No one mourns the wicked

My birthday is coming up and my dear father and mother in law bought us tickets to my FAVORITE broadway show...WICKED. I LOVE IT!! Obsessed really. I could watch it and listen to the music over and over. I've seen it multiple times however the hubs never has. I was especially excited for this night out to share something I love with him.

Sadly...I had an episode that deterred from the excitement. The added hormones courtesy of the Clomid I've been taking have made me CRAAAAZY. Husband said something early in the afternoon that "hurt" my feelings and then when I was just getting over that he literally turned the wrong direction and I went bonkers. I have never been so upset/enraged/mad/sad in my life. And the worst part I KNEW that it was completely irrational and ridiculous but I could not do a thing about it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't do anything. So I ran into the bedroom and cried my eyes out. Husband is so good to me and waited until I was ready to talk about it. We then proceeded to have some mini arguments because again my ability to make what I was feeling logical in any way was not possible.  So I cried some more and finally, amongst the sobs and tears, I was honest with myself and then with husband.
I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That I was terrified that if I couldn't handle what this medicine was doing to me then how could I ever do what may come next? I told him how I was afraid that this was my sacrifice and that I couldn't give anymore so God wouldn't be able to bless us.

I was finally honest with my fear...That I wouldn't be able to do any of it. That this was the end.

Then I told him that I couldn't take Clomid anymore. That I did everything that I could do with this medicine and that I would try anything else but no more Clomid. I told him about how I wanted a baby more than anything and that I did all I could up to this point but I couldn't take Clomid again. I was sobbing by this point. Sobbing because I had been fighting this feeling in hopes that I was just being a wuss and that I could muster up the strength to believe I could take the medicine again if I needed to. Sobbing because I was finally able to say out loud what I had been thinking and feeling. Once I said it out loud it became real. I felt like I was failure but at the same time I felt so much better. And husband already knew that we needed to stop. He didn't need me to tell him.

We both felt the confirmation of the Spirit in our decision and I felt more relief than I had in months. We've been praying for the direction of God in our efforts to have a baby and we believe that this has been an answer to our prayers. We decided that we won't be pursuing anything that involves Clomid. And I tell you what, I will not miss it.

To cut the story short husband wiped my tears, gave me a pep talk, and we got ready to go. We made it to our seats 2 minutes before the curtain opened and enjoyed the delightful entertainment of the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch. The hubs loved it. He is beginning to enjoy the goodness of the theater.

Time with others seems to heal

Tonight we were able to spend some time with our close friends and their small families. We have a group of friends that get together ever month to do something. It's so great and we love when we are all able to hang out. The other two couples we hang out with both have two little ones all under four. They are adorable and we absolutely love them.
We're so blessed to have such amazing friends who are so supportive of our situation. Not that they wouldn't be or have done anything rude or insensitive in the past it's just a huge relief to have people in your life that may not understand fully what you're experiencing but are so loving and considerate. They don't get awkward when we talk about it, they don't avoid topics like pregnancy or their plans to have another baby. It's just so nice that they treat us like we're normal. Life isn't on hold because we're infertile. Life is just taking a different route. We'll get there when it's time to get there.
We especially appreciate that they trust us with their children. Sometimes I can't help but have thoughts and feelings about God not being able to trust me with His children and thats why we're infertile. It doesn't make logical sense but they are real feelings and emotions. But, to know that your close friends and family would trust you with their little ones helps heal the heartache you feel knowing you may not have your know. It helps push away those thoughts and feelings that eat away at you. Those negative feelings that would consume you if you let them.
We love spending time with our friends and their kids. Their sweet little spirits are so uplifting. They give us hope. For some people its really hard to be around  the people they're close to and their babies but for us its such a blessing. We love their energy, their curiosity, their creativity. In fact one of the two year olds was sitting in my lap drawing on a piece of paper and my heart melted. He was so proud of himself.
It makes me so excited for my own family. We're so grateful for the friends we have been blessed with. They truly are a God send.

Since we last spoke

So, it's been awhile since I posted last and a lot has happened since. Last week I finished my third round of Clomid. The doc doubled the dose and requested a blood text Day 21 of my cycle to see if I ovulated assuming that I don't get pregnant this time around. I'm hoping for NO blood work. At least not to check my ovulation.
With this last round of Clomid my body's reaction to the horomones has been pretty intense. I'm super irritable. Poor husband could smile at me and somehow he's done something wrong and I'm angry. I can't control it either. That's whats most frustrating. I know I'm being completely irrational but I'm mad and thats all that seems to matter.
Along with the mood swings I'm having some serious hot flashes. Again, I can be perfectly fine one second and the next its like a fire started next me and I can't get away from the heat. It's miserable. It happens the most in the afternoon and in the evening...when I'm trying to go to bed. Sleeping is the pits. I hate the heat anyway but throw in the hot flash and I swear I could kill. It definitely doesn't help the irritability thing I got going on.
I'm trying to be hopeful that this time around I ovulate and we get pregnant. I don't think I can handle another round of Clomid. It's hard. I don't like who I am when I'm on it. And it's even more frustrating when nothing comes of the craziness.

