Close...but no cigar.

I had my ultrasound today and I was SOOOO confident that all would be well and we could start treatments today. I've had this box of drugs sitting at our apartment forever and I want to start using them. Look at this stuff! It's ridiculous how much it entails. This is only ONE treatment....

Anyways, I go to my appointment where the doctor stuck that magical ultrasound wand up my stuff and unfortunately, my lining is just not ready. I'm learning more and more as we go along. When you finish your period the lining of your uterus should measure at a 7 or below. 7 what? Yeah...I don't know either. To my disappointment I am measuring at 12. That's what people measure at BEFORE their period. So what I want to know is WHAT THE HECK HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THE LAST 19 DAYS??? I asked Dr. C (that is what she will now be known as PS...) about it and she said that there is a good chance that all those times I was having light periods over the last few months I was actually just having heavy spotting because of the hormones from the Clomid. I hate Clomid. Hence the 19 day period. Apparently things were pretty thick up in there which would explain the appearance of polyps and the concern with abnormal cells. At least we know things aren't pre cancerous AND this ultrasound was free courtesy of Dr. C. I was just there a week ago so I think she was feeling bad for me. I'll take the sympathy. Doctor bills are expensive. 

So what now? Well, I started a regimen of more pills. These ones are going to kick start my body into period mode. I'll take the Provera for the 10 days and then about 5-7 days after that I should start my period AGAIN. Delightful right? I shouldn't really complain. It's a blessing to even have this type of medical assistance to make it possible to have a baby. 

No cancer...whoo!

So, my biopsy results came back today. Dr. Conway called to give me the good news. She said that now that is ruled out we can get going on some treatments. She went on to say that when I start my period again we'll begin with some drugs (she didn't really say it in those words). I told her about how today was the first day that aunt flow hasn't come to visit and it took her back for a second. I think she was a little stunned because 19 days ago is when I had started my period. Because of that she asked if I could come in today or tomorrow for another ultrasound. The ultrasound is to check my uterus to see if it's ready to get doped up and implant a baby! My down with that! Bring on the drugs!! My appointment is tomorrow so we will see how it goes..sending positive vibes into the universe.

My first biopsy

I had my water ultrasound today. It wasn't as bad as the fallopian tube test but I still wouldn't go straight to it being a party. Good news-no polyps. Bad news-there was still some weird growths going on so Dr. Conway did a biopsy of my uterine cells. That was lovely. She scrapped out my insides so everything is smooth now but she's sending those little cells to the lab. She's pretty confident that they aren't cancerous but they could be pre-cancerous. So we'll see what happens..
Oh and I've been on my period for 12 days now. It's super light now so I'm hoping this is the end.

Happy happy birthday

I have the best husband. He always makes things so special. Today is my birthday and I had to spend it away from home. I was gone for work but when I came home I couldn't have been more excited. He decorated with a bunch of printed papers that said "It's your birthday." like in The Office.

He made my favorite cherry chip cake and had presents for me. The most special part of my birthday was this necklace. It's to remind me to have hope in our dream of having kids of our own.

Isn't he the best?? I love him. Love love love him. We spent the evening with some friends watching football. Well, the guys watched football and the ladies played with the little ones and talked for awhile.  It was a simple but wonderful birthday. Here's to my 27th year. How about a year of miracles? I think so. 

Catheters are the pits.

So yesterday I had my fallopian tubes tested. It was painful. I don't know what kind of details I should write down but I want to remember my experiences, all of them. I went in and it started just like the vaginal ultrasound I had the day before but I was in a room with a giant x-ray machine. She put a couple tubes including a catheter into my uterus and then cranked in some dye. I thought I was going to die. I've never felt pain like that. Pinching, cramping, blah! There is good reason why I wasn't blessed with a normal period with cramping and all its glory. I don't think I could handle the pain. But anyways, she put in the dye and then they took x-rays over and over, like every 2 seconds, until the dye emptied out of my fallopian tubes. Don't you worry... the dye flowed right on through. All was well. Kind of. Although my fallopian tubes were open and fine, Dr. Conway noticed that I had some lumps along my uterus that looked concerning. However, she wanted to give me a week or so just in case in it was leftovers for my period which I started on the 9th. My period had been really light so she wasn't concerned to do the fallopian tube test at the time. So, next week I'm going in for a water ultrasound. An ultrasound where she'll put the catheter back in...ugh...fill my uterus with saline. From that ultrasound she'll be able to tell if those clumps are still there and if they are polyps. Polyps are cell deposits that gather. If my uterus does have polyps growing then she'll go in and scrape the inside of my uterus so it's smooth again. So that should be fun...

