Today was a bad day.

Today didn't go well. The doctor couldn't see any follicles this time. Last week we had 2 that we're at 10 and 11 but now they're gone. And there is no explanation. I feel so lost and confused right now. So frustrated and angry. I have so many thoughts going around in my mind. 

I look back at the last three weeks and think about the amount of medicine I took...its crazy. I remember at one point it was 8 pills a day plus a shot. It was nuts. In the beginning I was so nervous to mix the shots but after a couple times I got it down easy peasy and was popping those needles in my stomach like it was nothin. We didn't do ovulation tests because with PCOS your hormones are all over the place so you can get false positives. The doctor said if we wanted to do it we could but she was okay either way. We opted out and I don't have any regrets about it. I don't think it would have helped us know if it was happening or not. 

Because I didn't respond in the way we had hoped we're taking a break for a few months. We're going to focus on becoming healthier physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially for a bit. We've taken a big hit in all those areas over the last year and we need to step back a bit. 

I think taking a break will be good for me emotionally too. The last two weeks have been the hardest ones and I just don't know how much more I can handle right now. I need some time to muster up some more hope I suppose. 

Have you ever had a trial where you start to struggle to even pray? Lately I just dread praying with Matt when its my turn to pray. I'm fine on my own for personal prayers but family prayer just about pushes me over the edge. I just start sobbing. My heart aches and pleading to the Lord on our behalf takes a lot out of me. I want to grow our family with Matt. Praying with him is so sacred to me and I think thats why I become so emotional. 

Week 3

We're still going strong on shots! This was week 3 of them. It's beena a LONG and EXEPNSIVE month! I'm just not responding as quickly this time around so it's drawn things out quite a bit. We go in on Thursday to see if my follicles are where they need to be and ready to release those little eggs. If they are we're going to do an IUI. We've waited so long for any type of response that we want to be as aggresive as we can. 
The first week I didn't respond it was really hard. I've never been that upset and emotional over our infertility than I was then. I just didn't understand why I would respond last month and not at all this time. I think in mind we had finally figured something out and we just needed to do it a couple times for us to get pregnant. 
I just sobbed to my doctor and the nurses and asked why it wasn't working. They said that women with PCOS won't ever find the silver bullet. Because our horomones are all over the place all of the time there is never a guarantee. I already knew that but that time I finally understood and things have been a lot better. I've been a lot more patient. So now we're keeping our fingers crossed for Thursday!!

The waiting game.

Well I made it home in time. The day after I got there I emailed my supervisors and told them that for personal reasons that I needed to leave no later than Saturday morning. I apologized and offered to pay for the expenses out of my pocket but that there was no way I could stay at the conference. They were really supportive and offered their sympathies to whatever was going on and to do what I needed. I was grateful for that. With no explanation it would be really easy to not be understanding and persistent in knowing why. It was definitely a tender mercy and I'm thankful for their kindness. 

Saturday morning I took the HCG trigger shot to force the eggs to release from the follicle and then we had to have timed intercourse, meaning you have sex 12 hours and 24 hours after you take the trigger shot. I was home Saturday night. We did our thing and now we wait. 

That all happened last week so we have another week before we know if it worked. I'll go into the doctor to have blood work done to see if I'm pregnant. I bought literally 10 pregnancy tests despite Matt's cautionary requests because I want so badly to see a positive test! I've seen more negative tests than I can count. But, I have to control myself. I'm excited we've made progress! This is the closest we've ever been. At the same time though I'm TERRIFIED of getting too excited and then not being pregnant.

Let the baby making begin!

Unfortunately, I didn't respond to the full dosage of Femara. It was a sad and hard day. My doctor sat us down and we went through our options again. Shots or IVF is what it came down to. She reminded us of the risk of having multiples if we did the shots but that we could do a little experimenting with it if we wanted. We would do the lowest dosage of the shots to see if I respond and increase it slowly until I have two or three follicles mature. Normally, when doctors prescribe the shots they do full dosage and it opens up seven or eight follicles. If you have a lot of healthy eggs thats when you have 3+ babies at once. If you have a low egg count then this is good way to get pregnant because even though you several follicles open they won't necessarily have the eggs to release. Thankfully I have a lot of healthy eggs but it makes this treatment risky. It was a tough decision but we decided to try the shots at a low dosage. It's a little expensive but not nearly as expensive as IVF and we felt good about the decision.

I started shots that day and five days later I went back in. We-us and the doctor- weren't expecting to see any results. Matt and I were just trying to keep our hopes down. It's less disappointing that way. The doctor however thought the dosage was too low to start seeing anything. We were all pleasantly surprised!! I responded and had 3 mature follicles! It seriously was a miracle! My doctor is convinced that I have never had a follicle mature so she was more excited then we were! 

I'll have to take a trigger shot in a couple days that will release my eggs, then the hubs and I do the baby makin' dance and we wait. 

We're really excited about this! However we do have a bit of a problem...I'm flying to Florida tomorrow for work. I'm supposed to take my trigger shot on Saturday. I'm not supposed to get back until Monday. No one at work knows about our infertility. Haven't quite figured that one out yet.....

People treat you differently

So lately I've been having a pity party and I've only invited myself.  I've been struggling with the way the very few people that know about our infertility have been treating me. Maybe I'm just self conscious but I just feel like every time someone wants to know about how things are going that they tip toe around it. I'm totally fine talking about it but I want to be asked directly. I get sheepish/nervous/indirect/awkward "How are you?" or "Are you doing okay?".  It's just weird and makes me feel like something is wrong. I mean there is something wrong but not like that type of wrong. Does that make sense? It's almost like that awkward feeling when someone's relative or close friend dies and you aren't sure how to talk to them. It's just weird.

On top of it all I have a ridiculous fear of telling people about our situation. It could be for a number of reasons but the way people respond is one of the big reasons. People act different. Hardly anyone knows but I have a few close friends that do and each fall into one of the categories from this video clip. We watch How I Met Your Mother religiously and this part hit much too close to home. (PS-She thought she was pregnant but found out she wasn't so now she's "celebrating".)