I'm spent.

So two days ago I thought I was doing really well at this being patient thing...

Well, that's over. I'm sick of being patient.

Face challenges with courage

I spend a portion of my Sundays paroozing the internet reading the blogs of friends. Today I stumbled upon a short little post that simply had a link to this article. My favorite part was this..

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."

I've been focusing on my attitude lately and striving to push through heartache and the moments where I want to punch someone in the face or just cry because I feel bad for my self. Honestly, I can say I'm doing pretty good. I'm starting to wonder if the Clomid I've been taking makes me more sensitive than I thought. I'm trying to stay busy and involved in church, work, and hopefully some organizations that try to provide support to those that are struggling with infertility. I've found if I can be focused on others I don't have time to focus on myself and our hardship.

We're going to keep moving forward and have courage.

There's always someone in the same boat

Last night I was able to get together with some old friends. Mind you these ladies are some of the GREATEST people in the world. I love them. We've known each other since we were young and every year we get together for dinner and hours of catching up. We pick up right where we left off. We talk, we laugh, sometimes we cry. They're those people you'll always love even if you aren't able to see them often.

This year has been rocky for each of us. All in different ways, for the most part that is.

As we were catching up I noticed that one friend was wearing a necklace similar to one my husband recently bought me. When the others in our company went to the bathroom I asked her what was going on. She told me about how they've been trying to have another baby for about a year and half, she's done Clomid, had 2 failed IUI's, is getting ready to try IUI 2 more times, and if that doesn't work they'll do IVF. If IVF fails then they are done. I'm not sure if they'll look into adoption or not...people only go to the bathroom for so long...so our conversation was cut short.

I don't blame her for not bringing anything up when we were all talking. For heaven sakes I didn't say anything either. When harassed about not having babies yet I gave my standard.."One day...one day..." or "Hahaha! We'll see ladies!" or "When the time is right we'll have a little one." type of responses. I'm such a wuss. I know it's bad to assume people don't understand but most of the time they don't. They just feel bad for you. Or tell you "When it's time it'll happen." or "Don't worry everything will work out.". I don't want to hear that stuff. I know they just try to be nice and offer compassion but I already know those things. I don't want anyone feeling bad for me. Support? Yes. Sympathy? No. Don't ask me the difference either. I don't know how to explain it.

Anyways, bad things happen to people. Out of 4 friends 2 are infertile, 1 had to deliver her dead baby, and the other has to haul her 2 babies under 2 across the country multiple times a year. Life is hard. That's just how it goes. But nonetheless my heart hurts for each of them. In different ways.

In the words of dead baby friend, "We're all stronger than we think. When the hard things come we get through it. You never know how much you can handle until you're doing it."

To my infertile friend, I love you and you're in our prayers. We know what you're family is experiencing and it's hard.

PS-The other 2 friends in my prayers too...

Never give up

A friend created this and posted it on Facebook. So I stole it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it. It's how I feel about our babies. You know? The ones that don't exist quite yet....

It's easy to give up. It's easy to quit. But you have to keep going. You have to choose to push through. I don't go a day without thinking about the babies that haven't come to us yet. I haven't had any visions or dreams about what my babies look like or that I've held them. I've never even had an experience where I could feel them with me. You always here about stories like that but I haven't had one of those.

What I do know is that I want to be a mother. I believe that God will this happen. So, I can't give up.

Not quite sure what is happening

Yesterday I think I started my period. I say I think because it was just some heavy spotting that I didn't think anything of until it happened again today..twice. My last period started on July 18 and ended on the 25th. Which means this one is super early and didn't even give my body a chance to ovulate after taking Clomid this round.
I wish this wasn't frustrating and I hope that this is just random spotting. What makes it even more frustrating is that my temperature jumped yesterday and stayed consistent today, which usually hints at ovulation. But if I'm starting my period that means...no chance.
I called the doctor and left a voicemail so I should hear back tomorrow and I'm not sure what will happen. If I am in fact starting my period then that means I will need to start Clomid again tomorrow. A lot of people struggle with taking Clomid because its such a hormone charge that they are irritable, emotional, fatigued, etc. and they don't like who they are when they're on it. I have been a little irritable and emotional but not so overwhelming that I want to stop taking it. If anything I just want to see something happen. It's not likely that'll I will get pregnant after 4-5 times of taking it so we'll see what happens if we get to that point.
What I am grateful for is a husband that is beyond supportive. He's in sync with me and sensitive to what I'm experiencing. If he was anything else I don't think I could handle it. Grateful that he knows when I'm crazy it's not a permanent thing.

It was a good attempt

My Mom and I went downtown tonight to try and get tickets to show that wasn't even playing tonight! Take this tip- Before you travel across town to see a show, check the listings to make sure its playing that night. 

Regardless, it was nice to spend time with my Mom talking and catching up on life. We don't spend much time together and don't talk nearly as often as we should. Its amazing how life gets so busy that time passes faster than you realize. It doesn't help that we live about 40 minutes apart.