Our first appointment at Utah Fertility Center

Well...today was the big today. We met with our doctor and are feeling great about how things went. Dr. Conway is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. We met in her office, she reviewed our medical file beforehand so she asked us some questions just to confirm what was in the file and to get to know us better. Then she opened our file and went over it with us. Every test. Every treatment so far. No one has ever gone through our medical file or even say anything beyond, "Yep, it looks good." In fact, each time we had a test we were the ones that had to call for the results. It was so great to go through that file and have her tell us straight up what was going on. For the first time we felt involved and educated about our situation.
After we reviewed our file she said told us that the only thing that we pretty much hadn't done in regards to testing was had my fallopian tubes checked. So, we booked the appointment for next week. The next thing we did was have an ultrasound. It went well...never had a vaginal ultrasound..that was weird. Everything looked alright so after the fallopian tube test we'll know more.
Dr. Conway then walked through our options. She said that Clomid was no longer an option because of our experience and the simple fact that we didn't want to do it anymore. Next option is Fermara, which is a series of pills you take and then add it with some shots, suppositories, and timed intercourse. Fermara forces your body to mature eggs and open follicles. So, if it does work we can try it for a couple months and then if it we don't get pregnant naturally (of course with the help of the Fermara) the next option is IUI (insemination). Next would be Folsom shots which forces me to release my eggs. Dr. Conway recommended that from her standpoint, medically, that we shouldn't go with the shots. She said, "Because you have so many eggs, you'll be on the news but not in a good way." Then after that it is IVF or adoption.
The best thing about all of this is that Dr. Conway is keeping on the same page as her. She wants us to know everything we can about our situation and then make the decision that we feel works best for us. She'll give us her input and perspective but ultimately it is our choice. I'm so grateful we've ended up here. I know we've only had one appointment and last time I felt really good about our doctor but this time is different. It's exactly where we're supposed to be.

A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down

I wish there was some sort of Mary Poppins equation that made all of this easier. Or not happen at all for that matter. But low and behold there is nothing new from what I already know.
We are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I'm growing more grateful that we have such a simple yet strengthening understanding of God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost. I'll be honest we've struggled in our ward (congregation) a bit because people aren't super outgoing. People are always coming and going so everyone is hesitant to get to know/talk to each other. This makes Relief Society (our women's group meeting) a bit hard to go to. But I've been pushing myself to go and have a change of heart/attitude. Because of this week's events I've been down in the dumps and even though I know I should be turning to the Lord I've been avoiding Him. PRIDE. That's all it is. It's stupid but it's the truth. It seems like it would be easier to be mad and just feel bad for myself but, its made it worse. I'm glad I went to Relief Society today because the lesson was on faith. Boy, oh boy, was that humbling. Here I am wallowing in self pity a lot longer than I should be and God goes and touches my heart with His Spirit and lets me know he truly is listening to me. I swear the lesson, however long ago they wrote the manual, was written for me.

Let me tell you about what I learned:

Faith is such a hard thing to grasp/have/comprehend/HAVE/keep. It takes a lot of work. Think about the times your heart is heavy or you feel like it impossible to endure or those moments when you don't feel like God will accept you in His arms. Those are the moments your faith can grow or wither. You have to fight. Faith pushes you to fight. No matter how hard it gets you have to keep doing what you know is right. Righteous behavior leads to a growth in your faith. You can't give up. I can't give up.