I have a friend that always wants to go out to eat and pays for it. Or they bring me treats. One asks questions that are a little ahead of where I'm at and I'm never quite sure how to respond without feeling dumb. Another will seriously start crying when I talk about it. Plus, at one point she was literally following me around waiting for the "perfect" moment to ask me about things. I kind of freaked out at her at that point. I couldn't handle it.

I do not want to be treated differently. Yes, the whole situation totally stinks, but that is the life we have right now. I'm okay. Husband is okay. Some days are hard but we're doing just fine. Should I not be fine? Should I be just as worried and concerned as my friends are? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm totally fine talking about it. If you ask directly I will tell what I want to tell you or what I feel comfortable sharing.

Close...but no cigar.

I had my ultrasound today and I was SOOOO confident that all would be well and we could start treatments today. I've had this box of drugs sitting at our apartment forever and I want to start using them. Look at this stuff! It's ridiculous how much it entails. This is only ONE treatment....

Anyways, I go to my appointment where the doctor stuck that magical ultrasound wand up my stuff and unfortunately, my lining is just not ready. I'm learning more and more as we go along. When you finish your period the lining of your uterus should measure at a 7 or below. 7 what? Yeah...I don't know either. To my disappointment I am measuring at 12. That's what people measure at BEFORE their period. So what I want to know is WHAT THE HECK HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THE LAST 19 DAYS??? I asked Dr. C (that is what she will now be known as PS...) about it and she said that there is a good chance that all those times I was having light periods over the last few months I was actually just having heavy spotting because of the hormones from the Clomid. I hate Clomid. Hence the 19 day period. Apparently things were pretty thick up in there which would explain the appearance of polyps and the concern with abnormal cells. At least we know things aren't pre cancerous AND this ultrasound was free courtesy of Dr. C. I was just there a week ago so I think she was feeling bad for me. I'll take the sympathy. Doctor bills are expensive. 

So what now? Well, I started a regimen of more pills. These ones are going to kick start my body into period mode. I'll take the Provera for the 10 days and then about 5-7 days after that I should start my period AGAIN. Delightful right? I shouldn't really complain. It's a blessing to even have this type of medical assistance to make it possible to have a baby. 

No cancer...whoo!

So, my biopsy results came back today. Dr. Conway called to give me the good news. She said that now that is ruled out we can get going on some treatments. She went on to say that when I start my period again we'll begin with some drugs (she didn't really say it in those words). I told her about how today was the first day that aunt flow hasn't come to visit and it took her back for a second. I think she was a little stunned because 19 days ago is when I had started my period. Because of that she asked if I could come in today or tomorrow for another ultrasound. The ultrasound is to check my uterus to see if it's ready to get doped up and implant a baby! My down with that! Bring on the drugs!! My appointment is tomorrow so we will see how it goes..sending positive vibes into the universe.

My first biopsy

I had my water ultrasound today. It wasn't as bad as the fallopian tube test but I still wouldn't go straight to it being a party. Good news-no polyps. Bad news-there was still some weird growths going on so Dr. Conway did a biopsy of my uterine cells. That was lovely. She scrapped out my insides so everything is smooth now but she's sending those little cells to the lab. She's pretty confident that they aren't cancerous but they could be pre-cancerous. So we'll see what happens..
Oh and I've been on my period for 12 days now. It's super light now so I'm hoping this is the end.

Happy happy birthday

I have the best husband. He always makes things so special. Today is my birthday and I had to spend it away from home. I was gone for work but when I came home I couldn't have been more excited. He decorated with a bunch of printed papers that said "It's your birthday." like in The Office.

He made my favorite cherry chip cake and had presents for me. The most special part of my birthday was this necklace. It's to remind me to have hope in our dream of having kids of our own.

Isn't he the best?? I love him. Love love love him. We spent the evening with some friends watching football. Well, the guys watched football and the ladies played with the little ones and talked for awhile.  It was a simple but wonderful birthday. Here's to my 27th year. How about a year of miracles? I think so. 

Catheters are the pits.

So yesterday I had my fallopian tubes tested. It was painful. I don't know what kind of details I should write down but I want to remember my experiences, all of them. I went in and it started just like the vaginal ultrasound I had the day before but I was in a room with a giant x-ray machine. She put a couple tubes including a catheter into my uterus and then cranked in some dye. I thought I was going to die. I've never felt pain like that. Pinching, cramping, blah! There is good reason why I wasn't blessed with a normal period with cramping and all its glory. I don't think I could handle the pain. But anyways, she put in the dye and then they took x-rays over and over, like every 2 seconds, until the dye emptied out of my fallopian tubes. Don't you worry... the dye flowed right on through. All was well. Kind of. Although my fallopian tubes were open and fine, Dr. Conway noticed that I had some lumps along my uterus that looked concerning. However, she wanted to give me a week or so just in case in it was leftovers for my period which I started on the 9th. My period had been really light so she wasn't concerned to do the fallopian tube test at the time. So, next week I'm going in for a water ultrasound. An ultrasound where she'll put the catheter back in...ugh...fill my uterus with saline. From that ultrasound she'll be able to tell if those clumps are still there and if they are polyps. Polyps are cell deposits that gather. If my uterus does have polyps growing then she'll go in and scrape the inside of my uterus so it's smooth again. So that should be fun...

