was like the lady on Glee. You know the one at the very beginning of the series before it went super trashy. The only thing I was missing was a fake pregnant belly to strap on each day. Maybe I wasn't that bad but it was still hard. I thought these last 3 months were going to be like that and in a way I was dreading it. I'd rather be doing something to achieve our goal rather than sit around and hope for it to happen. None the less we felt strongly we should and it has been wonderful blessing.
The last 3 months have flown by and have been filled with peace. Don't get me wrong EVERYDAY we think about and pray for the children we will have one day. But we've grown over these 3 months in ways we wouldn't have otherwise. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are stronger and better. We needed to take a step back and focus on us again. Regardless of whether or not we have children here on earth Matt and I are a family. Just because we do not have children does not mean we are not a family.
Because we consciously took that time away from our infertility it made that time easier but we decided that come our anniversary in April we would begin again. So needless to say I've got the baby itch again. We're ready to start pursuing the avenues we need to grow our family. We're excited, full of hope, and full of faith.