"When we become confused, and find ourselves confronted by obstacles we, seemingly, cannot overcome, having faith in the Redeemer of the world, we can go to Him and know that our prayers will be answered for our good."

I added the emphasis on SEEMINGLY because that is important to remember. Things only SEEM impossible to overcome. It's not the reality. With the help of the Savior we can overcome them. I'll be honest throughout this trial I have had moments where I didn't think Christ could help me. But thats not true. He can. He will. I believe.

"The Lord has a way of accomplishing things that we are unable to do, and never asks us to do anything that he does not make the way possible. He will not require anything without preparing the way."

Hard to believe, right? There are some things in this life that we can't believe God asks us to do. But He does. And He does for good reason. We just don't always know what that reason is. We have to believe miracles. I have to believe that God will give me a baby when it is time. And I have to believe that He is asking me to be faithful and endure this trial and do everything that we can because what we gain will be worth every horrible moment.

"If you have something that the Lord asks or expects you to do and you don't know just how to proceed, do your best. Move in the direction that you ought to go; trust the Lord, give him a chance, and he will never fail you.
What a wonderful thing it is to know that we can, if we will, hold our Heavenly Father's hand and be guided by him."

Every time something happens with this whole infertility business I get so nervous and so overwhelmed. I question the decisions we've made, wonder if we are going in the right direction, I ask myself over and over if I'm really listening to the Spirit or if I'm just crazzzzzy. But I will tell you this..if we are living our lives righteously and doing all that we know we can our thoughts become one with the Spirit. We are worthy of the direction of God and there is no reason we should question the way we are moving no matter how crazy, or illogical it seems. We have to trust the Lord and we have to trust ourselves.

PS-You can fine the lesson here....The Strengthening Power of Faith

We're taking a different route...sort of

So after my emotional melt down before husband came home I decided that I didn't feel like my doctor's office (not my doctor-she's great! But unfortunately I have the middle man nurses to go through) was supporting me when I expressed my desire to stop taking Clomid so I asked for the information about the fertility specialist that they would refer me to if I didn't ovulate this next go around.
I took matters into my own hands and contacted them myself. Holy cow! I haven't even been there and I already feel so comfortable with them. I liked my last doctor but the Utah Fertility Center is WONDERFUL! I've only spoken with people on the phone but I already feel supported. They truly are advocating to find the best way to give us what we want...a baby. The nurses spent a good 30 minutes with me on the phone asking me questions, letting me explain what I know I do/don't feel comfortable with, then they explained how their center works and what they feel is important. By the end of the phone call I had a consultation scheduled for this next Wednesday, all the paperwork I would need to have filled out beforehand, directions on how to transfer my medical records, and an idea of how our appointment would go.
They emphasized that they believe fertility isn't only MY or HUSBAND'S problem but that it was OUR struggle and that they ask that both members of the couple be at the appointments and be on the same page throughout the entire process. They told me about how we'll meet with the doctor at the consultation, they'll review our medical records, do an ultrasound, and then layout EVERY possible route we could take to having a baby. How awesome is that?? My last doctor was so supportive and helpful but their office wasn't on the same page. This place as a whole is on the ball. I'm thrilled to know what all our options are upfront. They don't want to waste time nor do they want to do anything that we are not comfortable with. Meaning if we say we aren't comfortable with doing Clomid again, Clomid is no longer an option.
I also took it upon myself to finally call LDS Family Services to learn more about their adoption process. I've researched things on the internet and gotten as far as I could without calling but yesterday I decided to just do it. I got a lot of great information and we have a better understanding of what the adoption process will entail. They hold Adoption Orientation meetings on the first Wednesday of every month so we'll have to wait until October to get even more information. This all works out perfectly though because we can meet with the fertility specialist, get a better idea of what our options are medically and then from there we can attend the Adoption Orientation and then make a decision about where we want to go.
Husband and I talked a lot on Friday about what we wanted to do in regards to moving forward. He's so good to me and helps me come to grips with things in such a supportive way. We decided that we're taking it one step/day at a time. We'll go to our appointment, see what it has to offer, and then take the next day as it comes.
Basically, we're going to just keep moving forward. When I first found out I didn't ovulate I was (and still am a bit) so sad. I thought we had taken a million steps backward when in reality we hadn't. It was just a closed road and now we're taking a detour. We're going to keep asking God for the direction we need and when options come up we're going to make a decision take it to the Lord and if we don't feel like we're being told to stop we're going to move that way.
It's kind of like a crazy car trip where you come to an intersection, say "Left or right?", look both ways and go whichever ones looks nice. Sometimes what looks nice is completely lame and other times you find paradise.