Our first appointment at Utah Fertility Center

Well...today was the big today. We met with our doctor and are feeling great about how things went. Dr. Conway is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. We met in her office, she reviewed our medical file beforehand so she asked us some questions just to confirm what was in the file and to get to know us better. Then she opened our file and went over it with us. Every test. Every treatment so far. No one has ever gone through our medical file or even say anything beyond, "Yep, it looks good." In fact, each time we had a test we were the ones that had to call for the results. It was so great to go through that file and have her tell us straight up what was going on. For the first time we felt involved and educated about our situation.
After we reviewed our file she said told us that the only thing that we pretty much hadn't done in regards to testing was had my fallopian tubes checked. So, we booked the appointment for next week. The next thing we did was have an ultrasound. It went well...never had a vaginal ultrasound..that was weird. Everything looked alright so after the fallopian tube test we'll know more.
Dr. Conway then walked through our options. She said that Clomid was no longer an option because of our experience and the simple fact that we didn't want to do it anymore. Next option is Fermara, which is a series of pills you take and then add it with some shots, suppositories, and timed intercourse. Fermara forces your body to mature eggs and open follicles. So, if it does work we can try it for a couple months and then if it we don't get pregnant naturally (of course with the help of the Fermara) the next option is IUI (insemination). Next would be Folsom shots which forces me to release my eggs. Dr. Conway recommended that from her standpoint, medically, that we shouldn't go with the shots. She said, "Because you have so many eggs, you'll be on the news but not in a good way." Then after that it is IVF or adoption.
The best thing about all of this is that Dr. Conway is keeping on the same page as her. She wants us to know everything we can about our situation and then make the decision that we feel works best for us. She'll give us her input and perspective but ultimately it is our choice. I'm so grateful we've ended up here. I know we've only had one appointment and last time I felt really good about our doctor but this time is different. It's exactly where we're supposed to be.

A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down

I wish there was some sort of Mary Poppins equation that made all of this easier. Or not happen at all for that matter. But low and behold there is nothing new from what I already know.
We are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I'm growing more grateful that we have such a simple yet strengthening understanding of God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost. I'll be honest we've struggled in our ward (congregation) a bit because people aren't super outgoing. People are always coming and going so everyone is hesitant to get to know/talk to each other. This makes Relief Society (our women's group meeting) a bit hard to go to. But I've been pushing myself to go and have a change of heart/attitude. Because of this week's events I've been down in the dumps and even though I know I should be turning to the Lord I've been avoiding Him. PRIDE. That's all it is. It's stupid but it's the truth. It seems like it would be easier to be mad and just feel bad for myself but, its made it worse. I'm glad I went to Relief Society today because the lesson was on faith. Boy, oh boy, was that humbling. Here I am wallowing in self pity a lot longer than I should be and God goes and touches my heart with His Spirit and lets me know he truly is listening to me. I swear the lesson, however long ago they wrote the manual, was written for me.

Let me tell you about what I learned:

Faith is such a hard thing to grasp/have/comprehend/HAVE/keep. It takes a lot of work. Think about the times your heart is heavy or you feel like it impossible to endure or those moments when you don't feel like God will accept you in His arms. Those are the moments your faith can grow or wither. You have to fight. Faith pushes you to fight. No matter how hard it gets you have to keep doing what you know is right. Righteous behavior leads to a growth in your faith. You can't give up. I can't give up.

"When we become confused, and find ourselves confronted by obstacles we, seemingly, cannot overcome, having faith in the Redeemer of the world, we can go to Him and know that our prayers will be answered for our good."

I added the emphasis on SEEMINGLY because that is important to remember. Things only SEEM impossible to overcome. It's not the reality. With the help of the Savior we can overcome them. I'll be honest throughout this trial I have had moments where I didn't think Christ could help me. But thats not true. He can. He will. I believe.

"The Lord has a way of accomplishing things that we are unable to do, and never asks us to do anything that he does not make the way possible. He will not require anything without preparing the way."

Hard to believe, right? There are some things in this life that we can't believe God asks us to do. But He does. And He does for good reason. We just don't always know what that reason is. We have to believe miracles. I have to believe that God will give me a baby when it is time. And I have to believe that He is asking me to be faithful and endure this trial and do everything that we can because what we gain will be worth every horrible moment.

"If you have something that the Lord asks or expects you to do and you don't know just how to proceed, do your best. Move in the direction that you ought to go; trust the Lord, give him a chance, and he will never fail you.
What a wonderful thing it is to know that we can, if we will, hold our Heavenly Father's hand and be guided by him."

Every time something happens with this whole infertility business I get so nervous and so overwhelmed. I question the decisions we've made, wonder if we are going in the right direction, I ask myself over and over if I'm really listening to the Spirit or if I'm just crazzzzzy. But I will tell you this..if we are living our lives righteously and doing all that we know we can our thoughts become one with the Spirit. We are worthy of the direction of God and there is no reason we should question the way we are moving no matter how crazy, or illogical it seems. We have to trust the Lord and we have to trust ourselves.