My Mom is the only person from my family (and my husband's for that matter..) that knows about our situation. She's so supportive and wants a grand-baby badly. Especially because we plan to move in two years for grad school. I'm grateful it doesn't matter to her if the baby comes to us biologically or through adoption. She just wants us to be able to have a family and have the experiences that she's had. 

She's such a good listener and so encouraging. But not in the over the top kind of way thats completely unrealistic and basically annoying. She's realistic but optimistic. It's easy to talk to her about my concerns, fears, hopes, and experiences. I really appreciate that she doesn't pretend to know whats going on or how all of this works. She asks questions and really strives to understand and become educated. She's a good Mom. I'll go to a show that isn't showing with her any day. 

Getting involved with something bigger than yourself

Lately I haven't been able to shake the thought that this experience of infertility is happening for a reason. I mean, I believe that everything happens for a reason but I guess more so the thought that this is happening so we can help someone else.  I've been searching and looking on the internet to see if I could find organizations or groups that provide not only emotional support for those struggling with infertility but also financial help. There's pretty much nothing. You would think that for something so expensive that there would be some sort of financial support out there. Did you know that insurance covers pretty much NOTHING? We however are incredibly blessed in the sense that our insurance covers 50% of primary infertility, meaning that they will cover 50% of everything up to the first time we get pregnant. The only downer is that 1) they won't cover anything after that-so when we want to have another baby we're on our own and 2) if our first pregnancy results in a miscarriage the insurance will no longer cover anything. A lot people aren't as lucky as we are when it comes to insurance. Most people are on their own and I have no idea how they do it. That takes me back to what I wanted to talk about. After searching and not finding any programs out there I started to think maybe we're having this experience so that we can create and start an organization that can provide the help that  people are needing it? Well the other night I gave up and started reading the blog of the wife of a missionary that served in my husband's hometown. They struggled for a couple years with infertility. They somehow got involved with an organization called Pound the Pavement for Parenthood and were then connected with a doctor that waived any profit he would gain from doing an IVF with them. Amazing right? He's retired and decided that he wanted to serve his own type of mission here and help young couples begin their families. Anyways, PPP sponsors events such as 5K runs to help raise money for families to pay for IVF or adoption, etc. I emailed them asking for more information and because we have no idea what direction all of this is going to take us we haven't applied for PPP to sponsor us by hosting events in our honor but, we really really really want to get involved.

In the scriptures it says, "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."-Mosiah 7:33

And, "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."-Mosiah 2: 17

Now there's no point in recreating an organization out there that already exists but, being able to work with one and provide resources, publicity, and manpower could make such a huge impact. For one thing it would provide others with the support, emotionally and financially, that they need, it may also lead to an opportunity where we could be recipients of such love and sacrifice but mostly, I really feel strongly that if we can lose ourselves in the Lord's work by serving others we will blessed and delivered from our "bondage". I'm not saying that if we go help put on a 5K here and there that God will give us a baby but, I'm saying that if we can take this experience and be of help to others maybe God will ease the burden a bit. Maybe we'll gain a great understanding of the bigger picture or maybe we won't get lost in our self pity as often or maybe (and this I know will happen) we'll be able to be closer to the Spirit and therefore feel God's love for us stronger than before.

I believe that even though we may not be blessed with a baby immediately or faster than perhaps what is planned for us, that we will have the spiritual strength to press forward and endure to the end. And maybe even find a little joy along the way.

A hard night

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with emotion that you literally feel like you might break? Like everything around and inside of you will shatter?

I don't know how to explain the feelings I'm having but, last night was a hard night. The emotions of all of this, the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, stress, frustration, and failure just got to me.

And for a moment I felt like I was going to break.
I wanted to quit.
Be done with it all.
Decide that we just weren't going to have a baby and not move forward.

I was lying in bed next to the husband and all the thoughts and emotions were pressing down me. Almost suffocating me. I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. I started to sob and explain to husband that I didn't think I could do it anymore. That if I felt like this when we had just started that I just couldn't handle what it was going to feel like if we had to get involved in bigger things.

I really was unsure of our decision to persist at expanding our family. Of providing a home to one of God's children. To be a mother and father. I started to think that things would be a whole lot easier if we just said no more and accepted that it would only be us. Just him and I. No babies. No children. No one but the two of us.

Fortunately, I am very blessed and I have an amazing husband. He let me cry and say what I needed to say. He let me explain to him that I didn't think I could do it anymore. And then he did something that I am very grateful for. He put his arms around me, hugged me, looked me in the eyes and said that I could do it. He promised everything would be alright and that no matter what happens he will always stand by me. That he wouldn't let me give up. That we would push through this together and that we would have a family no matter what we needed to do to get there. His eyes are strong and full of faith. I wish I had his faith. I wish I didn't doubt. Sometimes I wonder if he has a heart because he's so confident that we'll be parents. It's almost like a doubt or fear has never crossed his mind. He helps me to believe. He helps me remember who I am and what we can do together. He's going to be an incredible father.