How do you heal a broken heart?

Today I found out that I didn't ovulate again. My heart hurts. I've never been filled with so much sadness and disappointment.

This month the doctor increased my Clomid prescription to 100 mg. The highest level doctors permit is 150 mg but my husband and I made the decision that we couldn't do Clomid anymore. With the way my body and mind were responding to it at 100 mg I can't even imagine what it would be like at 150 mg. At 100 mg I felt so out of control and nothing like myself. I hated who I was, what I was doing, and how I was treating my husband.

The doctor asked that I have a Day 21 Blood Test done to check my progesterone levels and ultimately see if I had ovulated this time around. My blood was taken on Monday, Labor Day, and I hadn't heard anything from anyone since. I decided that I couldn't be patient anymore so I called the doctor, left a message, and waited to be called back. The nurse called as I was walking from my car to my office at work. She simply said, "I'm sorry we haven't called you sooner. Your results showed that you didn't ovulate. The doctor wants to increase your Clomid treatments to 150 mg. If after that you don't ovulate again we will refer you to a fertility specialist."It was so a matter of fact for her. But for me, my world came crashing down. My eyes immediately filled with tears. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't react. My heart broke.

In a diligent effort to keep myself composed and to prevent gasps for air from interrupting our conversation I explained to her that my last experience wasn't something I wanted to relive. I asked if there was anything we could do and she told no. That the way my body reacted would only get worse with an increased dosage.

This made my heartache even worse. I got off the phone, controlled my emotions with everything inside me, walked into my office, shut the door, and cried.

Right before the nurse called I had been texting husband. The following conversation happened:

Husband: I love you! How are you feeling today?
Me: I love you too. I feel okay. My stomach still feels kind of upset but not a normal upset.
Husband: What do you mean?
Me: I don't know. I can't explain it.
Husband: Maybe it's upset because a baby is making it upset.
Me: Wouldn't that be nice!
Husband: Yes ma'm!
Phone rings to bear heart wrenching news.

What timing right? I then sent a text to husband that said "Doctor called. I didn't ovulate." He immediately dropped what he was doing and called. But I couldn't even answer. I was walking to my office and I knew if I heard his voice I would lose it and losing it in front of stranger is one thing but in front of people I know who don't know any of this was something I couldn't do.

Once I could get myself together for more than 30 seconds I went to the bathroom, cleaned the streaks of make up off my face, walked into my boss's office and said I wasn't feeling well. She proceeded to tell me I looked awful and that I should get some rest.

I went home. There I cried. I called my Mom and cried some more. She was so good just to listen. I love that she doesn't pretend to know how I feel but tells me that she loves me.

All day I cried off and on. Husband came straight home after school to be with me. He's been strong throughout this whole thing. Optimistic and faith-filled. But when I had talked to him on the phone earlier I could tell he was a bit disappointed. By the time he got home though he was back to his encouraging and supportive self. He held me and let me cry to him. I told him how mad I was. How confused I was. How my heart was broken over a baby that I didn't even have and one that I now knew I was never even close to carrying. I told him how when we both felt so strongly that we shouldn't take Clomid anymore, my hope, although I tried to bridle it, was up there pretty high. I thought that this was it. We shouldn't be taking Clomid anymore because we wouldn't need to. We would be pregnant. But then when the nurse said, "..you didn't ovulate." I felt like part of me died. I was so frustrated and confused. All of my faith and hope disappeared.

Husband and I talked things out. We're making a new plan. We're going to rebuild our faith and hope. We're starting to put the pieces of my heart back together.