PS-You can fine the lesson here....The Strengthening Power of Faith

We're taking a different route...sort of

So after my emotional melt down before husband came home I decided that I didn't feel like my doctor's office (not my doctor-she's great! But unfortunately I have the middle man nurses to go through) was supporting me when I expressed my desire to stop taking Clomid so I asked for the information about the fertility specialist that they would refer me to if I didn't ovulate this next go around.
I took matters into my own hands and contacted them myself. Holy cow! I haven't even been there and I already feel so comfortable with them. I liked my last doctor but the Utah Fertility Center is WONDERFUL! I've only spoken with people on the phone but I already feel supported. They truly are advocating to find the best way to give us what we want...a baby. The nurses spent a good 30 minutes with me on the phone asking me questions, letting me explain what I know I do/don't feel comfortable with, then they explained how their center works and what they feel is important. By the end of the phone call I had a consultation scheduled for this next Wednesday, all the paperwork I would need to have filled out beforehand, directions on how to transfer my medical records, and an idea of how our appointment would go.
They emphasized that they believe fertility isn't only MY or HUSBAND'S problem but that it was OUR struggle and that they ask that both members of the couple be at the appointments and be on the same page throughout the entire process. They told me about how we'll meet with the doctor at the consultation, they'll review our medical records, do an ultrasound, and then layout EVERY possible route we could take to having a baby. How awesome is that?? My last doctor was so supportive and helpful but their office wasn't on the same page. This place as a whole is on the ball. I'm thrilled to know what all our options are upfront. They don't want to waste time nor do they want to do anything that we are not comfortable with. Meaning if we say we aren't comfortable with doing Clomid again, Clomid is no longer an option.
I also took it upon myself to finally call LDS Family Services to learn more about their adoption process. I've researched things on the internet and gotten as far as I could without calling but yesterday I decided to just do it. I got a lot of great information and we have a better understanding of what the adoption process will entail. They hold Adoption Orientation meetings on the first Wednesday of every month so we'll have to wait until October to get even more information. This all works out perfectly though because we can meet with the fertility specialist, get a better idea of what our options are medically and then from there we can attend the Adoption Orientation and then make a decision about where we want to go.
Husband and I talked a lot on Friday about what we wanted to do in regards to moving forward. He's so good to me and helps me come to grips with things in such a supportive way. We decided that we're taking it one step/day at a time. We'll go to our appointment, see what it has to offer, and then take the next day as it comes.
Basically, we're going to just keep moving forward. When I first found out I didn't ovulate I was (and still am a bit) so sad. I thought we had taken a million steps backward when in reality we hadn't. It was just a closed road and now we're taking a detour. We're going to keep asking God for the direction we need and when options come up we're going to make a decision take it to the Lord and if we don't feel like we're being told to stop we're going to move that way.
It's kind of like a crazy car trip where you come to an intersection, say "Left or right?", look both ways and go whichever ones looks nice. Sometimes what looks nice is completely lame and other times you find paradise.

How do you heal a broken heart?

Today I found out that I didn't ovulate again. My heart hurts. I've never been filled with so much sadness and disappointment.

This month the doctor increased my Clomid prescription to 100 mg. The highest level doctors permit is 150 mg but my husband and I made the decision that we couldn't do Clomid anymore. With the way my body and mind were responding to it at 100 mg I can't even imagine what it would be like at 150 mg. At 100 mg I felt so out of control and nothing like myself. I hated who I was, what I was doing, and how I was treating my husband.

The doctor asked that I have a Day 21 Blood Test done to check my progesterone levels and ultimately see if I had ovulated this time around. My blood was taken on Monday, Labor Day, and I hadn't heard anything from anyone since. I decided that I couldn't be patient anymore so I called the doctor, left a message, and waited to be called back. The nurse called as I was walking from my car to my office at work. She simply said, "I'm sorry we haven't called you sooner. Your results showed that you didn't ovulate. The doctor wants to increase your Clomid treatments to 150 mg. If after that you don't ovulate again we will refer you to a fertility specialist."It was so a matter of fact for her. But for me, my world came crashing down. My eyes immediately filled with tears. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't react. My heart broke.

In a diligent effort to keep myself composed and to prevent gasps for air from interrupting our conversation I explained to her that my last experience wasn't something I wanted to relive. I asked if there was anything we could do and she told no. That the way my body reacted would only get worse with an increased dosage.

This made my heartache even worse. I got off the phone, controlled my emotions with everything inside me, walked into my office, shut the door, and cried.

Right before the nurse called I had been texting husband. The following conversation happened:

Husband: I love you! How are you feeling today?
Me: I love you too. I feel okay. My stomach still feels kind of upset but not a normal upset.
Husband: What do you mean?
Me: I don't know. I can't explain it.
Husband: Maybe it's upset because a baby is making it upset.
Me: Wouldn't that be nice!
Husband: Yes ma'm!
Phone rings to bear heart wrenching news.

What timing right? I then sent a text to husband that said "Doctor called. I didn't ovulate." He immediately dropped what he was doing and called. But I couldn't even answer. I was walking to my office and I knew if I heard his voice I would lose it and losing it in front of stranger is one thing but in front of people I know who don't know any of this was something I couldn't do.

Once I could get myself together for more than 30 seconds I went to the bathroom, cleaned the streaks of make up off my face, walked into my boss's office and said I wasn't feeling well. She proceeded to tell me I looked awful and that I should get some rest.

I went home. There I cried. I called my Mom and cried some more. She was so good just to listen. I love that she doesn't pretend to know how I feel but tells me that she loves me.

All day I cried off and on. Husband came straight home after school to be with me. He's been strong throughout this whole thing. Optimistic and faith-filled. But when I had talked to him on the phone earlier I could tell he was a bit disappointed. By the time he got home though he was back to his encouraging and supportive self. He held me and let me cry to him. I told him how mad I was. How confused I was. How my heart was broken over a baby that I didn't even have and one that I now knew I was never even close to carrying. I told him how when we both felt so strongly that we shouldn't take Clomid anymore, my hope, although I tried to bridle it, was up there pretty high. I thought that this was it. We shouldn't be taking Clomid anymore because we wouldn't need to. We would be pregnant. But then when the nurse said, "..you didn't ovulate." I felt like part of me died. I was so frustrated and confused. All of my faith and hope disappeared.

Husband and I talked things out. We're making a new plan. We're going to rebuild our faith and hope. We're starting to put the pieces of my heart back together.

No one mourns the wicked

My birthday is coming up and my dear father and mother in law bought us tickets to my FAVORITE broadway show...WICKED. I LOVE IT!! Obsessed really. I could watch it and listen to the music over and over. I've seen it multiple times however the hubs never has. I was especially excited for this night out to share something I love with him.

Sadly...I had an episode that deterred from the excitement. The added hormones courtesy of the Clomid I've been taking have made me CRAAAAZY. Husband said something early in the afternoon that "hurt" my feelings and then when I was just getting over that he literally turned the wrong direction and I went bonkers. I have never been so upset/enraged/mad/sad in my life. And the worst part I KNEW that it was completely irrational and ridiculous but I could not do a thing about it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't do anything. So I ran into the bedroom and cried my eyes out. Husband is so good to me and waited until I was ready to talk about it. We then proceeded to have some mini arguments because again my ability to make what I was feeling logical in any way was not possible.  So I cried some more and finally, amongst the sobs and tears, I was honest with myself and then with husband.
I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. That I was terrified that if I couldn't handle what this medicine was doing to me then how could I ever do what may come next? I told him how I was afraid that this was my sacrifice and that I couldn't give anymore so God wouldn't be able to bless us.

