This week is Infertility Awareness Week. No too long ago I probably wouldn't have thought anything about this. If it I saw a post on Facebook or a comment on a blog I probably would have just skimmed onto the next thing not taking a second glance. In fact I do this with causes that others post about. It's not personal to me so I don't pay attention. I need to change that mindset of mine. Even though it may not be something I experience it doesn't make it less important. Anyways, back to what I was saying. Until this year, until I started going through fertility treatments and really started to FEEL the impact of infertility in my life Infertility Awareness Week wouldn't have meant a dang thing to me.
You see, I was warned long ago that I may struggle with infertility but I was also in my teens and in my mind I was invincible, couldn't fathem the thought of having children, and I had bigger things to think about like football games, MSN messenger, and boys. I was ignorant to what the doctor was saying and in those moments I had no idea how much it would effect and matter to me.
As ridiculous as it sounds I'm grateful for my ignorance at that time in my life. I'm grateful I didn't understand what infertility would mean to me however many years later. I'm grateful that I lived in my youthful bliss unknowing of the heartache and pain I'd feel not being able to conceive month after month. I remember the first time the thoughts that I would struggle getting pregnant became real. Matt and I were ready to get married. We were head over heals in love and I had finally caught up to his surity of that whole eternal commitment thing. But (there's always a but isn't there?), I knew that before we could move forward I needed to be absolutely 100% honest and when the subject of our future family came up I had to tell my secret. I remember telling him about PCOS. I told him about all the symptoms and what ones I was already dealing with on a daily basis. And then I told him about the one that I wouldn't know about until it was too late and we couldn't turn back. INFERTILITY. I told him it was a possibility that I would struggle getting pregnant and maybe not be able to bear children at all. I told him that if that unknown about me was a deal breaker I would understand. If he had to walk away I would be okay....eventually. In that moment is where I first began to learn how much Matt King loved me. He didn't need the guarantee of a baby to be sure about us being a family. Infertility didn't change his love for me or my love for him.
That moment was only a taste of the bittersweet experience we would face just a few short years down the road. Even though I was able to share my concern and fear with him before we wed I don't think I really believed that it would come true. That we really wouldn't be able to get pregnant the good old fashioned way like everyone else. Some days I ache for my ignorance and unbelief. Others I am grateful for the strength I've gained. And at times I want to crawl in a hole because I feel utterly alone in our inabilty to make a baby.
That's why I think Infertilty Awareness Week is important. It's an opportunity to reach out to those that feel alone. With infertility being a bit on the "taboo" side of things to talk about it I think during this week its importnat to lift each other, fertile or infertile. Share your thoughts and ask questions. Although the ignorant days sometimes sound nice life is much better on this side. We're infertile and we're moving forward.
Happy Infertility Awareness Week!
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