I was finally honest with my fear...That I wouldn't be able to do any of it. That this was the end.

Then I told him that I couldn't take Clomid anymore. That I did everything that I could do with this medicine and that I would try anything else but no more Clomid. I told him about how I wanted a baby more than anything and that I did all I could up to this point but I couldn't take Clomid again. I was sobbing by this point. Sobbing because I had been fighting this feeling in hopes that I was just being a wuss and that I could muster up the strength to believe I could take the medicine again if I needed to. Sobbing because I was finally able to say out loud what I had been thinking and feeling. Once I said it out loud it became real. I felt like I was failure but at the same time I felt so much better. And husband already knew that we needed to stop. He didn't need me to tell him.

We both felt the confirmation of the Spirit in our decision and I felt more relief than I had in months. We've been praying for the direction of God in our efforts to have a baby and we believe that this has been an answer to our prayers. We decided that we won't be pursuing anything that involves Clomid. And I tell you what, I will not miss it.

To cut the story short husband wiped my tears, gave me a pep talk, and we got ready to go. We made it to our seats 2 minutes before the curtain opened and enjoyed the delightful entertainment of the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch. The hubs loved it. He is beginning to enjoy the goodness of the theater.

Time with others seems to heal

Tonight we were able to spend some time with our close friends and their small families. We have a group of friends that get together ever month to do something. It's so great and we love when we are all able to hang out. The other two couples we hang out with both have two little ones all under four. They are adorable and we absolutely love them.
We're so blessed to have such amazing friends who are so supportive of our situation. Not that they wouldn't be or have done anything rude or insensitive in the past it's just a huge relief to have people in your life that may not understand fully what you're experiencing but are so loving and considerate. They don't get awkward when we talk about it, they don't avoid topics like pregnancy or their plans to have another baby. It's just so nice that they treat us like we're normal. Life isn't on hold because we're infertile. Life is just taking a different route. We'll get there when it's time to get there.
We especially appreciate that they trust us with their children. Sometimes I can't help but have thoughts and feelings about God not being able to trust me with His children and thats why we're infertile. It doesn't make logical sense but they are real feelings and emotions. But, to know that your close friends and family would trust you with their little ones helps heal the heartache you feel knowing you may not have your know. It helps push away those thoughts and feelings that eat away at you. Those negative feelings that would consume you if you let them.
We love spending time with our friends and their kids. Their sweet little spirits are so uplifting. They give us hope. For some people its really hard to be around  the people they're close to and their babies but for us its such a blessing. We love their energy, their curiosity, their creativity. In fact one of the two year olds was sitting in my lap drawing on a piece of paper and my heart melted. He was so proud of himself.
It makes me so excited for my own family. We're so grateful for the friends we have been blessed with. They truly are a God send.

Since we last spoke

So, it's been awhile since I posted last and a lot has happened since. Last week I finished my third round of Clomid. The doc doubled the dose and requested a blood text Day 21 of my cycle to see if I ovulated assuming that I don't get pregnant this time around. I'm hoping for NO blood work. At least not to check my ovulation.
With this last round of Clomid my body's reaction to the horomones has been pretty intense. I'm super irritable. Poor husband could smile at me and somehow he's done something wrong and I'm angry. I can't control it either. That's whats most frustrating. I know I'm being completely irrational but I'm mad and thats all that seems to matter.
Along with the mood swings I'm having some serious hot flashes. Again, I can be perfectly fine one second and the next its like a fire started next me and I can't get away from the heat. It's miserable. It happens the most in the afternoon and in the evening...when I'm trying to go to bed. Sleeping is the pits. I hate the heat anyway but throw in the hot flash and I swear I could kill. It definitely doesn't help the irritability thing I got going on.
I'm trying to be hopeful that this time around I ovulate and we get pregnant. I don't think I can handle another round of Clomid. It's hard. I don't like who I am when I'm on it. And it's even more frustrating when nothing comes of the craziness.

I'm spent.

So two days ago I thought I was doing really well at this being patient thing...

Well, that's over. I'm sick of being patient.

Face challenges with courage

I spend a portion of my Sundays paroozing the internet reading the blogs of friends. Today I stumbled upon a short little post that simply had a link to this article. My favorite part was this..

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."

I've been focusing on my attitude lately and striving to push through heartache and the moments where I want to punch someone in the face or just cry because I feel bad for my self. Honestly, I can say I'm doing pretty good. I'm starting to wonder if the Clomid I've been taking makes me more sensitive than I thought. I'm trying to stay busy and involved in church, work, and hopefully some organizations that try to provide support to those that are struggling with infertility. I've found if I can be focused on others I don't have time to focus on myself and our hardship.

We're going to keep moving forward and have courage.

There's always someone in the same boat

Last night I was able to get together with some old friends. Mind you these ladies are some of the GREATEST people in the world. I love them. We've known each other since we were young and every year we get together for dinner and hours of catching up. We pick up right where we left off. We talk, we laugh, sometimes we cry. They're those people you'll always love even if you aren't able to see them often.

This year has been rocky for each of us. All in different ways, for the most part that is.

As we were catching up I noticed that one friend was wearing a necklace similar to one my husband recently bought me. When the others in our company went to the bathroom I asked her what was going on. She told me about how they've been trying to have another baby for about a year and half, she's done Clomid, had 2 failed IUI's, is getting ready to try IUI 2 more times, and if that doesn't work they'll do IVF. If IVF fails then they are done. I'm not sure if they'll look into adoption or not...people only go to the bathroom for so long...so our conversation was cut short.

I don't blame her for not bringing anything up when we were all talking. For heaven sakes I didn't say anything either. When harassed about not having babies yet I gave my standard.."One day...one day..." or "Hahaha! We'll see ladies!" or "When the time is right we'll have a little one." type of responses. I'm such a wuss. I know it's bad to assume people don't understand but most of the time they don't. They just feel bad for you. Or tell you "When it's time it'll happen." or "Don't worry everything will work out.". I don't want to hear that stuff. I know they just try to be nice and offer compassion but I already know those things. I don't want anyone feeling bad for me. Support? Yes. Sympathy? No. Don't ask me the difference either. I don't know how to explain it.

Anyways, bad things happen to people. Out of 4 friends 2 are infertile, 1 had to deliver her dead baby, and the other has to haul her 2 babies under 2 across the country multiple times a year. Life is hard. That's just how it goes. But nonetheless my heart hurts for each of them. In different ways.

In the words of dead baby friend, "We're all stronger than we think. When the hard things come we get through it. You never know how much you can handle until you're doing it."

To my infertile friend, I love you and you're in our prayers. We know what you're family is experiencing and it's hard.

PS-The other 2 friends in my prayers too...

Never give up

A friend created this and posted it on Facebook. So I stole it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it. It's how I feel about our babies. You know? The ones that don't exist quite yet....

It's easy to give up. It's easy to quit. But you have to keep going. You have to choose to push through. I don't go a day without thinking about the babies that haven't come to us yet. I haven't had any visions or dreams about what my babies look like or that I've held them. I've never even had an experience where I could feel them with me. You always here about stories like that but I haven't had one of those.

What I do know is that I want to be a mother. I believe that God will this happen. So, I can't give up.

Not quite sure what is happening

Yesterday I think I started my period. I say I think because it was just some heavy spotting that I didn't think anything of until it happened again today..twice. My last period started on July 18 and ended on the 25th. Which means this one is super early and didn't even give my body a chance to ovulate after taking Clomid this round.
I wish this wasn't frustrating and I hope that this is just random spotting. What makes it even more frustrating is that my temperature jumped yesterday and stayed consistent today, which usually hints at ovulation. But if I'm starting my period that means...no chance.
I called the doctor and left a voicemail so I should hear back tomorrow and I'm not sure what will happen. If I am in fact starting my period then that means I will need to start Clomid again tomorrow. A lot of people struggle with taking Clomid because its such a hormone charge that they are irritable, emotional, fatigued, etc. and they don't like who they are when they're on it. I have been a little irritable and emotional but not so overwhelming that I want to stop taking it. If anything I just want to see something happen. It's not likely that'll I will get pregnant after 4-5 times of taking it so we'll see what happens if we get to that point.
What I am grateful for is a husband that is beyond supportive. He's in sync with me and sensitive to what I'm experiencing. If he was anything else I don't think I could handle it. Grateful that he knows when I'm crazy it's not a permanent thing.

It was a good attempt

My Mom and I went downtown tonight to try and get tickets to show that wasn't even playing tonight! Take this tip- Before you travel across town to see a show, check the listings to make sure its playing that night. 

Regardless, it was nice to spend time with my Mom talking and catching up on life. We don't spend much time together and don't talk nearly as often as we should. Its amazing how life gets so busy that time passes faster than you realize. It doesn't help that we live about 40 minutes apart.

My Mom is the only person from my family (and my husband's for that matter..) that knows about our situation. She's so supportive and wants a grand-baby badly. Especially because we plan to move in two years for grad school. I'm grateful it doesn't matter to her if the baby comes to us biologically or through adoption. She just wants us to be able to have a family and have the experiences that she's had. 

She's such a good listener and so encouraging. But not in the over the top kind of way thats completely unrealistic and basically annoying. She's realistic but optimistic. It's easy to talk to her about my concerns, fears, hopes, and experiences. I really appreciate that she doesn't pretend to know whats going on or how all of this works. She asks questions and really strives to understand and become educated. She's a good Mom. I'll go to a show that isn't showing with her any day. 

Getting involved with something bigger than yourself

Lately I haven't been able to shake the thought that this experience of infertility is happening for a reason. I mean, I believe that everything happens for a reason but I guess more so the thought that this is happening so we can help someone else.  I've been searching and looking on the internet to see if I could find organizations or groups that provide not only emotional support for those struggling with infertility but also financial help. There's pretty much nothing. You would think that for something so expensive that there would be some sort of financial support out there. Did you know that insurance covers pretty much NOTHING? We however are incredibly blessed in the sense that our insurance covers 50% of primary infertility, meaning that they will cover 50% of everything up to the first time we get pregnant. The only downer is that 1) they won't cover anything after that-so when we want to have another baby we're on our own and 2) if our first pregnancy results in a miscarriage the insurance will no longer cover anything. A lot people aren't as lucky as we are when it comes to insurance. Most people are on their own and I have no idea how they do it. That takes me back to what I wanted to talk about. After searching and not finding any programs out there I started to think maybe we're having this experience so that we can create and start an organization that can provide the help that  people are needing it? Well the other night I gave up and started reading the blog of the wife of a missionary that served in my husband's hometown. They struggled for a couple years with infertility. They somehow got involved with an organization called Pound the Pavement for Parenthood and were then connected with a doctor that waived any profit he would gain from doing an IVF with them. Amazing right? He's retired and decided that he wanted to serve his own type of mission here and help young couples begin their families. Anyways, PPP sponsors events such as 5K runs to help raise money for families to pay for IVF or adoption, etc. I emailed them asking for more information and because we have no idea what direction all of this is going to take us we haven't applied for PPP to sponsor us by hosting events in our honor but, we really really really want to get involved.

In the scriptures it says, "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."-Mosiah 7:33

And, "...when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."-Mosiah 2: 17

Now there's no point in recreating an organization out there that already exists but, being able to work with one and provide resources, publicity, and manpower could make such a huge impact. For one thing it would provide others with the support, emotionally and financially, that they need, it may also lead to an opportunity where we could be recipients of such love and sacrifice but mostly, I really feel strongly that if we can lose ourselves in the Lord's work by serving others we will blessed and delivered from our "bondage". I'm not saying that if we go help put on a 5K here and there that God will give us a baby but, I'm saying that if we can take this experience and be of help to others maybe God will ease the burden a bit. Maybe we'll gain a great understanding of the bigger picture or maybe we won't get lost in our self pity as often or maybe (and this I know will happen) we'll be able to be closer to the Spirit and therefore feel God's love for us stronger than before.

I believe that even though we may not be blessed with a baby immediately or faster than perhaps what is planned for us, that we will have the spiritual strength to press forward and endure to the end. And maybe even find a little joy along the way.

A hard night

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with emotion that you literally feel like you might break? Like everything around and inside of you will shatter?

I don't know how to explain the feelings I'm having but, last night was a hard night. The emotions of all of this, the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, stress, frustration, and failure just got to me.

And for a moment I felt like I was going to break.
I wanted to quit.
Be done with it all.
Decide that we just weren't going to have a baby and not move forward.

I was lying in bed next to the husband and all the thoughts and emotions were pressing down me. Almost suffocating me. I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. I started to sob and explain to husband that I didn't think I could do it anymore. That if I felt like this when we had just started that I just couldn't handle what it was going to feel like if we had to get involved in bigger things.

I really was unsure of our decision to persist at expanding our family. Of providing a home to one of God's children. To be a mother and father. I started to think that things would be a whole lot easier if we just said no more and accepted that it would only be us. Just him and I. No babies. No children. No one but the two of us.

Fortunately, I am very blessed and I have an amazing husband. He let me cry and say what I needed to say. He let me explain to him that I didn't think I could do it anymore. And then he did something that I am very grateful for. He put his arms around me, hugged me, looked me in the eyes and said that I could do it. He promised everything would be alright and that no matter what happens he will always stand by me. That he wouldn't let me give up. That we would push through this together and that we would have a family no matter what we needed to do to get there. His eyes are strong and full of faith. I wish I had his faith. I wish I didn't doubt. Sometimes I wonder if he has a heart because he's so confident that we'll be parents. It's almost like a doubt or fear has never crossed his mind. He helps me to believe. He helps me remember who I am and what we can do together. He's going to be an incredible father.

A positive for every negative

I've discovered that I have a really hard time when other people complain about being a parent. I just want to scream, "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE A PARENT!?!" but I don't.  I just keep it inside and keep it to myself. I understand that being a parent is hard work maybe not to the full extent that actual parents do but I do know that it's hard. Caring for another human being (or multiple humans) is probably the most emotionally, physically, and spiritually taxing thing there is. And while I understand that sometimes it feels better to complain (and that's okay) it just gets hard to listen to. I often wonder if I would be willing to take on all the stress and hardships that these constant haters of parenthood endure just so I can experience being a parent. Being a mother.

Again I don't want anyone to walk away thinking that I don't understand that being a parent is a hard thing all I'm saying is that there must be a better way of expressing your emotions and handling your stress than having such a dark almost regretful attitude towards you kids.

I guess for me it's important to recognize that even though things are hard there are still multiple good moments/memories/experiences/characteristics that out weigh the bad.

Am I wrong there? Is that too far off?

A baby in our home

My husband's sister and family are getting ready to move across the country for graduate school and in effort to help them we offered to host a sleepover for our 2 year old nephew. He's my husbands little side kick and we're going to miss him terribly. Our evening entailed of a couple movies, pizza, a trip to the park, and then a bed time routine. To some this may seem insignificant but to have that young little spirit in our home is such a blessing. Obviously I'm not a parent but to be able to care for someone, watch them learn, see excitement in their eyes, hug them when they cry..it's all remarkable. For some people that are experience infetility it can be hard to be around little kids. It reminds you about how you don't have children. How you may never have children.

For my husband and I (at least at this point) it's almost therapeutic to be around kids. To have other people trust you with their children helps relieve the thoughts that God doesn't trust you with his children. We'll miss having our niece and nephew in our home. Sometimes I really hate change.

Now we wait

Day 7 has come and gone. Now we play the waiting game. We're waiting to see if I ovulate. We use the Basal Body Temperature method to do this. Everyday since May 11, 2012 I've been taking my temp. first thing in the morning. Before I even move I have to stick a thermometer in my mouth, wait for it to beep and then record my temp. in a notebook. Makes for a long morning when you have to pee. Ugh! I hate that part. So, when you ovulate your body temperature goes up about .4-.7 degrees. It spikes, stays consistent for a 5 days or so and then drops back down to normal. Even though I know it takes a week or so after your period ends to start ovulating, every morning I'm hoping it'll just jump. It's a waiting game. A horrible waiting game.

No baby this time

I started my period. Definitely not pregnant this time around. It totally sucks.

Believe

On the rise

Every morning I have to take my temperature to see if it goes up. If it goes up that means I'm ovulating. It's gone up, back down, but it's been up for a few days now...that means that I should be ovulating. Which means we could get pregnant. Not that we will but it's more possible than it has been anytime before now.

I'm being optimistic.

Let me explain how this works

So it's day 5 of my cycle which means it's the third day I've taken Clomid. I figure I should explain how Clomid works and why I'm taking it. Clomid is not a fertility drug. It's a medication that triggers the necessary hormones that tell your body to ovulate. So because my doctor doesn't think I'm short on eggs and husband's swimmers swim strong she's very confident that because of my PCOS my hormones are just crazy and need a little help in getting the "stars to align". On average, 80% of those that take Clomid that do not ovulate begin ovulation. Of that 80% approx. 40% conceive. So our chances of Clomid leading to a baby is 32/100. We are being hopeful especially because even with IVF there's a 50% chance. Also, people have heard that when someone is on Clomid they are more than likely to have multiples (twins, triplets, etc.) this is kind of true. It happens but, it isn't likely, about 7-10 out of 100 have multiples.

The beginning of Clomid

I'm away from home for work this week. Not very far away from home but far enough I can't pick up my prescription and the husband has to deliver. Good thing he's a saint. Anyways, I started my period 2 days ago! You have no idea how excited I was to see that sight. We weren't sure how long we would have to wait because since puberty hit I've rarely (if ever) had a regular period and we thought April and May were flukes. But to have it start exactly when it "should" is truly a miracle. Especially because its been right on schedule April, May, and now June. So, what's the significance of this you ask? Well, day 3-7 of my cycle is when my doctor wanted me to start Clomid. At first my period wasn't very heavy so I thought it was just coincedental spotting but nope we are good to go. So I called the doctor this morning and left a message. Within a couple hours I got a call back from the nurse asking which pharmacy I'd like my prescription sent to. After a lengthy discussion via 3 different phone calls on my part I had all my little questions answered, reviewed the process multiple times, made sure I knew when the little swimmers needed to swim (if ya get my drift)...and we were in business.

Side story...don't worry that husband went to pick up the magic pills and the pharmacy had no record of the prescription and that it was 2:00 pm and the doctor's office closes at 4:00 pm. AHHHHH!! talk about stressful. It was a Friday...the doctor's office is closed Saturday and Sunday, which means the soonest I would have gotten them would be Monday which would be day 6 of my cycle. Remember how day 7 would be the last day I needed to take the meds? Yeah..no point by then. I was FREAKING out. But don't worry after 2 more phone calls to the doctors and another call to the pharmacy all was well.

Anyhow, I took my first pill of Clomid today. I feel good about things. Obviously we won't know if it works for awhile but my hopes are high.

(Side note-hopefully you aren't totally grossed out about this but I want to be straight up honest about the whole thing.)

The first appointment

I went to the OBGYN today for an "Infertility Consultation", basically a 15-20 minutes sit down with the doctor to discuss some options to get the baby factory working. 

My doctor is great! I've couldn't be more grateful that she's the one I saw. She broke everything down to the basics in a language I understood regardless of how much I already knew. I guess she could of just thought I was dumb but, it was nice to have her explain things and validate the fact that I haven't done something horrible and that's why God is stopping me from having kids. Anyways, she asked me a lot of questions about my menstrual cycle and my experience with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). We talked about her thoughts on what's happening with my body, specifically my ovaries. She told me that in regards to fertility issues that PCOS is the easiest and least expensive problem to treat. She's confident that I'm simply not ovulating. Which is a relief but of course at this point its not 100% that it's the issue. 

Based on the thought that I'm not ovulating, together we made a game plan. She jumped straight to IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and said that it is definitely the most expensive and invasive way to get pregnant and only has a 50% shot at working. Don't worry....that's not what she wanted to start with. For her that is a last resort and I'm not even sure if that's something we'll want to do. Because of all the reasons though she recommended that we begin with baby steps and use medication to get my body to ovulate. I agreed and from there we created a plan. 

On the 3rd-7th day of my cycle I will begin taking Clomid, a fertility medication, after that we'll have to do the deed every other day and then the wait will begin. Come the next month if I don't have a period it will be one of two reasons...1) I'm pregnant! 2) I didn't have my period just like normal. We'll be rooting for the first reason! After that I'll take a pregnancy test. If it's positive...YAYYAYA! If it's negative...we try again. Of course, couples that are "normal" even take a few months to get pregnant so it's probably not necessary to say that we'll more than likely have to try the Clomid for a few months. Clomid provides a 5-15% chance of getting pregnant. Which seems low but when IVF is only 50% it's not that bad. If after 4-5 months things aren't working out then we'll start with some other medications and move forward with a new plan. But, for now we're feeling good and confident that we just need to get some ovulation going on. 

Before we start that though we have to wait a bit longer. We have four things to do before we can start the medication just to rule out some other causes of our infertile state....1) I had to have some blood work done to test my glucose, HCG, and thyroid. I had a feeling they would do this so I went to my appointment fasting which made quite convenient to go straight to the lab and have my blood drawn. One less appointment. 2) Dr. D wants to make sure my uterus is A-OKAY. So I have to get an ultrasound to check the shape, placement, etc. 3) I have to take my temperature every morning for about a month. That's how they track ovulation because when you're ovulating your body temperature increases ever so slightly. She's convinced I'm not but for good measure the thermometer and I will have a rendezvous every morning. 4) 40% of infertility cases are due to low sperm count. So, in three days we'll collect a "specimen" and run it over to the lab for testing. The hubs is super excited about that....

But yeah...that's where we're at. Now that I've finally gone to the doctor and have a plan in place I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks to those who encouraged me to go. It was hard to do. I was really anxious about it but, I'm SO grateful that I did it. Whatever happens..happens. And it'll be okay. I know that all of this is happening for a reason regardless of how much I know as to why. Heavenly Father is in control and I know that if we have faith regardless of whether or not we are able to have babies that we'll be okay. Some days will be hard and that will be that. But, we have faith and feel strongly that our little family will grow sooner or later. 

The story begins..

When I was younger, first grade or so, my class adopted a manatee in Florida. It was a fun class project as we studied sea animals. The endangered species organization would send the class pictures of our manatee with fact sheets, etc. That experience was one of my most significant memories and since then I have dreamed of seeing manatee in real life. Well, last year for our annual vacation my husband and I went to Walt Disney World and I saw my manatee. Two of them in fact. It was one of those dreams come true kind of moments.

Now I get that seeing a manatee in real life is a strange dream but, it was mine and something I wanted. I think everyone has a dream that they want to come dream. Some may be silly in the eyes of others but its theirs and they deserve to see it come true.

My next dream is to have a baby.  My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 25 months. That's two years and one month in case you weren't sure. It might as well be FOREVER. We've been experiencing all sorts of emotions and having so many experiences throughout all of this. So with that in mind and as a way to get everything out so I don't go crazy this blog is dedicated to the dreamers in the world. The ones that want to see a manatee.

It's about the reality of life. It's honest. It's full of emotion. And it's the story of my dreams.

It's Project Manatee.